new extended family... how do i make the marrige work?

Hi mommy2more.

Welcome!

You're involved in a rather common scenario.

First, you need to handle your own kids! You don't make any progress by yelling -- you're simply setting an example for your boys to follow and then you have a house where everyone is yelling. It's easy to say "boys will be boys," but we shouldn't condone or excuse fighting or rough play among siblings.

Have you ever watched the television program, SuperNanny? If not, you ought to watch a few episodes and take notes. SuperNanny provides parents with great techniques on how to regain control of their children.

Use a stern voice and let your boys know their fighting/rough behavior is NOT acceptable and if they continue to engage in unacceptable behavior, there will be consequences. Establish the punishment for unacceptable behavior (such as sitting 10 minutes alone in a room without television or other forms of entertainment so they can think about their behavior -- and don't let them off punishment until they know why they were punished and they apologize). Consistently enforce the consequences for unacceptable behavior. This is a heck of a lot more effective than yelling.

I don't think this is simply a case wherein your husband's daughter is being manipulative. A ten year old girl should not be tormented by two rough, teasing boys when she visits your home.

Control your boys . . . that's a start. Treat his kids with respect. And please don't fight with your husband over the kids! Resolve the problems, and please quit yelling! LOL

Best wishes.

Joining forces!!
Debra, thanks for the advice. You are right, up until I remarried and my husbands daughter came to visit, my boys didn't fight and there was no yelling. After reading your post I realize you have a point, I do have guidelines that the boys have followed since they were old enough to be put on time outs. I guess I just thought that they were getting to old for "time out" but if we change it from time out to say "reflection time" then they will feel like they are being treated as responsible young men.

As for my step-daughter, there is a lot more going on in her little life I just don't know where to begin.

My husband and I have to be careful when talking to her. From what she and my husband tell me her mom doesn't belive in structure or any type of punishment. It's my understanding from his family and friends that his ex didn't allow him to discipline the girls and they use to fight a lot because of it. I on the other hand had to raise my boys on my own for 6 years and we've always had rules. I would cook, and the boys would set and clear the table. We'd work together on dishes and laundry, that is until the oldest turned 11. Now they set, clear and wash dishes on their own.

We have tried to include her in little things as setting the table or feeding the dogs... She says that her mom doesn't make her do any work at home and always has a story about all the places they went to.

My husband has been divorce for 3 years, we got married 1 year after his divorce. He says he feels like we should be doing fun stuff with the kids when she comes over... I told him it takes time for kids to adjust to the divorce but it also takes time for the parents to get over the guilt of the divorce. That's why it took me so long to date again...

I tell her what I tell my boys... If I don't show you how to clean, cook or do laundry then who will? Those things don't just get done all on their own and when you are old enough to move out you'll have the skills to take care of yourself.

I love my husband and I know we will work things out, I would just like to have a good relationship with the girls. I don't hold my breath, I just have to wait until they are old enough to make their own decisions and see that I am not a bad person.

Thanks again!