JOBS, WORK, & CAREERS JOKES

I'm thinking!

> > > Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant. After a while, we noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it.  However, when the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked,
> > > "Why the spoon?"
> > >
> > > "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen
Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately
3 spoons per table per evening. If our personnel is prepared to deal
with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
> > >
 As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace
it immediately with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I
go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I
was rather impressed. Later I noticed that there was a very thin string
hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me, and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
> > >
> > > "Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that
we can save time in the restroom.
> > >
 "How so?"
> > >
 "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know
what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash our hands, thereby shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
> > >
 > "But, after you get it out, how do you put it back?" I inquired.
> > >
 "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

To: Jesus Ben Joseph

Regarding: 12 Candidates for management positions.


Dear sir,

Thank you for submitting the resumes of the twelve men you have picked for positions in your new organization. All of them have now taken our battery of tests; and we have not only run the results through our computer, but also arranged personal interviews for each of them with our psychologist and vocational aptitude consultant.

It is the staff opinion that most of your nominees are lacking in background, education and vocational aptitude for the type of enterprise you are undertaking. They do not have the team concept. We would recommend that you continue your search for persons of experience in managerial ability and proven capability.

Simon Peter is emotionally unstable and given to fits of temper. Andrew has absolutely no qualities of leadership. The two brothers, James and John, place personal interest above company loyalty. Thomas demonstrates a questioning attitude that would tend to undermine morale. We feel that it is our duty to tell you that Matthew has been blacklisted by the Greater Jerusalem Better Business Bureau. James, the son of Alphaeus, and Thaddeaus definitely have radical leanings, and they both register a high score on the manic depressive scale.

One of the candidates, however, shows great potential. He is a man of ability and resourcefulness, meets people well, has a keen business mind and has contacts in high places. He is highly motivated, ambitious and responsible. We recommend Judas Iscariot as your controller and right-hand man.

Sincerely yours,
Management Consultants Inc.

I once had a highly qualified applicant for the position of Motor Equipment Operator with the State Highway Administration.

When I reviewed his application though, I wasn't sure about hiring him.
One of the questions was: "Have you ever been arrested?"

He had entered "No" in the blank space provided.

Printed on the same line within the form was "Why?"

His answer - "Ain't never been caught."

(not really a JOKE at all, but a (sic) 'painfully' funny story---)


Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable.
No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss
thinks I am lying.

On one
occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway
because the truth was
too
humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had
sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day.
By then, I could think up
a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded
to my wife's wishes to
adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new
acquisition was no
problem, but one morning I was taking my shower
after breakfast when I
heard my wife, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Hun! The garbage
disposal is dead. Come reset it."

"You know where the button is." I protested
through the shower. "Reset
it yourself!"

"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts
going and sucks me in?"
"C'mon, it'll only take a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked,
hoping to make a statement
about how her cowardly behavior was not without
consequence. I crouched
down and stuck my head under the sink to find the
button. It is the
last action I remember performing.

It struck
without warning, without
respect to my circumstances.

Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into
its gnashing metal
teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at
the dangling objects
she spied between my legs.

She had been poised
around the corner and
stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At
precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I
unwittingly offered and
snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost
all rational thought to
control orderly bodily movements, while rising
upwardly at a violent
rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten
hanging from my
masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or
flight" syndrome.
Men, in this predicament, choose only the
"flight" option. Fleeing
straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded
my ascent; the impact
knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood
over me. Having been
fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted
as they tried to conduct
their work while suppressing hysterical laughter.

At the office,
colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of
me. I kept silent,
claiming it
was too painful to talk about.
"What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"

If they had only known

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.
About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.
'You aren't going to catch many fish that way,' said the businessman to the fisherman, 'you should be working rather than lying on the beach!'
The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, 'And what will my reward be?'
'Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!' was the businessman's answer.
'And then what will my reward be?' asked the fisherman, still smiling.
The businessman replied, 'You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!' 'And then what will my reward be?' asked the fisherman again.
The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. 'You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!' he said.
'And then what will my reward be?' repeated the fisherman.
The businessman was getting angry. 'Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!'
Once again the fisherman asked, 'And then what will my reward be?'
The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, 'Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!'
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said...
'And what do you think I'm doing right now ??'

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very
shortskirts and thong panties.

One day a young man comes into the store, glances at the clerk, and
glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing the length of her skirt, or lack thereof, and the location of the
raisin bread on the very top shelf, he politely says to the young woman,
"I'd like some raisin bread, please."

She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man
with an excellent view, just as he surmised she would. When she comes down
the ladder, he says he really should get two loaves as he is having
company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male
customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he orders a loaf of
raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of
another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for
raisin bread just to watch the young woman climb up and down.

After many trips, she is tired, irritated, and thinking she is really going
to have to try the raisin bread herself. Once again she is up the ladder
retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer. She stops and
fumes, glaring at the men below.

She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at
her who hasn't placed an order yet.

Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder, she yells at
the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?"

"No," croaked the old man, "but it's a quiverin'..."

I have no idea if this is true or not.  But, based on  my experiences with
various companies, I could easily conceive of this  happening.

Citibank and Death
This is too funny! It takes all kinds to make the world go round. Be sure
and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is easy to see happening,
customer service being what it

My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for February and March
for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late
fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00...now
it was somewhere around $60.00

I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections"

CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her
to the credit bureau maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

CitiBank:"...excuse me .?"

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being
dead?"

CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!" (Supervisor gets on
the                          phone)

Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply."

Me:"You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

CitiBank: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew."(Lawyer info given...)

CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )

( After they get the fax.)CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death"

Me: "Oh..." CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep
billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."

CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?" CitiBank: "That might help."

Me: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery (### Hwy 129 and plot number given.)

CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?

A farmer got pulled over by an Alabama state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle-flies there, are ya?

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well, yeah, if that'swhat they are -- I never heard of circle- flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle-flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle-flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then, after a minute, the Trooper stops and says, "Hey...wait a second, are you trying
to call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass.

" The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says: "Hard to fool them flies, though."

Prison vs. Work
Just in case you ever got the two mixed up, this should make things a little
bit clearer.

IN PRISON ........... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK ............ you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.......... you get three meals a day
AT WORK .............. you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay
for it.

IN PRISON........... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK ............. you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON.......... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK........... you must carry around a security card and open all the
doors for yourself.

IN PRISON ......... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK ............ you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.......... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK .......... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON........... they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............ you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON.......... all expenses are paid by the taxpayer with no work
required.
AT WORK........... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then
they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON.......... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get
out.
AT WORK ........... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
inside bars.

IN PRISON .......... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK............ they are called managers.

So ........ someone please remind me why we work?

Refusal to Employ
Dear [Interviewer's Name]:

Thank you for your letter of April 17. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Acme Inc.'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,

[Your name here]

clickity-click for... The Boss