Why don't some patents bring their children up right?

Actually, my parents had no choice in migrating ... they were "displaced people" & had to find another country to live in. I think their aspirations for me, if you could call it that, was because "betterment" was so possible! So easy, in fact, compared to the set (European) society from which they had come. Oz was unbelievable!: you could work hard & you could profit & improve your life. I have noticed a very similar attitude in many of the Vietnamese students I've taught.
Strangely, the most stuck, bitter & resentful students I've taught have been the offspring of Oz "battlers". It is hard to understand why, but many totally lack drive, inspiration, hope ... some of those students come close to breaking my heart. It is so hard to motivate them, to convince them that learning is worthwhile ....

But your parents may have had a choice (assumption by me without knowing their specific situation - and I'm not being intrusive here because it's not necessary to spell it out) as many Europeans went to countries other than Australia (I am assuming this is post-WW2) such as Canada, the UK, the US and so forth. They must have made a rational choice to come to Australia (I know the choice may have been guided of course).

Very interesting point about the children from Oz battler parents. I can identify with that in the sense that I've dealt with them too (parents/kids/families) and while it's trite to rave on about an underclass that's what I'm seeing - so I can understand what you mean. Fertile ground for research (if someone can get a grant - given than it might turn up some evidence which goes against received wisdom).

Very good question - re why some people continue with terrible parenting prctices that were inflicted on them - and why some do not.

I suspect intelligence is a factor...and exposure to a decent attachment relationship SOMEWHERE (eg a good teacher and suchlike is a protective factor re this stuff) as well as other things.

A mechanism which helps it occur is the ability to reflect upon one's parenting experiences in childhood - this is demonstrated in the Adult Attachment Interview, which is assessed via a very labour intensive discourse analysis.

The ability to reflect on one's parenting - and to be neither emotionally fixated upon it, nor to deny its emotional impact - is highly predictive (via an "earned secure" or secure attachment, as assessed by the interview) of a reasonable attachment relationship with one's own children - which tends to mean one is, at least, a "good enough" parent.

And who finds reflection difficult? Why - often those very folk who are raised in traumatic circumstances - because, it is thought, of both less than optimum neurological development (kids in really bad homes tend to not develop optimally neurologically) and of psychological factors in relation to the development of cognitive schema.

There is definitely an Oz underclass. And it's becoming quite entrenched & bitter! I worry that it's fertile ground for unscrupulous political exploitation. There is so much anger & resentment there!

And no, my parents didn't have a real choice of country. Long story, involving particular family circumstances, but the US & Canada were out of the question. So it was South America or Oz. Luckily (for me!) it was Oz! Yay!

Some just don't know how. Kids don't come with manuals. And if your parents didn't raise you right...it would be easy to not raise your kids right. The vicious cycle.

You are so right.

And such damaged people in it.

It is why I have such a passion for infant mental health and attachment work.

Ok - it is a drop in the bucket of reality - but there ARE demonstrated good coutcomes for people.

Deb

I really don't know a lot about infant mental health programs (dealing, as I do, with adolescents in their hundreds ). When you have the chance, I'd really like to hear more. (Though not necessarily at this late time .... in the wee small hours of Saturday morning, when we've both just finished work for the week! )