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Mon 14 Mar, 2005 11:24 pm
Hello all,
First, let me say I've enjoyed reading all the other posts and have now decided to post my own issue because you all see to have reasonable and sensible opinions. It's nice to see you all post responses with more than "get over her," or "wow, that sucks." This might be longer than what you guys like to read
.so thanks in advance.
My girlfriend and I broke up about 7 months ago for very trivial reasons after dating on and off throughout high school. We both handled the whole thing very childishly (if that's a word). Okay, we're 20, so I guess that still makes us kids, but it certainly did not justify our behavior. We stopped talking to each other immediately without really knowing why we broke up, but still maintained mutual friends. She has found a new boyfriend since then, and appears to be relatively happy. Right before the new year, I decided to talk to her one night
.. Mostly because I am not over her (and I know it). After a few weeks of talking, she said she still "has feelings for me" and often thinks about what would have happened if we had just talked about the break-up instead of acting so childish. However, she also said that her new boyfriend also deserves a chance too. I should also mention that her and her new boyfriend attend different schools about 2.5 hours apart. She often complains because she only gets to see him every few weeks. We have talked daily now for weeks, and I am still very close with her family. I recently spent a weekend with her and her mother away from home
. Which of course had to remain a secret so her boyfriend wouldn't find out. When we are both home from school, she often comes to my house with our other close friend. Again, this all has to be a big secret because of her boyfriend. As you can imagine, he does not like me and does not even like me around (this does not bother me at all). ANYWAY
.. What do you all think about this? How should I act? What should I say? Most of all
.. HELP! I mean, she obviously still has feelings for me (she has said this, and her actions speak this too). But what about this whole her having a boyfriend thing? I have no one to talk to about this because we're all friends and she doesn't want her boyfriend finding out about this
. So I can't even talk to my friends about this
and I've been holding it in too long.
Thanks so much!
Around 200 years ago, the Scottish novelist, Sir Walter Scott, penned those immortal words on deception, "Ah, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive."
That said...let's move on. You have been there for her, you are there for her now and I suspect, she expects that you will always be there for her in the future.
Whatever the reasons or behaviour you both displayed regarding your breakup 7 months ago is really irrelevant. What is relevant are the reasons and behaviours that are being acted out in the here and now. You have both done some maturing over the last seven months, but sadly I don't think that she has yet caught up with you. To practice such secretiveness regarding your friendship doesn't speak well of her respect for you. She is only caring at this time to protect the feelings of her new boyfriend and not giving your feelings much regard.
She's got herself a good web going. She has her new boyfriend when she can see him and she has you the rest of the time. Plus she has a large contingent of friends and family who are willing to follow her wishes in keeping you a great big secret from him. How does that make you feel?
Is playing second fiddle ok with you so she can give this new guy a chance? A chance at what I wonder.....
Picture her sitting on a fence. You on one side and new guy on the other. All she has to do is hope down. To one side or another. But she isn't. she is currently getting all the devotion and attention she needs from two young men and enjoying sitting on the fence while the both of you vie for her attentions. I see two pretty clear directions you can take here. You can continue to vie for her attention and be the eternal secret or you can turn and walk off the playing field for now and let her come to her own decision.
I would strongly suggest thinking about what YOU want in a relationship and if the shoe were on the other foot, how much tolerance she would have for you having another girlfriend and she had to be kept a secret.
You sound like a very smart young man with very sincere intentions. Don't let this love or infatuation or devotion or whatever it is you feel for her blind you to the fact that you are right now, only second string.
I'm sorry....I just don't want to see you get hurt in the long run.
Your situation sounds like a romance ballad: Torn Between Two Lovers
-Artist: Mary MacGregor
-Words and Music by Peter Yarrow (of Peter, Paul , and Mary) and Phil Jarrel
CHORUS
"Torn between two lovers, feelin' like a fool
Lovin' both of you is breakin' all the rules
Torn between two lovers, feelin' like a fool
Lovin' you both is breakin' all the rules"
Unfortunately, she might be singing it, but you're living it. Listen to Lady J. She gave you good advice.
Are you satisfied with a friendship, or are you looking for more? If you're looking to rekindle the romantic portion of the relationship could you be happy being involved with a girl who would keep secrets from you about who she's hanging out with? I'm sure I wouldn't, but that's just me. You have to accept that if she's being secretive with her new boyfriend then she could just as easily hide things from you.
I totally agree with everything Lady J has said.
Thank you guys so much. I'm amazed at how quick you all respond and how detailed and personal you make your posts.
Lady J, what you said makes sense to me too. I understand I need to decided what I want to do... because this obviously isn't working. I think it would be much easier for me to walk away if she still didn't have feelings for me... and if we actually had a real reason to break up. When we are together it seems as if nothing has changed, except we aren't techinacially dating; she has even said this. I don't know, I'm just at a loss. She appears to be happy... but last week she mentioned that she is "technically unhappy" with her new boyfriend, because he doen't pay much attention to her, hardly comes to see her, and treats her as if their relationship is a chore for him. I tried talking her through this because she was upset... but it was hard for me. As much as I want to help her.... I still have a hard time giving her advice on her new relationship. I guess I just need to sit down and talk with her... I might use a few of your ideas if thats okay. Any advice on how to talk to her about this would also be appreciated. I can talk to her about anything.. but we it comes to us I tend to get emotional and don't know what to say.
Thank you guys for all of your help, you all are great.
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