COMPUTERS INTERNET WWW JOKES

A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English,
nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" is feminine: "la Maison."
"Pencil," is masculine: "le crayon."

A student asked, "What gender is computer?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups -
male and female - and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer"
should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four
reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine
gender
("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
later review; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your salary on accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine
("le computer") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE
the problem;
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little
longer, you could have gotten a better model.

**************************

Which side do you think won ?

:wink:

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications.

He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).

At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of
undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release.

Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

The features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0 include:

- A "Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with
the option to uninstall at any time without the loss of cache and
other systemresources.
- An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would
allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by
sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.
Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0.
You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long
standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they
would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

Another thing that sucks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually pop-up
little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0

BUG WARNING

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before
uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the
uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming
insufficient resources.

BUG WORK-AROUNDS

To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system
and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also,
beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry
viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.

Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under
an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.

HUSBAND 1.0 There are alot of pressures to upgrade from Boyfriend 6.0
to Husband 1.0. However before doing so make sure you understand the
implications of this change...

For one, system activity will be severely limited and you will be compelled
to instigate rigorous daily routines in space management, garbage disposal and disc cleaning often with an accompanying increase in system
administration. This program can also be a drain on many resources and
demand constant attention. You will encounter an increased amount of
interrupts and error messages, while the program often cancels processes
without warning, very often crashing the system. In addition, Husband
1.0 often refuses to respond to your commands and frequently appears to
be running processes which you have not authorised. If this happens a lot, do not respond to any interactive requests from the program and
severely limit demand for extra bytes.

Every evening there will be a huge surge in demand for megabytes and if
not satisfied, the process will become unresponsive and has been known
on occasion to damage hardware.

Every so often you will be promised a new release of the program, but
unfortunately, upon loading this new release, it is generally found to
be almost identical to the old one, with very few feature changes and
most of the same old annoying bugs which you were undoubtedly promised
would not be there in the new release. Put up with it or discontinue use
entirely. Husband 1.0 is a flawed program; many of the bugs are so
deeply encoded that, even if they can be located, they are impossible to
eradicate and have to be tolerated.

Husband 1.0 will frequently make use of low level language and may not
understand higher level commands so you must be prepared to use basic
functions when required. Often a few robust algorithms in handshaking
mode will produce a good response.

After a while, Husband 1.0 has a tendency to take up more space than
originally allocated, often spreading in size and slowing down
correspondingly. If this happens, be very careful as there is increased
risk of complete system failure. Around this time, Husband 1.0 will also
tend to lose bits from the top of the stack, although these will often
multiply and be found lower down the stack.

Another problem with this program is that Husband 1.0 can also spawn
unknown child processes, which can sometimes inadvertently appear, make huge demands on the program and force unwanted interaction with old versions of Nightstand 1.0.

Sometimes, Husband 1.0 will end a process prematurely, before you have
the required result. This generally results in spawned processes
scattered over your system which must be located and removed. More often than not, however, Husband 1.0 will appear to take an inordinately long time to complete a relatively simple process. While waiting for tedious
processes to complete you may find it useful to distract yourself by
perusing manuals for alternative programs, Stud 2.0 or Lover 6.9.

On completion of a process, Husband 1.0 will often inadvertently apply
the sleep command, or suspend system activity with a Ctrl ZZ. There is
nothing you can do in this case, but leave the program and try again
later.

Ultimately, as the program becomes older, it will become more difficult
to produce hardcopy, and you will find that most of you work ends up on
floppies. In addition, you will be needing software support more often
than you'd like. If and when this happens, try to find a copy of Toyboy
1.1. Make sure you have used Ctrl ZZ on Husband 1.0 before loading
Toyboy 1.1 and, of course, check for viruses before using any new
program. Toyboy 1.1 should come with new hardware which can be plugged into any of your ports.

Maybe this should be in Politics:


The True Origin of the Internet

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.
And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.

Never Marry a software engineer

Husband : Hey dear, I have logged in.
Wife : Would you like to have some snacks?
Husband : Hard disk full.

Wife : Have you bought the Saree.
Husband : Bad command or file name.

Wife : But I told you about it in morning
Husband : Erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.
Wife : Hey Bhagwan !forget it where's your salary.
Husband : File in use, read only, try after some time.
Wife : At least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.
Husband : Sharing violation, access denied.
Wife : I made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband : Data type mismatch.

Wife : You are useless.
Husband : By default.

Wife : Who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband : System unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.
Wife : What is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband : The only user with write permission.
Wife : What is my value in your life?
Husband : Unknown virus detected.

Wife : Do you love me or your computer?
Husband : Too many parameters.

Wife : I will go to my dad's house.
Husband : Program performed illegal operation, it will Close.
Wife : I will leave you forever.
Husband : Close all programs and log out for another User.
Wife : It is worthless talking to you.
Husband : Shut down the computer?

Wife : I am going!
Husband : Its now safe to turn off your computer

Bill Gates is a Right-to-Lifer... anytime a program aborts it's called an illegal operation.

sorry so corny -- it just seems to fit the rest though


Q: How did Bill gates come up with the name for his company?

A: He looked down


and the corn piles up!

LarryBS, the computer joke with WIFE 1.0 and Mistress 1.1 is really funny. Where do you get these jokes?

Today is International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart, Outstanding People Day, so please send this message to someone you think fits this
description. Please do not send it back to me as I have already received
it over fifty thousand times and my inbox is jammed full!

Japanese Error Messages
Here are 12 actual error messages seen on the computer screens in Japan,
where some are written in Haiku. Aren't these better than "your computer
has performed an illegal operation"?

1. The Web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist.
--------------------------------------------
2. Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.
-----------------------------------------------
3. Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too
much.
------------------------------------------------
4. Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your
screams.
-------------------------------------------------
5. Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.
-------------------------------------------------
6. Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone.
-------------------------------------------------
7. Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is
down.
-------------------------------------------------
8. A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.
-------------------------------------------------
9. Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has
occurred?
-------------------------------------------------
10. You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not
here.
-------------------------------------------------
11. Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, but we never will.
-------------------------------------------------
12. Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

How many group posters does it take to change a light bulb?
How many group posters does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been
changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light
bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another

6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is
"lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light
bulb" is perfectly correct

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in
violation of their "acceptable use policy"

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take
this discussion to a lightbulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and
lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to
buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to
this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they
cannot handle the light bulb controversy

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions
about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and
start it all over again

Call to Tech Support...

i wish my desktop did this once in a while...
Icon Story