COLLEGE, SCHOOL, EDUCATION JOKES

Three students in France

Three students from Michigan State, the University of Kentucky and Texas A & M on summer vacation in France were caught smuggling cocaine and sentenced to death by guillotine. The judge turned to the boy from Michigan and asked, "Do you have any final words, son?"

"Yeah, drop dead!" snapped the Wolverine.

Hearing this, the judge signaled for the sentence to be carried out. The executioner pulled the lever, and as the crowd gaped in astonishment, the giant blade came to a screeching halt three inches from the victim's throat.

"It's God's will! Let him go!" cried the judge.

Next the fella from U. of Kentucky was put on the block, and the judge asked again, "And what are your final remarks, my boy?"

"Go to hell!" shouted the student, and the judge signaled. The razor-sharp blade fell and miraculously stopped just a quarter inch from the condemned boy's neck. "It's the will of God!" exclaimed the judge. "Set him free!"

Finally the Texan was put into position. "Before you're beheaded," said the judge, "do you have any last words?"

"Yeh!" replied the Aggie. "If y'all will just put a little more grease on them grooves, the blade'll come down a whole lot easier!"

World History by Students

The following is a "history" collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level.

The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. On of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in the Biblical times. Soloman, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, the threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would turture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was canonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In medevil time most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and versus and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interes in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest write of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is only famous because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tried to convince Macbeth to kill the Kind by attack his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal for them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse devided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest president. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Graity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. The the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplary of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.

New Theories


4th RunnerUp

The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation.
Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the
arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall
trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.


3rd RunnerUp

Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because
they have no alphabet. The lack of an alphabet means the
Chinese cannot use acronyms; thus, they cannot communicate
their ideas at a faster rate.


2nd RunnerUp

The 'Why Yawning Is Contagious' Theory: You yawn to equalize
the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside
your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so
they must yawn to even it all out.


1st RunnerUp

If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite
number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun
rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will
eventually produce all the world's great literary works in
Braille.


HONORABLE MENTION:

The quantity of consonants in the English language is
absolutely constant. If consonants are omitted in one
geographic area, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian
"pahks" his "cah", the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a
Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."


THE GRAND PRIZE WINNER:

When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on its feet; and when
toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the buttered side
down. Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to the
back of a cat.

When dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above the
ground, probably into eternity. A "buttered-cat array" could
replace pneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and "giant
buttered-cat arrays" could easily allow a high-speed monorail
to link between New York
with Chicago.

Creative Writing


A university creative writing class was asked to write a
concise essay containing the following elements:

1. Religion
2. Royalty
3. Sex
4. Mystery

The prize-winning essay read:

'My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did
it!"

Rules for Writers


1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.)

6. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)
unnecessary.

9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10. No sentence fragments.

11. Don't use no double negatives.

12. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

THERMODYNAMICS OF HELL

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry midterm. The answer by one student was so profound that the
professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is of
course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus question:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most
of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some
variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they
are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how
many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that
exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are
not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are
more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more
than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth
and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell
to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's
Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to
stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls
are added. This gives two possibilities:

1 - If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.

2 - Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase
of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my
Freshman year, that "...it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep
with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not
succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true,
and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received the only "A" given.

Paulaj, that is a good one! Do you have more?

I have a file filled with jokes. Pick a category.

Ohh, I'm game with any good jokes... I just re-read some of your stuff in the humor forum, very good stuff.

I got a joke but i cannot make sure that it can make everybody laugh:

PE class begins!!!!!!! boys stand on left, Girls stand on right, and the others stand in the middle