I have been lost for years. It mostly started when I went out with this one boy. I thought things we great until I realized how abusive he was, verbally, not physically. We broke up three years ago but we still talk to each other.
Although here is the thing, he doesn't like it when I talk to other guys, girls even. I talked to this one other guy, his name is Austin. Then, my ex-got mad because we were talking. And then Austin blocked me. Austin's girlfriend, who I am friends with, told me that my ex-told Austin to block me. I asked my ex about it and he denied it. And he didn't like Austin and my friend dating. It is their choice anyway.
But, anyway, if I am talking to a friend, no matter the gender, and I am talking to him at the same time, he will either get off with me or think that I like him if it is is a male I am talking to. If I am in the hallway and I start talking or laughing with him, when we were dating, he thought I liked him. I always kept me away from everyone else and he always wants to know what I am doing. The other day he got a message from someone telling him that I was hanging out with other guys and then he couldn't decide whether to believe me or the unknown number. He believed me overall.
I even told him a few years ago that I was suicidal and he cared for a while until he decided to fight with me about nonsense.
One time when we were dating, we were talking on the phone and all he did was talk. I think the only things I could say was: "Hello; I am fine. Okay, miss and love you too. Goodnight and bye". In between the open of the conversation and the end of it, he talked nonstop about nonsense. I told him that I was still here and he said; "Yeah, I know".
Then he continued to talk until it was time for us to get off.
Sometimes he would message me, yelling at me for something I didn't even do. That is how a conversation would start. He always thought I was cheating on him and he always thinks I was lying about loving him. I tell him I wanna die and he just didn't care unless I was the only one left in his life.
I am tried asking friends on Facebook to help me but I can tell they read my cry for help and then they just didn't reply back. I told them I was gonna kill myself and they just didn't reply back. They didn't care. I would show sign on social media and nobody would ask if I was alright. I even showed signs in school and nobody cared to ask if I was alright, if I was hurting.
Someone I tried to cry for help to thought I wanted sympathy. He started talking about how he hurts too and that I always cry for help and that I won't actually hurt myself. He just doesn't get how my life has been filled with pain. He never told me that he was here for me when I told him I wanted to die, he just said that he hurts too. I know he hurts but I am on verge of suicide. My dad usually yells at me for no reason. When he taught me how to drive, if I messed up one little time, instead of being patient with me, he yells at me and says I have no reason for crying or being depressed. He never was patient with me. He always rushed me to do things. He ignores me, talks over me if I am talking to my mother, he cuts in, on a different subject, and talks to my mother while I am in the middle of a sentence.
And everyone wonders why I cry to sleep at night wondering when the pain would end.
I have tried to stay positive but I need some feedback on this. How can I ignore all this and pretend like it didn't happen?
I have convinced myself that I might have a bipolar disorder/anxiety, depression, and suicidal disorder. I have taken tests online and they all appear to show back that I have it.
This might have been a silly thing to say and this might be all in my head but I have been hurt too many times and everyone else ignores me and doesn't care. I don't know what else to do or where to go. Sorry for this small rant and cry for help. I am tried to make it on my own but I feel like I am losing the war with myself.
If anyone has time, I would like some advice or something.
I am probably being silly to bring this up or to even say all this. But, I need to write this somewhere. I could write a whole book on my ex and my dad and everyone who wishes I was gone.
But, I am trying one more time. That is all I can do right now.