He doesn't want children, please read......

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have been with my boyfriend for a little over 2 years, he is 33, I am 27. One night while discussing a career change, he suggested I become a teacher, I replied with "no, I couldn't I don't like kids". To which he replied " thank god, because I don't want any and I thought you did" I said it lightly, just meaning I couldn't be a teacher, not that I don't like or want children. Up until this point, he had never mentioned the idea of not wanted children. We plan to get married within the next 2 years and had discussed children in the past, him mentioning that he couldn't wait to take our kids on trips, fishing, etc... Whenever my younger cousins are around or friends babies, he ooohs and ahhh's saying how cute they are, asking to hold them and saying we are practicing. You can understand why this came as such a shock to me. This happened a few months ago and I am at a loss. He has thought this through and said his reasons are as follows: 1. he is too old and if he hasn't had them already, doesn't see a reason. 2. He doesnt' want the responsibility that comes with a child 3. He would like to retire in 15 years and not worry about uprooting a teenager when he moves to florida. Now, I should mention that he is a YOUNG 33, not mature for his age by any means (when are they??) He works for the FDNY and has a job that only requires 2 days of work per week and retirement in 20 years, guaranteed. He thinks he has it all planned out and wants to enjoy a life of travel and fun... which is fantastic and i'm sure, what anyone would want. but it grows old quickly and after a few years, I know my maternal instinct will kick in and I would like to avoid filing for divorce. Having said this, I have made it clear that I will not marry him unless we can agree on one child (I do not want more). In response, he has made it clear that while his mind could change, he doesn't see it happening. He has agreed to see a counselor but made sure I knew that "they weren't going to change his mind" He comes from a loving italian family but has mentioned that his father was never around while he grew up. I'm not sure if there is more to the story but it seems awfully out of the blue since he used to talk about our children openly. This has become a constant strain on our relationship, mainly because I have already started to resent him and question his feelings for me, I nag him and basically question all motives. I know this is not the way to handle the situation, but I cannot help myself. it is so frustrating for me to understand how he could not want to have a child with me, but instead spend the rest of our lives together, with no meaning. He says that just like I expect him to change his mind, he expects me to do the same, and that makes me no better than him, and I hate to admit it, but that is true. Just like it is my wish to have a child, it is also his wish to make for himself. However, it just seems to me that having a family is what life is about! and I don't want to miss out on something so amazing. I should mention that I have endometriosis (scar tissue and lesions outside of uterus) quite severely, so that I may not even be able to conceive. However, since I have never tried and am currently on the pill (treating the endometriosis so far), I have no confirmation one way or the other. His solution was to have fertility testing and if tests confirmed I was not able to have children, then our problem was solved. I am smarter than to subject myself to unecessary testing when I am not prepared to know the answer. I also do not think that it will solve our problem, because I will always wonder what would have happened if the tests were opposite- would I be settling for a relationship with him for only that reason?? Any advice would be greatly appreciated, I am not sure if I should go to counseling, if it will be worth the effort since he is so adamant in his opinion. I would be lost without him and cannot imagine my life if I had to leave. The thought of having a child does not sound appealing to me at this point in my life, but I am certain I am just not ready and will want one in the future once our lives have become stable... Thank you in advance for your replies.

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Hello jenlost, and welcome to a2k.
I have copied your posting and put some paragrahs into it,
as it is much better to read that way.

Quote:

have been with my boyfriend for a little over 2 years, he is 33, I am 27. One night while discussing a career change, he suggested I become a teacher, I replied with "no, I couldn't I don't like kids". To which he replied " thank god, because I don't want any and I thought you did" I said it lightly, just meaning I couldn't be a teacher, not that I don't like or want children.

Up until this point, he had never mentioned the idea of not wanted children. We plan to get married within the next 2 years and had discussed children in the past, him mentioning that he couldn't wait to take our kids on trips, fishing, etc... Whenever my younger cousins are around or friends babies, he ooohs and ahhh's saying how cute they are, asking to hold them and saying we are practicing.

You can understand why this came as such a shock to me. This happened a few months ago and I am at a loss. He has thought this through and said his reasons are as follows:
1. he is too old and if he hasn't had them already, doesn't see a reason.
2. He doesnt' want the responsibility that comes with a child 3. He would like to retire in 15 years and not worry about uprooting a teenager when he moves to florida.

Now, I should mention that he is a YOUNG 33, not mature for his age by any means (when are they??) He works for the FDNY and has a job that only requires 2 days of work per week and retirement in 20 years, guaranteed. He thinks he has it all planned out and wants to enjoy a life of travel and fun... which is fantastic and i'm sure, what anyone would want. but it grows old quickly and after a few years, I know my maternal instinct will kick in and I would like to avoid filing for divorce.

Having said this, I have made it clear that I will not marry him unless we can agree on one child (I do not want more). In response, he has made it clear that while his mind could change, he doesn't see it happening. He has agreed to see a counselor but made sure I knew that "they weren't going to change his mind" He comes from a loving italian family but has mentioned that his father was never around while he grew up.

I'm not sure if there is more to the story but it seems awfully out of the blue since he used to talk about our children openly. This has become a constant strain on our relationship, mainly because I have already started to resent him and question his feelings for me, I nag him and basically question all motives.

I know this is not the way to handle the situation, but I cannot help myself. it is so frustrating for me to understand how he could not want to have a child with me, but instead spend the rest of our lives together, with no meaning. He says that just like I expect him to change his mind, he expects me to do the same, and that makes me no better than him, and I hate to admit it, but that is true. Just like it is my wish to have a child, it is also his wish to make for himself.

However, it just seems to me that having a family is what life is about! and I don't want to miss out on something so amazing. I should mention that I have endometriosis (scar tissue and lesions outside of uterus) quite severely, so that I may not even be able to conceive. However, since I have never tried and am currently on the pill (treating the endometriosis so far), I have no confirmation one way or the other. His solution was to have fertility testing and if tests confirmed I was not able to have children, then our problem was solved.

I am smarter than to subject myself to unecessary testing when I am not prepared to know the answer. I also do not think that it will solve our problem, because I will always wonder what would have happened if the tests were opposite- would I be settling for a relationship with him for only that reason?? Any advice would be greatly appreciated, I am not sure if I should go to counseling, if it will be worth the effort since he is so adamant in his opinion.

I would be lost without him and cannot imagine my life if I had to leave. The thought of having a child does not sound appealing to me at this point in my life, but I am certain I am just not ready and will want one in the future once our lives have become stable... Thank you in advance for your replies.

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Hello again Wink

Thank God you're talking about this issue before getting
married, as I think these are crucial points of discussion.
However, if your fiance is not willing to have children
in his life than you need to respect his wishes and either
agree with his decision and not have children, or look
for someone who is willing to share your thoughts about
children.

Many moons ago, I had a friend Anne whose husband was also against children of his own. Initially Anne agreed,
their marriage was pure bliss, but 6 years down the road
she wanted to have a child and became pregnant despite
his wishes.

Anne's husband felt so betrayed that he left her and they
divorced a couple of years after that. He never cared for
the child (a girl) and rarely visited her. Mother and daughter were miserable for a long time. Eventually she remarried
but the daughter was always looking for the approval of
her biological father. It never came!

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You made it clear to him that you would NOT marry him if he did not agree to have ONE child.

He will not agree.

You either have to abide by his wishes or break off your engagement.

You're only 27 and you're in love. But, if you marry him, you will resent him for forcing you to choose between him or a child. Your love for him will begin to fade and the resentment will grow. I can guarantee you that five or ten years down the road when you're yearning for a child, that resentment is going to tear you apart.

I have one child. I love my child dearly. I would never have married a man who would have prevented me from having my child.

The choice is yours . . . choose wisely.

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Well...both Calamity and Debra told you more or less everything you should know.
There is no right and wrong in that situation - he is not bad or wrong for not wanting kids, you are not wrong for wanting them.
So, major problem is that, with such a huge difference in wishes, you two are deeply in love.

I don't know. Maybe counselling and deep and long conversation between two of you can find some solution. Maybe not.
Debra is, however, right, if you truly want children and can't imagine your life without having at least one child...then sooner or later you will be in situation where your love will begin to fade...

I guess you should just tell him honestly, not in argument, but in warm conversation - that you deeply love him, but that you want to have a child and no matter how sad you will be, you will have to leave him if he is not that man that is ready to have a child with you.

And, please, forget that part "I would be lost without him and cannot imagine life without him". Maybe you cannot imagine life without him, but you certainly can live without him. People are much tougher then they usually think, and, also, time does heal all wounds. You just have to go step by step.

Of course, unless you can be sure in your heart that he is more important to you then your wish to have a child. But, I doubt that it's the case.

Good luck Wink

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I have to agree with the others and there's nothing more I can add, except to wish you both the very best.

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Having or not having kids is THE biggest question that a couple must decide BEFORE they marry. No matter how much you love him, if you are in disagreement on this issue, it will eventually cause deep resentment on your part, if you don't have a child. If you do have a child that he really does not want, the three of you are bound for a life of frustration and misery.

Having a child is not the same as buying a new house, or having a pet. The child, for around two decades, becomes the focus of the couple's life. The day to day life of a childless couple is quite different from the life of two people with a child. Many of the decisions of how the couple leads their lives, is contingent on whether there is a child involved.

This is not an issue that can be solved by compromise. Either you both want children, or you don't. If there is any disagreement, I would suggest that you part company, and look for someone who wants a family.

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Ditto with all above, but one more bit of information. I would not even bother with the test of whether you can become pregnant or not. Since you both really wanted children there is always the alternative of adopting.

If you really want a child and he does not, unfortunately I see no alternative than not getting married. This is a huge issue as you can not have half a child so as Phoenix said there is no compromise. Before my husband and I got married not only did we discuss whether we wanted children or not, but how many, and the timing of when we wanted children. Also at 27 you are still plenty young enough to get through this if you decide not to marry him and to find a better suited partner for you. I did not get married until my mid-thiries and now how two young beautiful daughters.

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If he doesn't want them, he doesn't want them. People too often have kids because the spouse wants them and that is just not right. True, you will love your children but you will probably end up resenting your spouse.

Good luck with this.

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One thing to prepare for is the possibility that if you go ahead and say that having a child is too important to you, that you need to break it off, that faced with losing you he might finally capitulate. He might, he might not, but I can see how that would seem to be the happy ending if he does -- you stay with him, you get to have a kid too.

That would be really risky IMO. It's plenty tough to have and raise a kid, and both partners really need to want it to happen. I can imagine way too many bad scenarios if you guys did have a kid, knowing how he thinks.

Good luck.

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Children can enhance a GOOD marriage. Is this guy the ONE? Is he, if so, he has put his heart out there for you and been very mature in his reasoning. But he has told you the truth UP FRONT.
Do NOT expect him to change his mind later.

My husband did not want children either. We married late (he's divorced and I was widowed). He has been the perfect husband, I personally would not want children OUT OF MARRIAGE, so knowing he WAS the one, I married him anyway. Do I regret not having children, only at Christmas and 1-2 every 2-3 years. He was what mattered.

Marriage is a wonderful thing, but it is not easy. The romance wears off and you have to get down to everyday living.

Do I resent him, no. He was honest w/me up front as well. Sometimes I get a little sad about it. Once I was late and thought I might be preg. He said we would deal w/it, but he hoped not. He was relieved when I was not. Children grow up and leave, it is your mate you are left with. DECIDE HOW IMPORTANT IS IT and stick to it. Only YOU CAN know. Have the tests--in your case it may be a moot point.

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I thought Linkat made a great point about whether it was moot or not -- if someone really wants a kid (as Jen seems to), there are options like adoption.

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I think for me personally, I was caught up in the IDEA of having a child for years. Then I married a man who had a two year old from a previous marriage that he had custody of. The reality of it showed me it was not the Romantic notion I had thought.

I loved this little girl, but when my husband died and she grew older, (We had two foster sons as well) and they left, We grew apart. TO MY SURPRISE--I did not miss them the way I thought I would. They were average kids, standard stuff, nothing major. I still have affection for them all and keep in touch with 2 of the 3 (though that declines as years pass).

For me-I just did not NEED the whole being a Mother thing to be a complete person. I'm just suggesting she LOOK at whether or not HER LOVE for this man is greater than the desire to have a "baby". IF not she should walk away and not look back immediately. But This deserves CAREFUL consideration.

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Oh for sure.

It sounds like she's thought about it a lot, though.

I've always known I wanted to have a kid, and can see how that might have been a deal-breaker with the guy I'm married to now. (We have one daughter, and I can't quite imagine life without her.)

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Kids are a huge decision and if he does not want them, you can nag him all you want but it won't change it. You can't force children on anyone.

I also don't understand why you would say your relationship has no meaning w/o kids. That makes no sense to me.

My husband and I are going on 10 years together, 5 married, and our relationship mean so much to us and we have no children, nor do we want them.

We always thought we'd have them, but as time went on neither of us wanted it. We are 33 now and couldn't be happier.

If being a mother is something you definately want, you may want to move on from this relationship because down the road it'll just cause major issues.

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thank you to everyone for all of your replies.

Kimber, I am glad you said what you did, because I have been asking myself why everyone HAS to have children. I am not certaint that I do want them, but I also would like to know that it is an option if I ever wanted to try.

What I am trying to avoid though, is changing my decision just to stay with him. I feel like my thoughts and wishes are getting lost in the stress of the current situation. Sometimes I think I want children only because he does not... strange I know, but I can't help how I feel.

I suppose I have always figured I would have children just because that is what everyone does... i know several couples that do not, nor wish to, have children. I just wish I did not have to make the decision now, as I am only 27 and feel like the decision I made will decide the rest of my life......

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You're making a whole lot of sense, you seem to be approaching this in a really thoughtful, rational way. This especially struck me:

jenlost wrote:

What I am trying to avoid though, is changing my decision just to stay with him.

Right. Good for you.

For sure, not everyone has to have children. If you already knew that you didn't then I'd say great, go for it, you're made for each other.

The only thing is whether you want to have kids or not. That's a big regret to have, if you do.

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sozobe,

Being 27, which i know is still young, I do find the thought of having a child around for 18-20 years non-stop very scary... I usually adapt to any situation that I am presented with however, motherhood may not be for me.

yes, it is a huge regret to have so I think I am going to follow through with the counseling and sort of take things from there... who knows, I may, or even he may, discover something that changes how we feel. - and not just about children but our relationship, life etc...

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Jenlost, so glad to hear you're on track here, really thinking about what YOU want and how that's affected by what he wants.

I must protest that life is not AT ALL meaningless without children! I'm 43, childless, and I feel certain I enjoy my life a lot more than I would if I'd had children.... but of course that is just me.

So many people have children because "well, that's just what you do...." Don't get on that boat just because everyone else is!

So many people believe that having children will make you feel "fulfilled".... I think it's our responsibility to question these sorts of assumptions as Thinking Women. Personally I've known a great many more unfulfilled mothers than fulfilled ones. And having a child, remember, is not just "having a baby": it's having 9-year old, and a teenager, and (hopefully, eventually) an adult.

It's worth thinking about this question long and hard, as other posters have said. It sounds like you're really doing that. Cheers to you! Oh, and Welcome to A2K!

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He doesn't want children, please read......

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