committed or not committed?

Consider Robert Browning: My Last Duchess

That's my last Duchess painted on the wall,
Looking as if she were alive. I call
That piece a wonder, now: Frà Pandolf's hands
Worked busily a day, and there she stands.
Will't please you sit and look at her? I said
"Frà Pandolf" by design, for never read
Strangers like you that pictured countenance,
The depth and passion of its earnest glance,
But to myselfthey turned (since none puts by
The curtain I have drawn for you, but I) 10
And seemed as they would ask me, if they durst,
How such a glance came there; so, not the first
Are you to turn and ask thus. Sir, 'twas not
Her husband's presence only, called that spot
Of joy into the Duchess' cheek: perhaps
Frà Pandolf chanced to say "Her mantle laps
Over my Lady's wrist too much," or "Paint
Must never hope to reproduce the faint
Half-flush that dies along her throat": such stuff
Was courtesy, she thought, and cause enough 20
For calling up that spot of joy. She had
A heart -- how shall I say? -- too soon made glad,
Too easily impressed; she liked whate'er
She looked on, and her looks went everywhere.
Sir, 'twas all one! My favour at her breast,
The dropping of the daylight in the West,
The bough of cherries some officious fool
Broke in the orchard for her, the white mule
She rode with round the terrace -- all and each
Would draw from her alike the approving speech, 30
Or blush, at least. She thanked men, -- good! but thanked
Somehow -- I know not how -- as if she ranked
My gift of a nine-hundred-years-old name
With anybody's gift. Who'd stoop to blame
This sort of trifling? Even had you skill
In speech -- (which I have not) -- to make your will
Quite clear to such an one, and say, "Just this
Or that in you disgusts me; here you miss,
Or there exceed the mark" -- and if she let
Herself be lessoned so, nor plainly set 40
Her wits to yours, forsooth, and made excuse,
--E'en then would be some stooping, and I choose
Never to stoop. Oh sir, she smiled, no doubt,
Whene'er I passed her; but who passed without
Much the same smile? This grew; I gave commands;
Then all smiles stopped together. There she stands
As if alive. Will't please you rise? We'll meet
The company below, then. I repeat,
The Count your master's known munificence
Is ample warrant that no just pretence 50
Of mine for dowry will be disallowed;
Though his fair daughter's self, as I avowed
At starting, is my object. Nay, we'll go
Together down, sir. Notice Neptune, though,
Taming a sea-horse, thought a rarity,
Which Claus of Innsbruck cast in bronze for me!

You and your lady love need to do some serious talking.

I'd talk to her about your feelings...and personally I don't think most people would be overjoyed with this sort of behavior.

I don't think she'll change by herself, and she may not change to keep your relationship, but she has a right to know she's hurting you with her actions. She can only "fix it" if she knows about it.

So a discussion like, "When you do this, I feel like this..." may be a good start.

Best of luck to you, and welcome to A2K!

I think this sounds like she has too many friends. A person only has so much time to give to people. I knew a girl like yours who would be all stressed out all the time cause she always tried to give equal attention to all of her best friends. The problems was she had like 10 of them and a boyfriend. She was afraid that if she didn't give her friends the same attention on a constant basis they would think she was a sellout or stuck up.

I almost never go anywhere without telling my man where I'm going -- but, we've been in a committed relationship for several years and we live together. It's a common courtesy to tell your loved one where you're going so they don't come home to an empty house and sit there and wonder and worry all night because you're missing.

But . . . your situation is different. You have a young, boyfriend and girlfriend dating relationship. Your girlfriend doesn't feel the need to include you in her plans or to even tell you about her plans with other people. Clearly, the level of commitment is LOW to nonexistent.

She enjoys spending time with you; but you're not the center of her universe. She enjoys spending time with lots of people.

Some people are social butterflies. They need a lot of people in their lives to feel complete as a human being. Your girlfriend may be a social butterfly. She may be too young and too involved in having the "time of her life" to give you the level of commitment that you desire.

For most people, as they grow older, priorities change. Your girlfriend simply isn't ready, at this point in her life, to make you her number 1 priority. She might tell you that she's committed to you, but her actions speak louder than her words. Based on her actions, her commitment level to you is only a notch above no commitment at all.

If she isn't giving you the level of commitment that you need to be happy in the relationship, then you have a choice to make. You can't change her. That option is out of the question. You can tell her how you feel, but you can't cage a free spirit. You can choose to accept her the way she is and stay in the relationship (knowing that you're not her number 1 priority) or you can move on with your life.

thank you for all your replies. im a little more clear headed now that ive heard a few opinions.

Noddy24 and BorisKitten, you guys are right im going to plan a serious talk about how i feel. and i wont do it in a way were i make it sound like i want to change her.

Debra_Law: in some ways she is a free spirit. too young to be committed to anyone. she is turning 23 and loves to go dancing, however on the other hand she graduated magna cum laude and is serious about her career and relationship. its too bad that you're not around to see it in person because a lot of her time IS dedicated to our relationship. i could give examples to show how committed she can be... when she doesnt think of her close friends. yes i agree its a young relationship and im not thinking of marriage, at least not within the next few years. its just ive never been in a relationship where the girl can be one thing and total change whenever she is with certain friends.

a good example of her is Tenoch's example. in fact she has indirectly told me that she is exactly what Tenoch explained. to tell you the truth i think she was traumatized a few times in a row. here is why: in high school she only hung around her close friends (mostly guys) and one of them happen to be her "long time love, will never forget him, he will always have a spot in my heart," now ex-boyfriend. since they were all a year older she was depressed and alone in her senior year because they had already graduated. when college came she was traumatized again and now had to leave her friends AND family. then after college it hit her again when she moved back home when she left her close college friends. till this day she talks about those situations all the time. see now the bad thing is i was never a part of any of that. i happened to met her through a martial arts class, something not relating to her traumatized situations.

i guess ill have a serious talk about my feelings but i dont know if that'll help her trauma. thats why im afraid. im afraid she'll now be confused. not only she'll have to please her friends but now she has to worry about my feelings. ill talk it through with her, but like you guys said i wont try to change her.

i think this now leads into something else. what do i do with her "long time love, will never forget him, he will always have a spot in my heart," now ex-boyfriend??????????? is it healthy to have a girlfriend who is committed to you but will always love her ex-boyfriend???

It all depends . . .

I still LOVE my ex-husband and he will always have a spot in my heart. BUT, there is NO WAY in heck that I would ever go back to him. That door is CLOSED. Well, SLAMMED SHUT and LOCKED. The key has been thrown away.

It's okay to still love people you had past relationships with . . . but, hopefully your girlfriend shut that relationship door for good.

Debra has it right, nokujin. You can't do a darned thing about any past relationship of your SO's, period. It's up to them to let you know It's Over, or It's Not Over.

Pretty much everyone has loved before, and it's certainly not a fault in a person.... in fact it's a good sign, that they know how to love. But if she goes on & on about how great he was, how much she misses him now, whatever, the red flag should go up.

A big ole' sit-down is in order here. Let her know these things are important to you by scheduling your talk in advance. It's OK to ask her how she feels... about your relationship, her ex, her friends, everything, as long as you don't just keep asking without listening to the answers. And from your posts, I doubt you'll be doing that!

Best of luck in everything!