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Wed 9 Mar, 2005 12:09 pm
This is my first post and I really need some good advice. I'm a 31 year old male and have been in a very serious and fun 5 month relationship. It's by far the best relationship I've ever had - she's smart, very successful and amazingly beautiful inside and out. I'm in love with her and would do anything for her though we haven't exchanged the I Love You's yet
but we were close one night.
The other night at a bar while I was drunk, she noticed that I was getting jealous while she was talking to an old friend (who she claims they were just friends a few years ago). Actually, lots of guys want to talk to her. At the same bar a few months ago, some guy pulled me aside and said, "your girlfriend is soo beautiful!". This old friend of hers was all over her but in a friendly way, but being drunk I didn't see it that way. She noticed that I was pissed off and saw me pacing around in the bar and knows that I was getting pretty jealous. Her ex-finance was manipulative and very possessive and my behavior was a HUGE red flag for her.
We had a big talk the next morning and still continue to talk but she's been giving me the cold shoulder lately. She just hasn't been herself, not the sweet & sincere person that I know her to be. I'm worried that I've really screwed this up bad! In all of the relationships that I've been in including live-in girlfriends, I've never thought of them as being "the one", but I feel that she is. She is the best thing that's ever happened to me.
What I need is just a little advice on how to handle this situation. It's been 4 days since this happened and we've never been through any fights or problems before. Just want you to know that I've talked to my friends and they said, I don't know you to be the jealous type! I've never had a problem with this before and I'm completely upset with myself for the way I acted. We are both very mature and have said that we will not play games with each other. I think I just need to lay low for a while and let her cool off but I don't know
that's why I posted this
actually, instead of laying low for a while, I think you should tell her exactly those things you posted here...from first to last word....
I agree. Especially the "I've never felt this way before because I think you are the one..." part.
Welcome!
Well, the first fight is always the worst....
First, personally, if a lot of guys came up to me at the bar and started talking to me while my husband was there, he'd get pissed too. It's just not respectful. Second, you were drunk and while that isn't an exuse it is a reason. She should take that into consideration.
I think you overreacted but 4 days is plenty long for her to cool off over it. It isn't like you started a screaming match in the bar, hit the guy in the face and stormed out. (You didn't, right?) It is natural to be insecure at the beginning of a realtionship. You might not be the jealous type but wanting to hold on to this girl and the fear that you might lose her may have made you act out in a way you normally wouldn't.
You need to talk to her. 4 days is long enough and just from what I read, your behavior doesn't warrent a 4 day grudge. A few choice words, perhaps, but not this. :wink:
If she won't talk to you about it, you might want to take this as a sign that the relationship is over. If she gets this mad over something like this, imagine what will happen when you really screw up (that isn't meant to be mean...it's meant in the way that ALL people screw up in relationships at one time or another, men and women.)
My advice?...for what it's worth. Don't drink when you're around her...or at least drink responsibly. You seem to let the jealous side show when you drink and it belies a sense of insecurity. Your grrrl , being self confident, sees that as a weakness in you. If she's as wonderful as it sounds you'd better hurry up and confess your sin to her. Perhaps she'll see it as a sign of strength.
BTW. I went through something like this and lost a wonderful partner. I just didn't know any better.
I think you've expressed yourself very well. Just tell her everything you've said here.
Jealousy alot of times stems from our insecurities about ourself.
Do you know what you might be insecure about? And why? If you can figure that out and work on it - you will be much better off.
I think that because she is different than any other girl you have dated and your feelings for her much stronger - your insecurities have surfaced where they might not have in previous relationships.
As far as what should you do now. That's a tough one. We do have a tendency to look for signs of things we hated about past relationships in our new ones.
I think you should sit down with her and talk about this. Make no excuses for your behavior because she's not gonna buy it. :wink: Tell her straight up what you just said here and let the chips fall. But you have to do something. Laying low is not really going to help.
First suggestion - do not drink until you are drunk - it obviously brings out the worst in you. Next - Buy her some flowers and apologize. Explain to her that the alcohol was part of the problem and that because you can control that it will never happen again. Drunk guys can be a real turn off, so learn when to stop or stick to club soda. She has seen your dark side, now you need to turn her back to the light.
We went out to dinner two days ago and talked about what happened. When I picked her up I brought her a card & her favorite flowers too. I already told her that I made a big mistake and apologized to her. I also talked to her yesterday a few times on the phone as well so she's is not blowing me off, just not being the girl I recently fell in love with.
Toolboxx wrote: she's is not blowing me off, just not being the girl I recently fell in love with.
Because she is remembering the pain of her past relationship. She doesn't feel the softness and warmth of you right now.
I doubt an apology will wipe all of that away - but time might.
Good luck!
Toolbox, you don't sound like a bad guy. Just apologize, and hope that is enough. If she is still dealing with old demons, I doubt you can do much about it.
I don't suggest this as a general rule, toolbox, but grovel. When you're wrong say so, and hope for the best. Since it sounds like it has been good for her too, it might even work, because, believe it or not, girls have as much trouble finding the right person as we do.
What did you meen by "all over her but in a friendly way?" If an old freind gives you're g'f a hug or kiss on the cheek, that seems pretty normal, but if he is sitting there in front of you and repeatadly touching or caressing or whatever, I think you may be right to be a little jelous. That kind of behavior is kind of disrespectful, on the "old friends" part.
In my experiance, being a pretty non-jelouse guy, my wife usually finds in endearing when I get a little miffed about another guy getting a little too friendly (it diesn't happen that often). As long as you express yourself in a nonthreatening/non controling way it should show her that you have some blood in your veins, and in moderation, I don't think that's a bad thing.
If you are at a bar next time and some guy is getting too friendly, try subtalty. Ask your wife to dance or play a game of pool, change tables or something so you can be the one thats all over her. When you get back sit down next to your g/f and relagate the old friend to the other side of the table, where he belongs. You're g/f and him will probably get the message without the need for a dramatic confrontation. IMO, I think skulking away is a bad move, it enivites drama and makes things into a bigger deal than they have to be.
Okay, here's what you have to do.
You have to pick up your gonads, look at them, and realize that you are a man! Say the following to her the next time you see her...
"I AM THE MAN, GODDAMMIT, AND I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU TALKING TO ANY OTHER GUYS EVER, OR YOUR CUTE LITTLE ASS WILL BE OUT THE DOOR! GOT IT? GOOD! NOW MAKE ME A SANDWICH!"
Trust me, it'll work.
On Kickycan's note, if she is so hot that other men can't keep thier hands off her, maybe a burca would help. She could take it off when she got home so it doesn't interfere with her sandwich making duties.
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