I want to be seduced & male menopause

Seduction? What's that? LOL

You stated that you could initiate sex and be successful. However, you like being the passive partner. You want your man to be the aggressive one.

Perhaps your man is weary of being the one who takes the leading role as the seducer -- the aggressor. Perhaps he wants to feel desired and has subconsciously placed the responsibility for getting things going on your shoulders. Because he is taking a more passive role right now, you will have to be the aggressive one.

We do trade off as to who initiates- although it's probably been his 60% to my 40%. He always had the greater drive in the past, that seems to have changed. I have turned up the heat in the last year - and as I mentioned this is usually a successful tactic. However, I would like a little of that old time "chase me around room" action from our past. Yeah, I could go in and get him going, but I'm really nostalgic for the old dance. I also don't want to start something he might be doing for me and not because he is really interested.
I guess I'm just having an insecure night.

Green, For most men, myself included, there is a change--sometimes, subjectively, quite sudden, which is alarming to guys!--in libido around the mid-to-late 40's. There is a scientific base for this decrease in interest, having to do with the body chemistries of natural aging--but I won't bore you with those details. Suffice it to say, the science is there. The good news, however, is that this natural shift can be sidestepped to a significant degree, by modifications in behavior and attitude.

I assume your guy is neither depressive, nor a heavy drinker, nor a smoker, nor a couch-potato. These items can really aggravate a slackening in libido, especially as a man gets into his 40's. If he smokes, he should quit--for all kinds of reasons; if he drinks more than a little, ditto; if he is sedentary, he needs to get regular heavy exercise; if he's feeling down, you guys need to chat about that.

When I first noticed a drop-off in libido, I asked my doctor. She [I prefer women physicians, because they seem more circumspect than most male docs!] assured me that this was completely normal, and that I should, please, not get in a swivet about it, because the rest of the decline is usually very gradual--if you take care of yourself and make some adjustments. She urged me to discuss this with my wife--right away--because women can misinterpret a natural decline in interest as somehow their fault. She suggested that I think in terms of quality of experience and deeper intimacy rather than quantity. Great advice, as we guys seem genetically hooked on numbers!

I was already a long-time athlete, so keeping myself physically active was not going to be a problem. I had given up smoking many years ago (hanging on to the privilege of smoking a Havana cigar if I were offered one; this hasn't happened in about 10 years!). Drinking? Hmmm. I had been a heavy drinker till I was 19, then quit for 10 years, after which I never had more than two glasses of wine a day. Depressed. Yes, endemic variety every few years--but always driven away quite nicely with a 2-3 months of meds.

I discussed the libido drop-off with my wife, and she, like my physician, said not to be concerned--it's normal. Why are women so much smarter about this stuff than I am? After talking this over, we began to choose moments for intimacy when neither of us had any time constraints or unresolved issues. Big difference for the better. And, of course, the seemingly smaller, but just as important, love gestures--hugs, kisses, back-pats, hand-holding, etc.--continued, and, by a mechanism I don't fully understand, became even more delightful.

This transition to more relaxed loving took a while. We guys still dream of our youths! But, the new style brought about better communication and a MUCH deeper relationship in general.

Back to chemistry for a moment. Men have more testosterone in their bodies in the morning than at night. Therefore, libido tends to be higher earlier in the day. Also, as men grow older, their tolerance for alcohol diminishes. Noticing that I was often a bit drowsy in the later evenings, I gave up having any wine with dinner, or anytime--unless I were offered a glass a champagne at a wedding-- and, after only a couple of days, I felt more alert at all times of day. Still sleepy after 11:00, but that's because I am a Day person!

I hope this information is useful to you. If you're feeling left out a bit, talk with your husband in a non-threatening way. He might welcome opening a good dialogue on the subject. We guys talk tough and independent, but we actually like being really close to the women we love. And, when we face an issue that we are likely underinformed about and, perhaps, worried about, who is a better help than our lover?

Great post, Miklos. Thanks for your perspective and insights!

I agree - great post. He's very healthy - excellent diet, long time hiker/outdoorsman, rarely drinking, no smoking or drugs. I think his slow down is coming later than most because he's in good physical condition. I'm just spoiled and perhaps feeling a little old myself (I've been checking for wattle lately, any day now I keep thinking). I just have to adjust to the reality of life and that things move forward and change. Overall I can't complain. Thanks again Miklos, I think it was very helpful to hear what I suspected and just could not put into words.

That was a beautiful post Miklos...thank you for sharing with all of us interested women. That was truly awesome.....

I had a question related to this, already partly answered
I just wondered how normal it is for women to initiate sex in late forties early fifties...

It's hard to explain but we have a lot of problems between us, but still a real commitment, been married almost 29 years, both in good shape physically, emotionally don't ask...

But sometimes I think he doesn't think I would be receptive...I have not turned him down in years...but there is so much silent communication between us that cannot be silenced lol...

I'm not always that glad about it really...but I like the reassurance that we still belong to each other...

It's been a couple of weeks...we are going away for the weekend...

I will probably initiate then, it's almost expected...

But I wonder if I should other times.

It's interesting..and a little consoling...to hear that partly it's physilogical...

My sex drive hit rock bottom ages ago...but it can be cranked up again any time with just a little effort...but without a stimulant...I might go forever without it...except just the need to still feel alive...and beautiful...

I guess partly for women it's not feeling beautiful, hard when you are approaching 54.

And perhaps men don't feel powerful anymore...

It's hard being a human being either gender.

Shunnamite,

Because I am familiar with only one woman's sexual behavior--and that only from inside my head, not hers!--I certainly can't extrapolate to all women in their 50's. However, I can say that, if communication on the subject of sex is open, then you would have a sense of when you could initiate sex--same as your guy would have a sense of when he could initiate.

As our lives are busy, often taking us in different directions, we often put our heads and calendars together to find the next day when we have a stretch of truly free time. That way we are much more likely to be in synch emotionally when we get together. Of course, there are no guarantees of synchronicity, as everyone's system, male or female, seems to have a mind of its own! But, if someone is not in the right mental space on the given day, we still enjoy having the time to give each other attention. The general closeness seems to be the key desire; sex is simply a particularly nice form of closeness. One can be very close even in conversation. It seems that as long as the closeness is there, the sex will take place--if not that day, then another.

Please don't be concerned about what "approaching 54" may do to your beauty. There is no external concept of physical beauty that makes much sense. Women are "beautiful" for reasons of spirit and heart and hard wiring--qualities that tend to last a lifetime. Sure, you'll notice men admiring young women, but, if you watch closely, you'll see that they admire older women, too, and just as often (but not as often vocally, because older women are more richly complex, making it more complicated for the average guy to easily articulate their appeal.). Yes, there are middle-aged guys who remain infatuated with much younger women, but, most of us, by the time we're 50, have graduated from a high-school world view, and we prefer, in close relationships, the company of women around our own age, because, with them, we share a cultural background. We can talk with them best; we can laugh about the same things; we can relax together. Shared experience is very powerfully attractive.

I would agree with you that sex makes people feel alive. And it, or other forms of closeness, make us feel wanted and loved. If it makes you feel beautiful, too, that's great--but I would hope that it's the inner, lasting beauty that it makes you feel.

Yes, it's hard being a human being some days, BUT the sexual aspect of it can be vastly improved by communication. And the quality of communication that goes into talking openly about sex seems to foster closeness in general. If you have a really close relationship with a spouse, probably there are fewer of those days when it's hard being a person. This has been my experience, anyway.

I realize that much of what I've written sounds like self-help re-runs! But there's a historical base to these platitudes. Once you overcome the initial reluctance to or fear of deeper communication, things are apt to go better, and you are apt to feel more alive. Good luck.

why did atookian take over everyone's posts????
The Bob Dylan sig gives extra credibility...lol..

Yes communication would solve everything...but we just can't talk about this stuff directly...hard to explain...a mentally ill son and we are blaming each other is the biggest thing plus each of us thinks the other one worships the devil, lol...

So...I think we deserve a medal even sleeping in the same bed every night...

Thanks for your thoughtful post, I feel better than earlier today, more hopeful...I ran across the most wonderful quote on that lifestyle thread, pretty much what I already knew but so beautifully expressed about letting people be who they are...and how fragile people are...I knew that...

But sometimes you get into so much pain you just want to help yourself and to hell with the other person..

And good sex...is about "no worries mate", at least for the female...it's hard to be sexual, for a female, when you are stressed....or angry...for men I think that makes it better...just one more little difference...

thanks for your thoughts.

Very sorry to hear of your son's problem. I think you are correct about this issue's getting in the way of communication in general. I wish there were something useful I could suggest, but I have seen married friends of ours with the same issue that you face over your child, and it's very complex--and way beyond my level of knowledge for giving advice. I do hope that you and your husband do learn to talk more helpfully to each other about your son, however.

I have heard that some guys seem to enjoy sex more when they are angry--although, for myself, this is an alien concept. If I'm angry about something, I want to deal with that first, to get it out of my head, so that the rest of my life, including sex, can be happier. I've wondered if men who enjoy sex more when they are angry are acting out some kind of power role. Dunno. Again, that's beyond my ken.

Good luck to you.

why do we have to put something here???
I don't think in a real marriage a man would enjoy sex more when he was angry...I don't think he would have it....but I'm not a man so I can't be sure, but I am a HU - MAN and I don't think so.

However, most women do not want sex if they are SAD either, and I have read that men find sex comforting, even if their world is not so hot, sex helps.

I had a great weekend with my husband, we get along very well away from home and our "problem"...funny we listened to it's all right ma I'm only bleeding, I think that's the song your quote comes from...

Life...is interesting...I'm never bored, boredom is for the young, lol...