Who do i believe??

Forums: Relationships
Email this Topic • Print this Page

Ok a bit of background: I'm about to turn 18 but reputedly reasonably mature for my age... i've had a fair bit of growing up to do thanks to some of my background
I've had three serious boyfriends:
P who i was with when i was 14 for a couple of months (not serious at all) but am now back with as of Xmas
W who i was with for 2 years but that really wasn't much of a relationship since we barely saw one another alone outside of school and no before you ask it wasn't very physical. We went pretty far to start with when we were first together but never any further if that makes sense
And D who i was with for a little yes than a year last year and who is still one of my best friends in the world. We were very close, pretty much lived in one another's pockets (actually did live together for a little bit) and we helped one another threw some very rough times. Neither of us is quite sorted upstairs ... but whereas i'm a mild depression no longer receiving help kinda girl... he's utterly screwed.... but that's another story

Anyway to cut a long story short I'm back with P, still very good friends with D .... and D is now with P's ex... so we've kinda done a boyfriend swap.

Tonight D said to me that over the summer (while she was still with P) P pushed his girlfriend K into some stuff.... a lot of stuff..... as in she has the marks to prove it.

To be honest i haven't spoken to P about this yet... this only happened a couple of hours ago. But as far as i was aware, he and K had barely done anything. When we first started messing around and he was a little unsure he admitted to never having got past 2nd before.

I don't know who i should be believing here. D is prone to exaggeration, but very VERY rarely if ever lies blatantly, and he was so so so mad about it. I don't think P would ever lie to me either... but he has an aggressive streak...

And to make this sooooo much more fun i promised D before he told me i wouldn't discuss this... so i guess i'm already breaking a confidence by posting here... but i have to talk to somebody and soon before i go crazy!!

I'm sorry this is so long - i hate long posts too!!

Topic Stats
Top Replies
Link to this Topic

Type: Discussion • Score: 1 • Views: 940 • Replies: 18

No top replies

You think you are mature for a 17 year old, but you really are not. Self evaluation is not only impractical but full of conflicts, errors and omissions.

0 Replies

I'm not self evaluating i'm going on what the world tells me. Sorry but that's not very constructive

0 Replies

It's not constructive because that's not what you want to hear.

0 Replies

I am asking an open ended question because i want some impartial advice and people on here are pretty good at giving it. You don't know me, so what right do you have to say i don't want to hear it?! If you have an opinion then please offer it don't just slag me off for asking for a bit of advice!

0 Replies

Nobody really "knows" you on a2k! Is that a surprise?

0 Replies

I'd tend to agree with Bekaboo here, c.i.

I don't think you're breaking a confidence by posting here, Bekaboo, unless those people know your handle here or can otherwise identify you.

I kinda had a hard time following with all of these initials, but it sounds like you're worried that P will push you into something? Or are you just worried about being with someone who would do such a thing?

If it continues to bother you, probably a good idea to talk to P about it.

0 Replies

Sorry for the initials Razz

it just doesn't feel so bad if i don't give out names and a lot of people seem to use initials.
More than anything i just don't like to be around somebody like that. I honestly don't think it'd ever go that far but it just makes me feel sick thinking that one of my best mates could do that to a girl. Sad

0 Replies

Oh, sure, I understand about the initials rather than names. Would be hard to follow with full names, too.

I think it's as simple as, if it concerns you, ask about it. You have to be prepared for the possibility that you have two people you trust telling you different things -- maybe when you talk to them about it you'll get a feel for who's telling the truth.

Can you just ask K?

0 Replies

P is a past and current fella?
That's the one you need to talk to. Talk to him generally about relationships. Try to get a sense of what he considers normal and reasonable.

There are too many permutations and combinations of who might be saying what to someone else in your initial world. Talk to the one you think you want to be with.

0 Replies

I'm not sure that I understand your problem.

You were told that your current boyfriend raped his former girlfriend last summer.

Is that what you were told? That he pushed her into having sex and that she has the "marks to prove it?"

On one hand, you were told that your current boyfriend is sexually violent. You know that your current boyfriend has an "aggressive streak." But, you think your current boyfriend is telling you the truth when he claims he has never had sex. And, you think the person who told you is prone to exaggerations.

I guess you've been warned that your current boyfriend is a potential rapist. What do you think you ought to do with that information?

0 Replies

I guess it's a sort of teenage talk that I have difficulty understanding. If that's the case, I apologize - profusely.

0 Replies

You guys have pretty much got the measure of it. I wasn't told that explicitly... so it could be a lot less than that... but that's what was implied. And it just scares me. P is.... over enthusiastic.... and when we were younger yeh a fair few of us got kinda hurt in the process.... but jus from sorta over-playfullness. I don't really know if he could take things that far

0 Replies

It's not a good idea to consider a relationship with someone who either doesn't realize that he's hurting others, or doesn't care. It's bad news, either way.

Maybe you could take a time out from relationships - and then hopefully meet someone who's not already part of your crowd.

0 Replies

sozobe wrote:

You have to be prepared for the possibility that you have two people you trust telling you different things

... and they might even both be speaking the truth.

As in, for example, if K. is for some perhaps very understandable reason not speaking the truth. I.e.: K had a very bad experience with sex and does truly have the marks to show for it - and told D. that it was P. who did it, so of course D. is sincerely furious. But it wasn't P., but somebody else - something K. doesnt want or dare to talk about.

And thats just one possible speculation, out of thin air. Like folks said, there are so many possible permutations ...

Then, who knows whose take turns into what to whom in the wrong situation, or when something toppled over some border. You call P "over-playful", "overenthusiastic", to the point of where folks "got kinda hurt" - and at the same time "a little unsure". Well, on the one hand it's good to go on your own instincts - and he seemed clumsy to you, like he didnt have much experience - so he couldnt have gone that far, is what you seem to be getting. But awkwardness or clumsiness, too, can topple over into frustration, then even agression, I guess, in the wrong mind, relationship, communication ...

We can't possibly tell from here, really.

Best would be to just get P's story on it, open it for yourself - but you cant, having promised you wouldnt. At the same time, you're with the guy, they saddle you up with a story like that about him but say you cant talk about it with him? Thats a bit of an impossible situation to be put in ...

I dunno. Talk with P. about his relationship with K. in general. Get a feeling of what is there to know. Get a feeling of him on the matter. And yourself, keep clear borders, and communicate clearly about what you want and what not, and where the border lies. If he is indeed a bit clumsy / overplayful / latently agressive, its best to deal with clear borders. Its safest - plus, if he crosses those, you have your answer, and you have it before getting to where he got to cross all of 'em.

0 Replies

Just to update people i did have it out with D, and spoke to P about it as much as i could without bringing up the real issue.
The story really goes thus. K is very very screwed up and has had some bad experiences but as far as i can make out the worst P ever did was try to feel her up without asking and she didn't want to say no so didn't so he didn't stop... She overexaggerated things to D because he is very overprotective, and i will admit it is rather nice when he is. Then to make the situation worse D exaggerated matters to me, which he freely admitted when we talked properly he was just pretty mad at the time.
The whole thing is just one screwed up story that started off with K wanting a bit of extra attention.

Thank-you all who listened and offered advice - i needed to talk to somebody and you guys are actually pretty good with your advice

0 Replies

Bekabooi, Sorry I put mustard on your plate when it wasn't asked for. I should've just kept my nose out of it, because I have no personal experience or knowledge about this kind of situation. It's completely foreign to me in more ways than one - especially at my age.

0 Replies

Thanks for the update Bekaboo. Thats actually pretty close to what I was speculating! Huh.

I would only add (emboldened by the previous lucky guess) that its probably not as simple a case as K just "wanting a bit of extra attention". If she did indeed go through some traumatic experiences with forced sex, then even just the being felt up against her will could well have triggered great, sincere anguish - even or exactly because she didnt dare say no. So it would still be understandable why she was mortified - and why D. then picked up on that again.

But I'm glad to hear, of course, that probably nothing of the kind of thing you were afraid of actually happened. Now just make sure that you will say "no" if he "feels you up without asking" and you dont like it, OK?

0 Replies

You know what D says about it.

You know what P says about it.

But, you don't know what K says about it. Without talking to her, I don't think it's fair to say that K is really screwed up.

0 Replies

Who do i believe??

Related Topics

Quick Links

My Account

able2know