LAWYERS, LEGAL PROFESSION JOKES

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. A local volunteer calls to solicite his donation, saying "our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through The United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh, no."

"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.

"Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident", the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."

The lawyer then says"...and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?"

A lawyer finds out he has an inoperable brain tumor. It's so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains.

There's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the sum of $800 an ounce.

The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff! How come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?"

The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"

"You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?"

"Absolutely! What's the second question?"

A surgeon, an architect an a lawyer are having a heated barroom discussion concerning which of their professions is actually the oldest profession.

The surgeon says: "Surgery IS the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve and you can't go back further than that."

The architect says: "Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can't go back any further than THAT!"

The lawyer puffs his cigar and says: "Gentlemen, Gentlemen...who do you think created the CHAOS??!!"

A doctor and a lawyer were waiting to see their insurance agent.
"Why are you here?" asked the doctor to the lawyer.
"An apartment building I owned burned down and I'm here to collect on the insurance." said the lawyer. "And what are you here for?"
The doctor answered, "An apartment building I owned was destroyed in a flood and I'm here to collect on the insurance."
"Really?" commented the lawyer. "How do you start a flood?"

Q: A bum, Santa Claus, and an honest lawyer are walking together down the street. Simultaneously, they all see a dollar bill on the ground. Who picks it up?





A: The bum. The other two are fictional characters and clearly figments of the bum's imagination.

It was careers day in Kindergarten and children were encouraged to tell what their parents did for a living.
"My mother is an accountant," said Ellen.
"My daddy runs a grocery store," said David.
Little Billy raised his hand and said, "My mommy is a prostitute!"
Horrified, the teacher rushed little Billy to the Principal's office. The Principal immediately phoned Billy's mother.
"There's a problem with your son Billy," the Principal explained, "He told his class that you work as a prostitute."
"Oh that's alright," said Billy's mother. "I'm really a lawyer, but you can't tell that to an impressionable child."

A plumber dies in a car accident and finds himself in hell. He's not to happy as he was hardworking and honest, but decided to make the most of a bad thing.

He decided to try and improve things and fixed all the leaky pipes, got the air conditioning working and improved the bathrooms.

A short time later God was on the phone to Satan discussing a new intake when God asked Satan how things were and Satan said "Great" and told God about the plumber.

"There must be some mistake" God stormed "he should be one of ours, send him up immediatly or I'll sue."

"Oh yeah" laughed Satan "and where are you going to get a lawyer."

Testimony of a Police Officer


A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer
during a felony trial...

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this
so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer, do you
have a locker room in the police station ... a room where you
change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS
WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your
locker in a room you share with those officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex,
and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk
through that room.

The Pump
A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object.
"I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 25 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover. It's $500,000."
"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"
"Yes, but it's from a laywer. It's never been used."

> > > > > Subject: THREE SURE THINGS IN LIFE
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > > The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather
> > > > > > dignified, well-
> > > > > > dressed
> > > > > > good-looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > "Can I help you?" she asked.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > "I want to see Natalie," the man replied.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies.
> > > > > > Perhaps you
> > > > > > would prefer
> > > > > > someone else," said the madam.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > "No, I must see Natalie" was the man's reply.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that
> > > > > > she
> > > > > > charged $1,000
> > > > > > a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten
> > > > > > one-hundred
> > > > > > dollar bills
> > > > > > and gave them to Natalie! and they went upstairs. After
> > > > > > an hour,
> > > > > > the man
> > > > > > calmly left.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > The next night the same man appeared again, demanding to
> > > > > > see
> > > > > > Natalie.
> > > > > > Natalie explained that no one had ever comeback two
> > > > > > nights in a
> > > > > > row - too
> > > > > > expensive - and there were no discounts. The price was
> > > > > > still
> > > > > > $1,000.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie
> > > > > > and they
> > > > > > went
> > > > > > upstairs. After an hour, he left.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > The following night the man was there again. Everyone was
> > > > > >
> > > > > > astounded that he
> > > > > > had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid
> > > > > > Natalie and
> > > > > > they went
> > > > > > upstairs.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > After their session, Natalie questioned the man.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > "No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are
> > > > > > you
> > > > > > from?" she
> > > > > > asked.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > The man replied, "South Carolina."
> > > > > >
> > > > > > "Really?" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
> > > > > >
> > > > > > "I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your
> > > > > > sister's
> > > > > > attorney.
> > > > > > She HIRED me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
> > > > > >
> > > > > > The moral of the story is:
> > > > > >
> > > > > > Some things in life are certain ...
> > > > > > 1. Death
> > > > > > 2. Taxes
> > > > > > 3. Being screwed by a lawyer

A doctor, a CPA, and a lawyer watched solemnly as the coffin containing a departed friend was lowered into the ground.
"He helped me get through medical school," said the doctor. During the visitation last night, I put $1,000 in his coat pocket as a way of saying thanks."
"I know how you feel. He helped me set up my business," said the CPA. Just before the funeral began this morning, I also put $1,000 in his coat pocket as a way of saying thanks."
"He was one of my best clients," said the lawyer, so just before they closed the coffin, I took the $2,000 out of his coat pocket, wrote him a check for $3,000 as a way of saying thanks, and slipped that in his pocket instead."

A CPA and his friend were taking a train ride through New Zealand. The friend pointed outside- "Look at that herd of sheep outside - they've just been shorn."
The CPA looked out the window, shrugged, and replied, "Well, on THIS side, at least."

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified,

well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she asked.


"I want to see Natalie," the man replied.


"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer
someone else," said the madam.


"No. I must see Natalie," was the man's reply.


Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged
$1,000
a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar
bills, gave them to Natalie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie.

Natalie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too

expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went

upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded

that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and
they

went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man.

"No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

she asked.
The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's

attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:


1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer.

The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that the case be reopened, saying: "I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client's defense."

The judge asked, "What new evidence could you have?"

The lawyer replied, "My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!"

OK, maybe it's an old one, but...



A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.

He explains how the game works"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa."

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer. "Okay, how about this "If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50.

The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"

Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.