Reply
Thu 10 Mar, 2005 07:35 pm
Hello to all and thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read and respond to my question.
It goes like this>>> A few years ago my wife met a person at work who she talked about a lot of the time, things like "he is really good looking and we get on very well together". Overtime this got on my nerves and I said to my wife, do not mention that persons name in my house again.The male in question used to send his kids to the same school as our kids and my wife even introduced him to me, I shook his hand as I trusted my wife totally.
Sometimes the mans wife used to go and pick up her kids from school and when my wife saw her there she used to say that she was a bitch and a horrible woman, I said how do you know, she said I just know.
Time went by and the man left the place of work and started up his own business.
I have now found out that the man who worked with my wife had a habit of having affairs, so I asked my wife if she had ever been unfaithful to me (I kept nagging her). She said that a lot of people that worked with my wife and the man thought that they were having a affair because they got on so well together and went to lunch and for a drink at lunchtime (not evening) together.
I kept questioning her and eventually she said YES YES I did have a affair and with the man in question. I went mad and walked out.
Next day she phoned me up to say that she had lied and nothing went on between them, except a kiss and cuddle which she denied later on. She was crying and said she was so sorry.
I let time pass on but at the back of my mind I never felt sure.
One day I saw the man in question at a bar and my friend who knew him said see that guy there he has just been thrown out of his house by his wife because he got caught yesterday for having a affair(habits die hard).
I went home to my wife that night and said that this man owned up to me and said that you did have a affair with him, basically I put her to the test. She said do you promise that you will not say anything, I said yes I will not say anything. She said yes she did have a affair. Again I went mad. Next day or two she denied everything again. She said she was sick and tired of me for asking.
Now please help me my wife has totally confused me and its causing a lot of silent suffering from me. I just need the truth either way.
One thing I must add is that my wife is a believer that if you do not get on with your partner a "fling" should not damage a marriage as long as its not a fully blown affair. At that time we were not getting on so great.
If there are any women out there who read this what do you think?
It is destroying me.
I just want to find out the truth and then take it further, either forgive or finish.
I thankyou for reading and your opinion.
Okay.
I'm a woman and here's my take on it: she was paying the price for having an affair with him by you harassing her all the time, whether she actually did it or not.
You both seem to have big problems telling each other the truth.
She's lied - for sure.
You've lied - for sure.
If you want to save your marriage you should get to counseling, pronto!
Boomerang,
I lied in what???
You said the guy told you he was having an affair with your wife.
Perhaps you just didn't make it clear.
Your friend told you the guy had been thrown out of his house but did he really, in fact, own up to you, to your face, that he had an affair with your wife?
It didn't sound like it from your post.
But you told your wife that he did.
I don't see one reason someone would admit to having an affair because their husband was "harrassing" her about it. Sounds like you can't trust her.
Did you? No
Did you? No
Did you? No
Did you? No
Did you? No
Did you? No
Did you? No
Did you? No
Did you? No
Did you? No
Did you? No
Did you? No
Did you? No
Did you? No
Did you? No
Did you? Yes! Yes! Okay! Will you shut the f**k up already?
People have confessed to murder under similar circumstances.
She cheated on you.
You have to decide if you think you can get over it.
Most people can't, and they drive themselves and their partner crazy.
Go to counselling with her, and see if you can save the marriage (if you really believe you want to.)
If you don't think you can forget it--or get over it--get a divorce now, instead of dragging her, you and any possible or future children through the utter hell all this can cause.
Been there, done that.
You either forgive her and move forward, or get a divorce. It won't work any other way.
Boomerang,
Yes I lied the second time she told me that she had a affair, how else could I expect her to answer me. Remember SHE is the one who put doubt in my mind after telling me what she did the first time, and its just screwed me right up. Please bear in mind I never lied the first time.
Simply put, a lie is a lie is a lie. It really doesn't matter who lied first. The only thing I know about lies is that they always come back and bite you in the a$$ at some point or another.
Moving past the lies, you have both found yourselves facing some major trust issues. You have heard of this guys reputation and you know your own wife's stance on believing it is ok to have a bit of a "fling" but not a full blown affair. Where does that line get drawn between the two I wonder....
I have to agree with Cicerone on this one with just an added touch. If you do decide to forgive and move forward in your relationship, I think some marriage counseling might do you both a world of good so some boundaries can be re-established for making this marriage work and finding ways to communicate to each other that don't involve lies from either side. I think trust is initially given freely because we choose to believe in our partner and have faith in them. Once a trust is broken or shattered, it can a VERY long time to regain it...and some never do.
If after working with a good marriage counselor for awhile, you should be able to decide what path is right for you.
I wish you both the best of luck, whatever your futures hold.
Stumble It!
Tweet This
Bookmark on Delicious
Share on Facebook
Share on MySpace