I'm still in love with my past...

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I have had a really rough few years. About 2 1/2 years ago I lost my boyfriend of 7 years in a car accident. I didn't know how to get through my loss and turned to his best friend. While my first boyfriend was alive, his best friend and I didn't get along and never spent any time around each other. He was always known as a womanizer and he didn't seem like someone I would want to be with. As time passed, we spent so much time together that we ended up moving in together. OUr first few months were rocky to say the least. I wasn't sure if being with him was the right thing to do so I initially tried to end it -- I went out with other people on a couple of dates and he spent time with his ex girlfriend. I always distrusted him because of what I had known about him but I grew to love him because he had been there for me and he made me laugh when I thought it wasn't in me any more.

However, we were dishonest with each other about a lot of things. His (alessandros') ex-girlfriends were a constant part of his life, emailing him and calling, and no one knew that we were together as a couple because we thought it would hurt my first boyfriend's family. So our relationship was a secret for a long time -- about a year and a half. We argued a lot in the end and finally, I felt like I couldn't take it any more. When my father died and we hadn't been together long, I lost the only other person I was close to and felt so lonely. While I buried my dad, my boyfriend was emailing his ex-girlfriend to meet up again. It broke my heart.

I never really learned how to mourn my first love -- he was the love of my life and I've compared everyone to him since then. Alessandro, his best friend, and now my ex-boyfriend, is the only person I feel like can understand my pain. But at the same time, he caused me more pain in the end than I deserved.

We broke up in October but have emailed each other since then. He's begged me to take him back and says I'm selfish not to. My heart tells me one thing and logic keeps me from having him back in my life. I'm 28 years old and want so much to have a family of my own. I've lost so many people I love already. I'm dating someone new who's really sweet to me and says he loves me but I don't love him the same way. I just don't know how to be alone and I keep thinking that Alessandr may really have changed. Is it possible for someone to change that much if they love you? I feel like I'm never going to fall in love with anyone the way I loved my boyfriend who died....how do I move on with my life and let someone in when I can't trust anymore??? Alessandro connects me to my past and he knows my dreams for the future...but is he the right person for me?

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My gut reaction is that you need to heal. And, I think that's best done alone unless you have a very secure and nurturing relationship to do it within. 28 is not so old. Give yourself some time. I'm sorry for all the lose you have suffered!

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I'm thinking you should cut the ties with Alessandro. Keep an eye out for a good relationship and if it doesn't happen, go it alone.

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I don't even know where I would begin...I don't think I've ever been alone for very long. It really is one of my worst downfalls. I agree that it's probably something I should learn to do. I just don't want to look back one day and feel full of regret...but maybe I wasn't meant to be with anyone in the end. Sad

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Ohhhhhh! Just take this one day or week at a time. Give yourself a timeframe to mourn your b/f and father. Maybe 6 months alone....? maybe a year? It doesn't have to be forever. You sound like a smart, thoughtful woman - when you're done mourning, there will be options for you to be invovled with a man who is good for you!

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Thank you. I appreciate your advice a lot. Haven't had much of anyone to talk to about all of this. My dad was my greatest resource...now I realize how many decisions I made in my life based on his guidance. I'm sure he would say the same things you did.

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What about your mother?

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My mom is severely depressed and is battling cancer right now. I've been more like her mother since I was little. I don't think I've even cried in front of my mom for a long time. But I listen to her...she didn't make a lot of great decisions in her lifetime...and I don't want to end up feeling the way she does.

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So, is your grandmother (your mom's mom) still alive?

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No, my grandparents have passed away -- except for my dad's mother -- she's 98. I don't think I'd want to last that long.

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I feel for you earth. I lost my grandparents in my 30s. I still have my parents together and relatively healthy in their 60s.

I'm 36, I am single and have been for quite some time. You should know that and understand it's part of the advice I give you. I don't entirely mind being single - I do miss being invovled and hope to find a guy I like enough to settle down with.

While I think that you should take some time to your self to heal, I also think you shouldn't stay caught up in your past love. I don't know how to define the amount of time that distinguishes mourning from wallowing. But, I do know that most people need some time to mourn significant losses.

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I'm 63 <waiting for shudders, as I remember when a woman being 63 was beyond understanding>

<and if I have any news at all to leave should I die tomorrow, it would be that you all should get a clue, you all are me.

I know envisioning being me is near impossible.

But from here, looking back, it is nothing. This idea that older women are antique is a societal conjecture. You'll understand that as you age.

We are all beginners, even the oldest.

And continue to be interesting, even the oldest.

So it goes.

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"How To Survive the Loss of a Love". It's a small book of wonder and you should get your hands on a copy ASAP. As you've said, you never fully mourned your first love and chances are things will never be right for you until you do.

Sometimes we have to take ourselves out of the ballgame and ride the bench for awhile.

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I agree with the others that you need that time to mourn before you can truly move on. You've had 2 major losses in a short time and it will take time for you to heal and time alone for a while is the best way to do that.

You have my deepest sympathies for your losses and I wish you the very best in your future.

(((Hugs)))

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Have to say I didn't feel too well about A's saying you're selfish just because you didn't go back to him. That's NOT selfish!

I do agree A. is probably best left in the past.

If you really don't feel comfy being alone, how about a female roommate?

I lost a sister when I was 17, another sister when I was 30, and I can honestly say time heals all wounds, even those we think can never heal.

Wishing you all the best. And welcome to A2K!

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ossobuco wrote:

I'm 63 <waiting for shudders, as I remember when a woman being 63 was beyond understanding>

<and if I have any news at all to leave should I die tomorrow, it would be that you all should get a clue, you all are me.

I know envisioning being me is near impossible.

But from here, looking back, it is nothing. This idea that older women are antique is a societal conjecture. You'll understand that as you age.

We are all beginners, even the oldest.

And continue to be interesting, even the oldest.

So it goes.

osso....I loved your reflections on life as we age. It's not how old we are, but how we are old that makes the difference. I, for one, always look for posts you make in whatever thread they may be. They always contain great wisdom and common sense. And, so it goes indeed.

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Grief nor the grieving process cannot be measured in time. Just as our physical bodies heal at different rates, so does our emotional selves and for anyone who has ever grieved deeply, the sound of someone elses words to just "snap out of it" are the cruelest anyone can ever utter.

True, there are general rules of thumb about the time it takes to fully grieve the loss of one very close to us emotionally, but that is provided we have allowed ourselves to go through the entire healing process of mending our broken heart.

Your situation is like a double edged sword as it is, simply because, in your initial grief you reached out for comfort in one who would later give you a second cause of grief. It is twice a broken heart that now needs to heal. Actually thrice in the overall picture....

The book the eoe recommended is a wonderful book. I have read that and also another titled "Starting Over" by John Gray. Both were invaluable to me and I have read them several times and also bits and pieces of each at different times when I needed.

Start at the beginning and the beginning is you. Make yourself whole and able again. In doing so you will eventually find a way to allow your heart to truly open up and be ready for a love that you can embrace with confidence and faith.

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You all have given me wonderful advice... I reached out to complete strangers the other night when I joined this forum -- and people whom I will never meet face to face have given me more useful advice than any of the grief counselors I have seen in the past couple of years who just listen and ask me how something made me feel. Maybe it's harder to be honest with one's feelings when you're face to face...

I'm going to look for both books that were recommended to me. Anything to feel better at this point.

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Hang in there Earth. You'd be surprised at how many people can relate to your grief. You found a great bunch of people here who care and will give you comfort.

Welcome to A2K.

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I'm still in love with my past...

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