The V.I.P had coconuts attached, how was I to know........

Hello again, been home for about an hour or so, and the night footman has been providing a constant flow of black coffee, so feel a lot better. Sorry about first entry, jolly bad form and all that.
Never attempt to write anything when completely bladdered, thats my rule from this day forth.

Now, getting back to this evening....I shall record the events in sections, as I have regular waves of nausea passing over at the mo, so please bear with me.

Scene 1 Banqueting Hall, Duke of Dorchesters place, Pall Mall.

I had arrived slightly the worse for wear, having attended a "naughty schoolgirl" evening at the club.
Being late, I was immediately taken to my seat at the grand table and served with a bowl of Gazpacho soup. I didnt know how late I was, but seeing as the soup was cold, I would imagine that I was off the mark by about thirty minutes.
There were roughly forty or so dinner guests, including various dignitaries, politicians, ambassadors and even some from the lower classes.
The meal was superb, and as the ladies had retired to the drawing room, I lit a Havana and sat there in a drunken fug, trying to remember where the bally hell I was, and why all the men dressed up as schoolgirls had disappeared.
I then had an almighty urge to pee....this happens when ratted, my bladder is sending messages like crazy but the brain only listens to the final urgent plea from the nether regions, warning of a dambuster scenario if nothing is done.
After quite considerable effort in getting my left leg to coordinate with the right, I hurriedly made my way upstairs to the Dukes private chamber room, stormed in through the door, unzipped my fly and pointed a now panicking percy at the porcelain.
I was completely startled by what happened next..................

.........I opened the floodgates, and proceeded to pee for England, and after about ten seconds, finally managed to aim it into the toilet bowl.
I then adopted the favourite male "Peeing whilst drunk" stance, which is to say the legs were further astride than necessary, left hand firmly placed on facing wall, right hand on percy whilst neck is craned back, allowing the piddler to stare vacantly at the ceiling.
I was just about to start my loud rendition of "All the nice girls love a sailor", when I was suddenly aware of a brooding figure, not more than six inches to the left of me.
I turned my head, to find that I was staring into the face of a heavily built male, wearing mirror sunglasses and a plastic earpiece that had a cord disappearing into his expensive suit jacket.
His right hand was inside the jacket, and he was chewing furiously.
Thinking it was one of "Dorchie's" toilet attendants, I calmed down and decided to start a conversation with him. He was obviously not English, as he was muscular and his teeth were too perfect.
"Hello dear boy, German are you?" I enquired.
"Yank, Sir" He replied.
"Not now thank you" I said "I'm halfway through peeing, and anyway I prefer fillies myself"
"No Sir, I'm a Yank...I believe thats what you limeys call us"
Good God, I thought...a Yank working as a toilet attendant, there's a turnup for the books!
"I'll have to ask you to vacate, Sir" He said menacingly.
"What the bally hell do you think I'm doing" I replied, " I thought the noise would have given a clue"
"No Sir, I want you to leave....NOW" He grunted.
"Well, if you look, you'll see I'm still mid flow" I replied "about another bottle of Champers I'd say"
So he stood there, staring at my left ear, until the flow had diminished. There was then what seemed like an eternity, as the final "minor afterflows" were accomplished, and I returned percy to its stable.
Godzilla watched me as I left the chamber, and as I closed the door behind me, I thought I heard him say something that sounded like "Chump", but upon second thoughts, he may only have been clearing his throat.
Things were getting stranger by the second, for as I returned back down the staircase, I came upon a man on "all fours", wearing a party hat and making a braying noise. It was then that I noticed that he had four half coconuts attached, one on each knee, and one on each hand....................

........As I am well known as a bit of a party animal and a jolly fine horseman, I immediately thought that it was "Flasher" Morgan doing his usual party trick and getting me to ride on his back.
I immediately jumped on, dug my heels into his nether regions and we were off.
Oh what fun I had, jumping over tables and chairs, singing away to my hearts content without a care in the world.
We must have been cantering around for half an hour or so when I managed to stop him by the Dukes Computer, so that I could tap out my earlier drunken message to you all.
I then fell off, and I'll be damned if I can remember the next bit, although I was aware of big hairy arms, dragging me to a bedroom against my will....I thought I was back at Eton for a while.
Anyway, when I came to, I was aware that the Dukes Butler was standing by the bed, with my hat and coat.
"Phipps, is that you?" I said.
"Indeed it is, Sir" he replied, "I have been instructed to see you to your limousine, where Forbes is waiting to take you home, Sir"
"Has the party finished?" I enquired.
"It seems that it has for you, Sir" he replied haughtily.
"You mean I have shown myself up again?" I said.
"That is not for me to say, Sir." he sniffed.
"What, for riding old Flashy round the Dining room?" I retorted " Not the first time and certainly not the last I would say."
"The horse in question was not Mr Morgan, Sir". He said down his nose. "It was someone you normally refer to as Binky"
"What? Binky Perkins?" I enquired " What was he doing here, I thought he was in Singapore"
"Not Lord Perkins either" Phipps replied "Binky, Sir. BINKY POODLECLIP ".
"Poodleclip? Poodleclip? Poo.....RUDDY NORA, Phipps" I coughed "You mean TONY?"
"I believe that is his first name, Sir" He smirked .
"You mean to tell me that I have been riding the Prime Minister of England around the Duke's Dining room?"
"And the Billiards room, Sir" He oozed "That is where you knocked over Herr Schroeder".
"Oh my Lord" I exclaimed "Anything else I should know? What the blazes was Tony doing, imitating a horse in the main hall anyway?"
"He was waiting for his rider, Sir" Phipps slimed "Who was in the Dukes bedroom, trying on his Stetson".
"And just who was that Phipps? I enquired " Bloody Hopalong Cassidy?"
"George, Sir" He smirked.
"George? I know about a dozen fellows named George" I said "Which one?"
" I believe that this one is known as George W, Sir" he chuckled.
"Oh my god, you mean THE George W?" (that would explain Godzilla in the loo).
"I believe I do, sir" said Phipps "But dont worry, he enjoyed the spectacle and joined in with your song"
"Song?" I gasped "Please dont tell me it was the "Mayor of Bayswater" song".
"The very one, Sir." He replied " The one that goes "The Mayor of Bayswater has got a pretty daughter, and the hairs on her..." "I KNOW HOW THE BLOODY SONG GOES PHIPPS" I screamed.
"He seemed to like the third verse the best, Sir" Phipps replied, "Now, how did it go...oh yes "She married an Italian with balls like a ruddy stallion"
"Oh God Phipps, I have really let the side down havent I" I wailed.
"Not to worry, Sir" he schmoozed "Her Majesty found it very amusing, apart from when you removed her Tiara, and placed it on Binky. You then rode around the room, calling him your little Princess,Sir"
"See me to my car, Phipps" I whispered.
"Certainly, Sir" Phipps said as he took my arm.
"Bang goes the old Camilla invitation" I said.
"It would seem that way,Sir" said Phipps.

It seems that I shall confine my activities to the Club for a while.
Lord Ellpus.

Just arrived at the Club, feeling extreme fatigue and nausea. Received a standing ovation as I walked in. Even "Creaky" Alphonse got to his feet. Word travels fast methinks.
Quite enjoyed the old writing bit though. Found it very therapeutic.
Just let me know if you want me to relate the time I once saw the Lord Mayor, in a barn, by candlelight, servicing a pair of beautiful............
...........eeerrahumpherrrummmmm..........."WONDERFUL BREASTS, COULD HAVE FED THE WHOLE OF AFRICA"..eerrruuuummmmmmmm....
...............ssnnnfffeeerrrrrummmmmmmm...."AH HAAA" ......................
mmmmffgur.......errrrrumf ........erummmffffweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemmm
mmm "NANNY, SPANKY WANT WEE WEE".................errrrummff......

..................errugh ahah "MADE COMPLETELY OUT OF RUBBER!" mmerr..
....uuurrerghaaarooogh"PYGMIES PYGMIES"errugh hummmmmrrruur......
...."TOOK IT RIGHT OFF AT THE KNEE,"..eee..ummmerr "What,....WHAT, what's happening? Where am I"
"You nodded off Sir, and left your voice activated keyboard on again".
"Oh, right, er um Thank you Smythe, jolly well done....now how does one switch it off again?"
"By pressing the "Off" switch, my Lord".
"Oh yes, got it now...this little switch here isn..........................................
.......................................................................................................
......................................

You are absolutely hilarious.
Please do go on......

I think kicky was right. This is Gus's long lost brother from England.

Thats it...bit more lively now, nothing like a good nap. Have also been to the loo to "shake hands with the unemployed" (if you know what I mean).
I have had the writer of "The mayor of Bayswater" on the phone, informing me that, in order to prevent him suing me for breach of copyright, I must advertise his web page.
Although I do not agree with ladies having access to such material (after all, it IS a Rugby song, and you know what they're like), I feel I must give in to his demand, but warn you ladies out there, to look away when the page is displayed.
IF, after the man of the house has judged it acceptable, you feel that you can cope with such crudity, there is apparently a little tune on the site to assist you in singing along.
SECOND WARNING:- This is NOT for the fainthearted, and once the song has entered the brain, it is liable to slip out after a few sherries have been consumed. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Spanky.
..... http://www.turoks.net/Bordello/MayorOfBayswater.htm

Oh, I'm so glad you found us - a belated welcome to a2k

You just made my day, and it's only beginning here at
the westcoast.

I'm so glad to have done SOME good in the last 24 hours my Dear....and by the way, if you dont mind me saying so.....judging by your photo i would say that you are a damn fine Filly. Have a "groovy day", you "hip chick".
Ellpy.

Lord Help Us lacks Gus's gift for conciseness.

Think I'm a bit of a rambler eh? ...I HAVE heard it said before, Cinnesthesia (absolutely enchanting name by the way, reminds me of those Angels one met at the Debutantes balls back in the sixties)....now, where was I ....rambler eh? Cant see it myself, but when I was in the Household Cavalry, during my stint in the Congo, my batman, who was a wonderful chap, terrible acne if I remember correctly, always going to the Docs for various creams. One day he tried the local brew, made out of spiders web, anteaters droppings and ground up bone off some animal or other, didnt clear the spots but stank the bloody tent out for a week. The locals use to call him M'Kono, which as you no doubt know, means "he who is about to explode". I remember one day when the Doc, who was a fine rugger player from Cambridge, played prop forward in the "old boys" team against the professors in 1966...thrashed them 32-12 if I remember.
....Now where was I....Oh yes, ....bit of a rambler eh?
Cant see it myself.
Lord Ellpus.

6.30am here.....Up with the lark again this morning. Damned problem I picked up on a mole scavenge in Tonga. Keeps me awake all bloody night sometimes.
So, I was thinking....Those American chappies are really into all the various treatments, remedies and healing crystal mumbo jumbo, so why not give them a bash at giving some ideas on how to cure my problem.

So, here goes....does anyone out there have a cure for Anal Vertigo?

Maybe I shall start a new thread for remedies of various sorts, for embarrassing conditions.

Drinking blood from a young, unencumbered virgin
should work wonders, I was told. Then again, I don't think you
find such utter rarity in England, do you?

I didn't know Debutantes have balls, although, how would one know, those girls are always prancing around in long gowns.

Thank you for helping me learn, Lord Ellpus.


Keep us posted, we care

Egbert (lucy) had them when he was a Deb !