A cry for help

Reply Sun 3 Jun, 2018 02:25 pm
I have been lost for years. It mostly started when I went out with this one boy. I thought things we great until I realized how abusive he was, verbally, not physically. We broke up three years ago but we still talk to each other.
Although here is the thing, he doesn't like it when I talk to other guys, girls even. I talked to this one other guy, his name is Austin. Then, my ex-got mad because we were talking. And then Austin blocked me. Austin's girlfriend, who I am friends with, told me that my ex-told Austin to block me. I asked my ex about it and he denied it. And he didn't like Austin and my friend dating. It is their choice anyway.
But, anyway, if I am talking to a friend, no matter the gender, and I am talking to him at the same time, he will either get off with me or think that I like him if it is is a male I am talking to. If I am in the hallway and I start talking or laughing with him, when we were dating, he thought I liked him. I always kept me away from everyone else and he always wants to know what I am doing. The other day he got a message from someone telling him that I was hanging out with other guys and then he couldn't decide whether to believe me or the unknown number. He believed me overall.

I even told him a few years ago that I was suicidal and he cared for a while until he decided to fight with me about nonsense.

One time when we were dating, we were talking on the phone and all he did was talk. I think the only things I could say was: "Hello; I am fine. Okay, miss and love you too. Goodnight and bye". In between the open of the conversation and the end of it, he talked nonstop about nonsense. I told him that I was still here and he said; "Yeah, I know".
Then he continued to talk until it was time for us to get off.
Sometimes he would message me, yelling at me for something I didn't even do. That is how a conversation would start. He always thought I was cheating on him and he always thinks I was lying about loving him. I tell him I wanna die and he just didn't care unless I was the only one left in his life.

I am tried asking friends on Facebook to help me but I can tell they read my cry for help and then they just didn't reply back. I told them I was gonna kill myself and they just didn't reply back. They didn't care. I would show sign on social media and nobody would ask if I was alright. I even showed signs in school and nobody cared to ask if I was alright, if I was hurting.

Someone I tried to cry for help to thought I wanted sympathy. He started talking about how he hurts too and that I always cry for help and that I won't actually hurt myself. He just doesn't get how my life has been filled with pain. He never told me that he was here for me when I told him I wanted to die, he just said that he hurts too. I know he hurts but I am on verge of suicide. My dad usually yells at me for no reason. When he taught me how to drive, if I messed up one little time, instead of being patient with me, he yells at me and says I have no reason for crying or being depressed. He never was patient with me. He always rushed me to do things. He ignores me, talks over me if I am talking to my mother, he cuts in, on a different subject, and talks to my mother while I am in the middle of a sentence.

And everyone wonders why I cry to sleep at night wondering when the pain would end.

I have tried to stay positive but I need some feedback on this. How can I ignore all this and pretend like it didn't happen?

I have convinced myself that I might have a bipolar disorder/anxiety, depression, and suicidal disorder. I have taken tests online and they all appear to show back that I have it.

This might have been a silly thing to say and this might be all in my head but I have been hurt too many times and everyone else ignores me and doesn't care. I don't know what else to do or where to go. Sorry for this small rant and cry for help. I am tried to make it on my own but I feel like I am losing the war with myself.

If anyone has time, I would like some advice or something. Sad

I am probably being silly to bring this up or to even say all this. But, I need to write this somewhere. I could write a whole book on my ex and my dad and everyone who wishes I was gone.
But, I am trying one more time. That is all I can do right now.
Reply Sun 3 Jun, 2018 02:50 pm
I'm glad you're reaching out. It' s a very positive step. It took courage to hit "post" and the hard part of of putting yourself out there is over.

Having said that, there's a limit to how much help a world wide forum can provide. You need to seek additional help and that starts by telling your parents you'd like to see a doctor. Just a regular doctor, and that person can give you more of an assessment more than online quizzes. Maybe a referral to a specialist or some medicine is needed.

I also think it would be helpful for you to change up some scenery. If you still attend school, switch to another one with open enrollment. Quit talking to your ex, he seems to be bringing you down instead of up. Sometimes you have to cut toxic people out of your life. It's hard but necessary.

Again, thanks for checking in. Now go tell your parents you want to see a doctor.
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Reply Sun 3 Jun, 2018 02:56 pm
I am very sorry for your situation, I also feel your pain more than anyone knows but at least you have friends & some family, I have neither
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Reply Sun 3 Jun, 2018 03:11 pm
Syren, you precious Angel, haven't I been here for you since 9-16-17? Make a guess how many hours we have spent together, sometimes from the time you got home from school till the time you went to bed. How many projects have we worked on together?How many smiley faces have you sent me? How many lol's? Haven"t we told each other that we will always love each other?
How can you even think of taking you away from me?

I wrote this to you just yesterday. Now i'll write it in front of the world.

Please always give your love to me
as you always have before
I will always love you like I did
when you found me on the shore
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Reply Sun 3 Jun, 2018 03:14 pm
I live to hear you sing to me
I wait in silence still
I treasure you deep in my heart
God knows I always will
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Reply Sun 3 Jun, 2018 04:28 pm
I'm with neptuneblue.

Tell your parents you need to see a doctor. If you need to tell a little white lie about it in order to get them to take action, then say you've got headaches. You practically do, so that's not exactly a big untruth there.

Talk to your doctor. Tell him or her what you told us -- all of it. Hell, if it's easier, print this page and bring the paper with you and give it to your doctor.

Another option is, if you're still in school, to talk to a trusted teacher. Tell that person that you're feeling this way, but also what's causing it. If your ex is in school with you, and they are doing this to you, there's a possibility they are doing it to someone else or they might in the future. Telling a trusted adult at school will help to protect not just you but potentially other people.

You are a worthwhile person. Your life can be better. We can type all you like, but the best way for you to get help is in person, in your town. You can do this.
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Reply Sun 3 Jun, 2018 04:44 pm
Thank you all! My ex and I used to go to the same school when we were in middle school but they didn't trust the high school I was supposed to go to so they put me in a semi-private school and I kinda like it. I used to have friends here and now they don't speak to me anymore and the only person I made friends with this year left because she was a senior and was from Germany and she went back to her home country.
I have thought about asking a teacher for help but then it might go back to my parents and I don't want to worry them. The school does have a psychiatrist but I don't know where that it or if I should even go there.

A little bit ago I realized how low my energy is because I am so depressed. I told myself that I needed to do what makes me happy and not worry about what others think or say. Words can't hurt me. They are only words.
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Reply Sun 3 Jun, 2018 04:53 pm
To whom it may concern,
Syren met me at our "Relationship Project" that she built at Prezi for us. She had done a presentation on "20th Century Authors and Artists" You know, Steinbeck, Pearl Buck, Picasso, Ed Hopper, etc. She built our project because she said she would miss working with me on the other. We finished a game of dots that we had started a few days ago. She won.
I write this because it is the truth and so she will see it and see that I will tell the world. She is the sweetest girl I have ever known in my life and pages and pages
of our messages prove how much love there is between us. Our love conquered
that spirit today.
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Reply Sun 3 Jun, 2018 08:15 pm
~~~~~For the Love of a Siren~~~~

The sea was calm
Not a breeze for days
The sails hung limp, and mocked
The stores of food were almost gone
The water barrels, locked

The crew laid scattered 'round the ship
Each in his own dry prayer
The captain paced his cabin crying
"Surely 'tis not fair
to all these brave and faithful men
that I should chart this course
to this God-forsaken place,
these waters of dispair.
'twas I who said "Go southward now"
when southwest winds were blowing"
His memory of an island beach
was all that kept him going

Scanning the horizon
with tearless, burning eyes,
he caught a glimpse
of a patch of green
beneath the cloudless sky

"It's there!
There 'tis!
Just as I recall!"
The crew knew that he'd lost his mind
There was no land at all

"I hear her!
That's the very voice
that I heard years before!"
A strong wind blew
and filled the sails
and drove them t'ward the shore

The sea was calm
Not a breeze for days
The sails hung limp, and mocked

"Look, men!
We're getting closer now
And look!
Can't you all see?
She's sitting there upon that rock
and she calls to me!"

With all his strength
he climbed the rail
and lept into the sea
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