AIRLINES, AIRPLANES, PILOTS JOKES

A pilot, after the take off had been flawlessly established, made his announcement to the passengers concerning destination, altitude, etc.
Then he leaned back in a relaxed manner, but forgot to turn off the p.a. system. He then spoke out loud saying: Damn, what I would't give right now for a good cup of coffee and a great piece of tail. Of course, it went out to the complement of passengers, and the cute little flight attendendant was horrified at his mistake. She literaly started running toward the cockpit and as he passed, one little old lady seated near the aisle said in an audible voice:

Hey, dearie. You forgot his coffee

An airline pilot when landing hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." In light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why no Ma'am, what is it?"

"Did we land or were we shot down?"

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

>A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY
> > > >CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION
> > > >AND SITS DOWN.
> > > >
> > > >THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS
> > > >TO SEE HER TICKET.
> > > >
> > > >SHE THEN TELL THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY
> > > >CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
> > > >
> > > >THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO
> > > >HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
> > > >
> > > >THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOE S INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS
> > > >THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO
> > > >SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND
> > > >WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
> > > >
> > > >THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO
> > > >EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY
> > > >SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING
> > > >TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD
> > > >HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST
> > > >THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > & gt;
> > > >THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS.
> > > >I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,
> > > >AND SHE SAYS, "OH,I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES
> > > >BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASK HIM
> > > >WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
> > > >
> > > >"I TOLD HER, FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON."

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
"safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are
some real examples that have been heard or reported:
*****************************
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and
will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
enhance the appearance of
Your flight attendants."
*****************************
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."
*******************************
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways Out
of this airplane"
****************************
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving
us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
*******************************
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight
attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure as hell everything has shifted."
**********************************
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245
to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and,
if you don't know
how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."
***************************
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one
small child, pick your favorite."
*****************************
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
*********************************
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."
***********************
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything
left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."
****************************************
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to
have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately,
none
of them are on this flight!"
********************************************
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you
it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't
the flight attendant's fault. It was the asphalt."
*********************************************
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
Flight Attendant said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats
with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our
airplane
to the gate!"
**********************************************
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing. "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."
**********************************************
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the
Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,
we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to
the terminal."
**********************************************
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll
think of US Airways."
**********************************************
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax...OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and
after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I
was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of
hot coffee in my lap. You should see
the front of my pants!" A passenger in
Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
**********************************************
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish
to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you
can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

I just loved this one! ;-)

A must listen, best with volume.

http://www.beecy.net/frank/