Thu 27 Feb, 2003 02:35 am
Jokes about celebrities of all stripes, particularly those in the TV and movie industries.
Imagine you lived a remote life but had satellite television and were able to see movies all of the time. How misguided would your life be? Below are a few of the things that you would have learned.
1. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while SCUBA diving.
5. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
6. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
9. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
10.It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
11. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
12. When they are alone, all non-native English speakers prefer to speak English to each other.
13. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
14. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
I tell this story with a certain amount of trepidation
I heard this story on the radio the other day and it was so stupid that I felt I shouldn't be the only one to suffer. Hence, I shall share it with the unfortunate members of A2K...
Steven Spielberg was making a movie about the lives and times of famous composers. He was in the casting process and had Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwrzenegger in for an interview.
Stallone was quite excited about the film and asked, "Can I play the part of Mozart? I've always wanted to play Mozart."
Spielberg reluctantly agreed. He then asked Arnold if he had a particular character in mind.
Arnold fixed him with a steely gaze and said, "I'll be Bach."
Wow gustav, that was so stupid that it was funny. I wish people would post more!
I'll be here all of the week.
A joke by Hal Roach, long time standup comedian in Dublin.
About seven years ago I went on holiday to Brighton. I had some wingtip shoes and thought it was a good time to have them resoled. I took them to a shoe repair shop. Of course, I forgot them. This past week I, once again, went on holiday to Brighton and was curious as to whether he still had my shoes. I explained what happened. He said 'Excuse me" and went into the back room. He was gone about fifteen minutes and finally came out and said, "They'll be ready Friday.
Another one by Hal Roach.
A police officer pulled me over and said "Did you know your wife fell out of your car about a mile back?"
"Thank God, officer! i thought I'd gone deaf."
I know this is terrible, but it had me rolling... and he IS a celebrity...
Why does Michael Jackson purposefully lose in races?
He likes to come in a little behind...
Jean-Claude Van Damme enters some darkly second class bar.
"Who's that?" asks the barkeeper.
"Jean-Claude Van Damme!"
"Let the last one please close the door."
What killed the dinosaurs?
"I watched Forrest Gump and The Sixth Sense last night on TV. Now I see dumb people."
You guys are awful. Here's another bad joke to throw in the mix:
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?