New here but have a question

Use visual Viagra!

What do you mean visual Viagra?
Things like Lingere and stuff? She does that. She is also pretty open to trying and doing just about anything. It's not a lake of effort on her part at all.

Visual Viagra is Porn!

I have no idea of what there is about her that is not stoking your fires -- and I suspect you don't either. But if you let some porn stars do the heavy lifting for her, you may find that you can perform with some gusto no matter what the problem is.

May not work -- but it is worth a try.

Where have you sought advice, besides the internet?

I havent look anywhere. This is basicly the first time I've let it out.
I have never told or talked to anyone about it.

We have also done the porn part as well. I still cant finish. Yeah things get moving in an upwards direction but they soon fall before the scene is over. It's not like this all the time just seems to be becomming more and more often.

It might be helpful if you figure out if you are unattracted to her because she IS unattractive, or is it because you feel less intimacy with her, too muchfamiliarity with her, maybe some bad feelings that you are carrying over into your sex life?

Is the issue physical or physological? If she isn't an attractive woman, it's possible that all of the good things she is isn't making you feel attracted to her anymore. Or maybe she isn't taking care of herself like she used to. Or maybe it is neither but you don't feel physically close to her for some reason.

Some of these things can be changed by talking to your wife or talking to a professional, but only if it's something else that is affecting your attraction to her.

Why do you suppose these feelings took so long to manifest themselves?

To be flat out honest and blunt about it. She is very good looking in the face and dressed. When the clothes come off it's another story. Most guys she runs into find her attractive. She's not missing teeth and stuff LOL. She is alittle overweight but working on it. She has gotten into working out and watching what she eats everyday. She's not sloppy with herself.
More lately I've noticed myself looking at younger women. I'm 28 she's 34. Physically I find the ones my age or younger more attractive. I find myself thinking why I couldnt have been with a woman thats say 24 and fall in love with her. Now she would have a good personality and I'm really easy going and get along with most people. Why couldnt I find a better looking woman with the same attitude or similar personalities as my wife. If I did this I would have both worlds rather then one.

Here is another kicker for me. I've gotten bored in other relationships as well. Physicaly bored. I liked the person everything seemed to work out between us. No major diffrences or arguments. But I found myself with a been there done that attitude.
I have a feeling part of this is just a natural guy thing. But what about the guys who are happily married and stay that way? How do you keep wanting the same person sexually? How do you enjoy something that isnt so perfect day after day?
I feel terrible that I feel this way and think this way. It's getting worse and I dont knwo what to do. It woud be hard to let her know since it would be devistaing to her.

You need to get yourself into counselling to find out why you get bored physically with women. It sounds like there is no problem in your relationship. From what you are saying, I have to infer that the difficulty lies within you.

Remember, she will always be older than you. When you married her you knew that. It sounds like except for the physical part of your relationship, the rest of it is very good. And there are the children to consider. You don't give up a good working relationship for a roll in the hay, and that just is what might happen.

It seems to me that if this is a recurring pattern of yours, you will always be looking for some young attractive thing, and soon tire and go on to another. Don't make that mistake. You have too much to lose. You need to find out why YOU are having this problem. There are counsellors who specialize in physical problems of marriage. Get going and good luck!

The roll in the hay may not be yours, either. If you keep being unaffectionate with your wife she may start looking elsewhere.

I dont feel I will pursue this roll in the hay with someone else. I dont want to do that out of respect for my wife. I wouldnt want to see what that would do to her if she found out. Nor do I want to find out what it feels like to hide try and hide it.
I'm not sure how to find help with counselling either. How do I bring this issue up with my wife? How can I get her to understand it's probably not her but it's me? I dont really know how to go to a counsellor without her knowing about it.
I am almost positive this is my problem and something messed up within me. I feel bad everytime I look at her laying in bed sleeping or get half way thru sex and "poop out". I please her everytime (she tells me and not just a "yeah I'm pleased sort of way). After I've taken care of her I cant finish myself either under my own efforts or hers.

Funny thing is I am actually okay without rolling in the hay. I personaly can handle not doing it for long periods at a time. It's harder for her though. She is a once a day kind of person. She says it's because she is so attracted to me that she wants me all the time. Her flame is a bonfire and mine is a little spark.
But it's not that I'm wierd and dont think about it. I'm like anyother guy that walks past a good looking woman and thinks about seeing her naked. I can live without it but I do want it all the time. Just not with the same person... so it seems.
I'm also smart enough to know that I wont find true happiness changing out women every so often.

I didnt mean to turn this into a dear Abby topic but I guess this is the kind of thing you talk about here.

Another thing I notice are older guys who have been married for a very long time. Like say people in their 50's or so. These guys that are truely happy will say their wife is is still good looking.
Do they really think this physicaly, are they just saying this to make their wives happy, or is it because it's all tied in emotionaly?

It's like porn. I can watch or look at some but can never find a perticular woman to stick with. Once I've seen her a few times thats it I feel the "been there done that" she then does nothing for me anymore. Is this normal or am I just loaded with to much BS testoserone thats telling me to keep looking for a new subject to spread my genes around with.

I love my wife and want to be with her forever. If she didnt want the effection I feel I would be fine. But as she said "we would be nothing more then best friends then". I want her to be more then just my bestfriend. I would like to figure out how to change the way I view physical beauty.

First, welcome to A2K, R1guy. This is one of about a zillion things we talk about.

I think your last sentence above really is pointing you in the right direction -- towards counselling. I understand what you mean about not being able to do it without her knowledge, but what is the alternative at this point?

Hiya guy

[Edit: man, this response turned out long - sorry bout that]

Brave of you to come up with an issue like this as a newbie. It's something men are not really expected to own up to, is it - one's problem being a relative lack of sex drive rather than the usual, "I keep cheating on my woman" thing.

I don't know whether I really have something to add of any use. There's so much to say about it, really ... some here already have said, and you have echoed, that you seem to have a personal problem, a long-standing one, on this, that goes beyond who your wife is or what's she's like. Yet to some degree I'm sure every (wo)man comes to this problem, also.

In that sense I do think counselling could be a logical next step, but you shouldn't automatically feel chased into therapy as the only solution either, that is to say not as if it's just about you being the "sick" one who needs to be medicalized (I'm exaggerating here). You will recognize, I'm sure, that the point you raise might make respondents react defensively - the thought that someone who loves you suddenly loses his/her sexual interest must after all be among the scariest, and in that sense instinct will tell one to conclude that something must just be wrong with him/her - with you, in this case ;-).

It's also not like a counsellor will suddenly have the magic answer - although a counsellor will have a lot of expertise to base advice on, there's also the we're-all-going-to-get-there side to it, that is best served with asking around and finding out the different ways in which other pple deal with it. And a board can be perfect considering you probably don't want to load any real-life friendship with knowledge that will influence how they look at you or your wife or the two of you. So that's just to say it's not either/or, both is best I think!

Myself, I've been in opposite kind of situations on this ... an ex of mine, the sexual attraction was the very last thing to go. She was, to me, both beautiful and sexy to the very end - even when our relationship was all fucked up and she had harmed me (like I had harmed her, I'm sure) in ways too thorough to be excused now. But the opposite too: in a relationship where everything finally seems to work out - where you mean the world to each other, on all kinds of levels - even when the sexual spark just does not seem to be there (anymore).

One thing you can take from that - but then you already have - is that it should never be the decisive factor. I, for one, would prefer the latter of the above-mentioned relationships over the former at any time.

On this, I don't agree with your wife if she says that, without sex, it would just be "best friends". When one shares one's life, one's every single day, with somebody, where that somebody knows weaknesses no friend knows, and can help you and seek your help in ways only that one significant other can, then your relationship is always more than what you have with even the best of your friends. I believe love is more than the simple equation of friendship + love. But that's probably an aside.

One thing I was wondering about, but I may of course be way off track, was this - where you write:



- if hers is a bonfire, and yours is a little spark - to what extent has a degree of unequalness always been there in that respect? Cause let me just - speculate ... : say, if her hunger is a great one - and you seem very much someone who attaches great value - takes great pride even, perhaps - in satisfying her, filling her needs - is it possible that her fire has come to kind of overshadow not just the size, but also the - character of yours?

Errrmmm ... ok, lets get personal, cause otherwise I'm not going to get to make this point clear: I know from past experience that - like, my first priority, my first drive, is always on satisfying the other, on pleasing - or it has come to be like that over time, anyway. But I did find at some point in time that I was always so busy exploring her wishes, her needs, her dreams, that that had become the world of our lovemaking - that I was in her world, basically, always. It offered great rewards, in creating and witnessing the extacy she derived from it. But I lost out of sight, in that whole experience, what I might have really wanted - which avenues of exploration would have made me feel the very best.

It wasnt that she didnt care or didnt take any effort, at all - but yeh, her desires were stronger, I think, than mine from the start, so it was only logical that at some point in time, starting to make love for me meant automatically sensing out and adapting to her inner world, her desires ... and so I did lose myself, I think, to some extent and - hey - found out that suddenly, like you, I wasn't always able - or, more to the point, was able to come but found it to become a disappointing affair, a mere aftertale - and after that, I just stopped wanting, really, stopped desiring even to go there. Lovemaking still remained very beautiful, but - yeh, where it concerned my own, possibly hidden, deeper satisfactions, postponing led to setting it aside a bit, which led to - just leaving it out, altogether. And I can well imagine that that in the end makes one's partner feel insecure in her turn, too (though I don't think it ever really registered fully with her in my case).

So, anyway: I started telling about myself simply cause otherwise I'd end up being oblique to the point of incomprehensible, but this is the thought that popped up in my mind reading your posts: could it be that her "bonfire" has kinda drowned out your spark, and that you need to rediscover that spark, rediscover what fuels it, how it works, what it needs or where it would like to go, after the first few heated months?

Cause in a way, if you say it happens always again, really, that could mean some other personal problem but it could also simply mean you haven't taken the occasion to explore your own sexual drive and all it could involve beyond those first lovestruck months where everything goes automatic anyway - and if you've got a partner with a huge sexual energy/drive, it makes sense that you wouldn't ever really get the chance, either. And then you can end up just kinda sliding aside your own desires - or running into that feared fling in the end after all. Another reason why I bring it up is - it does strike me that even now you phrase your problem as being one of not being able to give your partner what she wants - even when the thing in question is your excitement!

Just a thought. Not at all to discount other possibilities and analyses offered here focusing more on how the "losing interest" thing could point to some kind of psychological block you might have. Just don't discount the possibility either that there might be something in the relationship - not in her as a person, perhaps, but in the dynamic - that plays a role, too. That would mean addressing that possibility with her eventually, even if she probably already feels insecure enough.

i think if you have a decent relationship with your wife, you can tell her you want to go to counselling and she will respect your decision.