My ex and My new

Hello Ladicha, Welcome to A2K.

I have a couple thoughts for you.

First, congratulations on attempting to maintain an amicable split with your husband. It's difficult to do but for your children's sake it is important that you and your husband do not bad-mouth each other. Good for you.

Second, you are not yet divorced and even though you plan on getting married to your new fiance, it hasn't happened yet. Until it does, in my opinion, your children should not be calling your boyfriend daddy or dad or anything else that refers to parentage. What if something happens and you end up not marrying this man? Will your next boyfriend become daddy too? This is *very* confusing to children and instead of having the stability of a loving step-father they have a revolving door of daddys roll through their lives getting no stability out of the concept of daddy whatsoever. I know you think your future is stabile and your plans will work out, but you never know for sure.

Once you've gotten remarried is plenty soon enough for your children to refer to you fiance as their daddy or dad. Best wishes to you and your future happiness.

Is there any chance of coming up with new terminology for your fiance? Like, your ex is "daddy", and your fiance is "papa"?

Your concern about mixed signals is quite valid, but since he's the ex I'm not sure how much you can do about it. :-? Seems like it might have to be more towards damage control. Not nice of him to put the kids in the middle, but I bet there's a reason he's an ex.

Anyway, do you think that if you give him that -- he keeps sole claim to the word "Daddy" -- he'll be more reasonable about the rest?

Daddy
Well for the first reply thank you for your comments,
I did think about the daddy thing as well if something was to happen and we were not to get married God forbid thats why i talk to my kids and call him by his name when i speak to them as well as speak about him so it scares me to even have had that thought but it has come to mind as well and i just let my kids know that he is they friend and let them know that he cares for them. Because Daddy is not used alot and its just mentioned when the four yr old says to his grandmother or father that his other daddy and i dont date this is the second guy sense my married and i didnt let him around my kids untill i knew it would be long turm but i just pray that nothing goes bad, but then if it does then that means it wasnt ment and my kids will be the focus of my life from that point on not another relationship.

To the second respond : If the word Daddy was the only thing that my ex would disagree on i would say that would solve everything but it doesn't unfortunity he disagrees on everything i mention, i mean everything he hardly ever compromises so i know there will be some other disagreement as well because our views are so different.
Thank you both anything else comes to mind let me know. Keep sending them everyone this is great!

Takes more than blood to be a daddy. If he cares for the children in all the ways a father cares for them, why wouldn't they call him that? To them, he is another daddy. The kids couldn't care less if he is blood related or not. Your husband needs to put his pride aside and do whats best for the children. If having two daddies makes them happy and they understand that he is their biological father and your new beau is their "adopted" father, there should be no problem. His pride needs to take a backseat to his childrens well being.

Just wanted to put my two cents in.

Just take a step back and look at the situation from your husband's point of view. The divorce is not final, yet you have a fiance. You have brought a new person into the children's lives . . . and you haven't even married him yet . . . and the kids are calling him "daddy."

Your husband does not want to be replaced in the children's lives.

If your husband starts dating, do you want the children to start calling his girlfriends, "mommy?"

Your children should be encouraged to call your fiance by his first name . . . and allow their real father to have the exclusive honor of being "daddy." In the same vein, you should have the exclusive honor of being "mommy." It's a small concession/compromise and everyone will still be happy.

If he's a good man and treats them well, your children will still love and respect their future stepfather and be happy to spend time with him regardless of what they call him.

Lad- Debra is correct put yourself in your ex's shoes.
Give it time, don't encourage the children to call your BF anything but what comes out of their mouths. I can only imagine that there is still a lot of tension between the two of you. The divorce isn't final and your ex sees you with a new man and another child... that can be very hard to handle for anyone. He can't see clear, the dust hasn't settled and it will probably be a while before it does.

Consider taking the children and yourself to counseling to deal with the emotional confusion (when they get a little older of course :wink: ). Maybe by then their dad might be interested in participating.

Keep up the good work, don't put their dad down. It's hard but one of you has to be the "bigger" person.

I agree with some of the above advice. Divorces are often messy business, and it's not all that surprising that the kids are a touchy subject for your ex-husband. Your husband probably doesn't want to be replaced as "dad" to the kids, and even though the children would probably not think of their stepfather as their biological dad, the title is still important to your ex-husband. I'm sure you would feel odd if the kids started calling another woman "mommy". I used to be friends with a woman whose young son had to spend time with a foster mom. The foster mom had the boy call her "mommy", which really upset my friend, because she'd never given the foster mother permission to have her son use that name. I suggested asking the foster mom to think of another motherly nickname for the child to call her, but I never heard from my friend again after that, so I don't know how that worked out.

I would still suggest asking your husband what's "ok" for your sons to call your new fiance, other than his first name. Or perhaps, you can have the kids invent a cute nickname for him. But I think the best thing you can do is speak to a mediator/counselor about what would be the best compromise that will satisfy both parents and be less confusing or traumatic for the kids.

Sorry, sounds like your ex is immature on the matter.

I'm no expert on divorce, but do you think it would help to talk it over with your ex to come to a conclusion or compromise that won't confuse your children?

Answering everyone
Bella Dea, your are right my ex does have a bad problem with his pride and putting that aside for him is like asking him for the second time to forgive me for ever hurting him with the whole situation, because i have already asked once and he doesnt have a forgiving heart about to much of anything.

Debra Law, I understand that he may feel that he is beeing replaced and that would be because he(ex) doesnt take the time with the boys at all or even try to. I have made it very clear to him that he can get them when ever he wants but just doesnt take the effort. Never has even when we were together. He is young and is very young minded. Didn't want kids and i wouldn't abort them so it was there for him to accept as the father, but his actions spoke louder than what really took place. As far as me feeling horriable if he alowed his girlfriend to call her mommy believe it or not i would not feel bad because i know my kids love me and know who i am i am their mother and calling someone mommy express the love of i would give to them they are recieving from her so i know she is taking care of them like i would and not hurting them. He only would feel honored because he is the REAL father and the thought that the kids feel that way about this man shows how much he could have been doing for them when they were with him and what he could be doing now but chooses not to. Yes he is a good man and it doesnt matter what they call him they are happy, thats why i dont insist on it i let them be the judge of their own feelings. They would definitely let me know if they didnt like the matter.

Mommy2more, I know you aggeed with Debra about the mommy thing well again i would feel bad i would feel like she is mature enough to care for my children like a mother and i would feel warm inside knowing that my kids are safe with her. YOu also said dont put him(ex) down somebody has to be the bigger person, I dont know if you ment i was putting him down by alowing the kids to express their feelings. or because some other reason????? I,
cnsider it as respect also because maybe it is just me but i have always had a problem with calling older people or people that could be my mother and is close to me by their first name like my ex mother n law from the day i started dating her son i always called her momma and my mother never questioned me about it or had a problem and i was still under the age of 18 it made me feel good and it made her feel good. Also i know you stated that my ex SEEING me with new man and a new child is very hard on him and he has to clear the dust first to get over it, well i dont know if you ment by SEEING me as i see a person in front of me or as SEEIng me as in knowing, because my ex was so imature about the whole divorce in the beginning that we were unable to communicate because he wanted to use fowel language and argue so i stayed away and i haven't seen him and just spoke to him for the first time in FIve months. HIs mother wanted to keep things on the cool as she would put it so she relayed messages through her. I told him in person seven months ago about the new relationship and the baby, and he never even saw the guy or seen me pregnant, I try to stay my distance when it is coming down to hurting his feelings.

Krysia, YOu also agreed with them about the mommy thing, I guess you could read the response i gave them.

SCoates, Yes he is very immiture about the whole thing, eveything i say has been twisted, we never agree and he think what he wants to think, but the kids are not his first though right now it is money and how less he could pay once child support kicks in.

Thanks everyone for your comments if you have anymore please write back. Keep them coming guys.

Re: Answering everyone


I agreed that you should always put yourself in the other persons shoes and think about how you would feel.. How would you handle it. Sounds like you know what you want.. it also sounds like you are still young and have already gone thru a lot in your life time.

I speak from my own experience… your story hits too close to home. Down to about 1 month ago.

I too had 2 boys with my ex married at 19, divorce by 23 supported my children for 6 year w/o any child support from dad, up until 4 months ago. I finally let the DA deal with him, but he still doesn't pay me the monthly ordered amount. My ex cares for our boys, he has them 27% of the time and we got to the point where the children don't have to carry anything back and fourth from one house to the other. I was divorce for 6 years before I remarried 1 year ago (that's another story) anyhow, things do get better when you move on. My boys are older 13 and 10 and they love their stepdad and they call him by his first name or actually a cute name but when they introduce him to friends they do say, "this is my dad".

I remember when my boys came home not even a month after I left their dad and told me their dad told them they HAD to call his girlfriend mommy. It hurt and I was angry, I called and told him that I did not appreciate him telling the boys they HAD to call her mommy, and that I was their mommy and hung up.. I looked down and saw the look of fear & confusion in my boys eyes, at that point I decided that from there on out I would do what was in the best interest of my children. Regardless of what anyone thought or how hurt dad would be. I told them I was very sorry for arguing with daddy and that if they wanted to call his girlfriend "mommy" it was okay and that I would not be upset or hurt. I told them that I was their birth mom and nothing or anyone can ever take that away from them regardless of what they call dad's girlfriend/s.

I put aside, actually let go of the anger I had for their dad years ago. I can't lie it did take almost 3 years of counseling to overcome the issues I left with when I left their dad. The boys always have questions about what is right or what I think about the way they should handel a situation with their dad. I try to give them objective advice but being the mom some times that's hard to do.

When my oldest turned 12 his dad told wasted no time telling him that legally he could choose which one of us he wanted to live with. For the longest time that was my biggest fear because I knew their dad would try that… My son said, "no dad, I'm happy with living with mom and Richie… and I like visiting you." That was the day I knew all the things I had told them & taught them had paid off! Children know and learn which parent is being a "true" parent.

Being the bigger person just meant, if he's mean to you don't retaliate against him (didn't mean you did). They say that the best revenge is kindness. I know it's worked for me, not that I was being vindictive but he doesn't know how to handle it when I seem to be on his side.
We still disagree on things but the boys are old enough to know right from wrong and to make pretty good decisions on their own.


Good luck and follow your heart!

RESPOND
Thank you for sharing your story with me, that is so true your situation is very similur to mine and I can see my ex probably try something like that when they get twelve. Try to see who they would pick to live with even though he probably doesnt want that responsabilty, but we will see and you are right kids do know who is being true and they will know the right way to chose from when you (as the mother) is doing everything in your power to make sure they are happy and well raised.

Thanks again hope to hear from you later.