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Mon 28 Feb, 2005 06:09 pm
So here's my trouble: I me this guy after he had just got his heart stomped on by his fiancee... so we become friends and hang out and talk all the time... so of course I start to have feelings for him! But I know that he's so hurt he can't even fathom the idea of dating yet. So I hang on and we become better friends and I torture myself everyday because I just want to be with him all the time. So finally I tell him (in an email... I'm weak I know) but he replies that he's not ready and doesn't see us that way. So I'm crushed but at the same time releved.. so life goes on. BUT! he starts acting more like a boyfriend then a friend... it was crazy!! And I wasn't the one to notice, by the way, everyone was asking me constantly about us. I guess he would always talk about me at work... it was pretty crazy. So we go on, I date someone over the summer, he goes on a date (at which I freak out because it really occurs to me that I might lose him) and then nothing comes of either... and we're back to square one where he treats me like his girlfriend without the sex!! So this has gone on for a VERY long time... and I just cannot seem to get over him. I've dated guys and I'm not opposed to the option of having a relationship with someone else... but there's this part of me that absolutely loves him and cannot picture my life without him... even if it is just as friends. I don't want him to get a girlfriend because well girls are crazy and she'll hate me and our friendship will definately change.. I know I'm being selfish but I don't want to share him!!!! Part of me wonders if he thinks that after he said he didn't see us that way... that I was just like "ok"... aaaggghhh!! It's so frustrating!! Everytime he tells me he went to the bar... I'm always wondering if he met someone. It's really not good for my sanity!!
Someone please help me out!!!!
Okay, I think the majority of people have been in a similar situation before. The only way to handle this is to date OTHER people. You can't remain being friends with this guy unless you open yourself to seeing other people. If he told you he doesn't see your friendship turning into anything more, than realize that it's his loss! Easier said than done. I know.
One word: rebound.
Chances are, that's all this will be for him. I would date other people. Don't sit around waiting. Let some other girl be the rebound and then you can try and move in on him.
You're stuck in an emotional quagmire, because that's where you CHOOSE to dwell. The idea of having a relationship with this man is romantic. You focus on your feelings for him to the exclusion of all others (because he's the one you can't have). Your feelings are intensified because this is a case of unrequited love.
You are choosing to live your life as the long-suffering heroine of a romance novel . . . and hoping when you turn that final page . . . the object of your desire will rush into your arms, profess his love for you, and chastise himself for not figuring it out sooner.
So long as you choose to LIVE in fantasy land, you won't have a LIFE. You need to stop carrying that torch. You need to stop mooning over someone you can't have. You need to distance yourself from this man and start living a real life, girl.
Best wishes!
I agree with Debra.
If you want to go on with your life, you have to distance
yourself. Don't see him for a period of time until your
feelings are sorted out.
He's on the rebound and needs emotional support of
which he's getting from you. He has never considered
your feelings in this equation, especially knowing how
you feel about him. Quite a selfish act of him, I'd say.
Maybe you want to check in with his fiance and find out
the reason why she dumped him. Chances are, she'll tell you that he's inconsiderate and egotistical.
Perhaps not what you want to hear, but I agree wholeheartedly with what has already been said here. He has made it clear he does not want a relationship with you other than a friendship and for you to keep holding on, hoping that he eventually will, can only lead to more heartache for you.
Yeah, but....
Ok... I know what you guys are saying and I honestly think the same!!! but we have grown to be such good friends that if I started to distance myself or something to that effect... he would just get concerned that something was wrong and well it just wouldn't work. Just think if someone you were close to just up and started not talking to you one day!??! And I really think he thinks I see us as only friends now. I'm really mad at myself for getting into this situation but he's honestly the greatest person I have ever met in so many ways... I look forward to talking to him everyday, he makes me laugh, he's there when I'm down and need a friend... he's just great and I don't want anything to change.
Sometimes I wish I could just go away.... but I know I'd get lonely and call him!!! I'm helpless!
That's the trouble with friendships, isn't it?
Hi introublewithCK:
You're driving yourself insane over the situation and you asked for our help.
Now you say you don't want anything to change.
No one here can help you because you weren't serious when you asked for help and you're not willing to do anything to help yourself.
It's your choice to fill your endless days with the insane fantasy, unrequited love, romance novel, suffering heroine, never get the guy life.
I agree with the others as well. This will only continue to torture you daily.
Not only that...
But I was in similar situation and actually my wishes become true. And it sucked. You should consider that option very seriously as well.
For years, especially during war years (between my 16 and 20) we were best friends. Everybody thought we are dating but we weren't. But we were always together - going to cinema together, going out together, spending endless time at her or at my place...but we really were just friends - we even ocassionaly dated other people, she had boyfriends, I had girlfriends...and I had no feelings other then deep and "bigger then life" friendship kind of love towards her.
Then I went to college. My town was still on first war line, and I was a bit...let's say I wanted just to be alone while on college - my only friends were people from other "war-towns" as well. And I stayed in deep contact with her. Long letters, long phone conversations...and then those letters started to look almost like love letters...
And I fell in love with her. Or I thought so.
So, when I came to my town that summer, I told her that. She was surprised, almost shocked. But, after few days, she said "Honestly, I am confused...I don't know what to do...but I really can't imagine losing you, so let's try".
And we tried.
Despite the fact that at that period I felt that I was deeply in love with her, kissing her was like kissing sister. Although we were both sexually active before, in those days it didn't even cross my mind to have sex with her. It was just like I am dating my sister.
So, we broke up, naturally.
But, problem is, it was never the same.
So, try not to do same mistake.
Ok... what I meant was that I don't want things to change in terms of our friendship. I just want to get over him, and I know that dating other guys will help which I really want to do but I just keep meeting crazies who want me to be their "African Queen", which make him appear even better!!! It's been months and I still get that "heart skips a beat" feeling whenever I see him!!! Aaaggghhh!! I do want help, I just thought people might have something to add that I haven't tried already.
The whole friendship thing is insane!! And I agree, I don't want to lose him! I'd rather have him as a friend for life than to date, have it end badly and never see him again. That's my biggest fear... losing him.
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