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Sat 26 May, 2018 02:46 am
So.
I'm in love with this girl that I was together with before. It was her first relationship, and we all know how normally those end. Now we're really good friends in real life, we are comfortable talking about literally anything, and I think that we have both changed a lot mentally and morally since the time when we were together. We seem super compatible (I repeat, "seem". I honestly don't know how she truly feels about me) and I can't stop thinking about her since the first time we met (9-10 months ago). And thats not exaggerating, I literally can't stop thinking about how beautiful she truly is, how pretty her eyes are, how perfect her personality is. I have my doubts, since when I text her she's always pretty dry and unemotional, ("ok", "yep", "night") but I know her well enough to know that she doesn't like using emojis and overall isn't very expressive with feelings, or thats what she claims. As i said, in real life she is expressive and fun to be with. It's always a blast to be with her and I do it whenever i can. As I also said, we both changed. Maybe she is not as dry anymore in real life (not that she really was before, but she wasn't as cheerful you could say), but still texting?
Thing is, I'm a Spanish exchange student, she's a German exchange student (we usually talk in English but most of my family is German so I can also speak German with her when she needs it). The Irish school term is about to end (we're doing the exchange year in Ireland) and everybody is going home. I don't want to lose her. She's too perfect.
All my friends tell me to get over her, but I can't. You'll probably be thinking: "ah man just get over her jeez, your friends are right" but no, I am certain that she is special to me, but really special, if you get me. Not the kind "i was in a relationship with her" special, but the "she's the one".
And still, you'll probably be like "its only blind teenage love that is nor responsable nor realistic."
Okay, I know. It all sounds like it. And believe me, if I felt the slightest posibillity of that being the case, I'd try to accept it at all costs. But no.
I she always talks to me about these buff actor, dancers, stars..
Looking at myself, having a skinny body type, I'm going to the gym about 5 days a week, after school. I completely eliminated processed sugars out of my diet. I try to eat 5 pieces of fruit and vegetables a day (my diet is mostly limited since I can't really choose what to eat when I'm with a hostfamily). I drink lots of water. But I keep myself up at night, every night, regreting that those times are now gone.
Now. All that apart. I sometimes accept that I'm realistically speaking not going to be with her ever again. I thank god for still letting me have her in my life. But deep inside, I know that I'm bot going to let her go so easily. Don't get me wrong. If at any point there's a strong verbal or non verbal indicator that she won't be with me, that's it. Because I can't force her, and I would never force her to do anything. Not her, not anybody.
Oh well. I'm in a difficult situation.
Plan right now is to control my diet, go to the gym, and sign up for several extrascolar sport activities when i come home. And sometime after summer, organise a meetup with all the friends I've made here in Ireland (not only to see her, obviously, I'm not going to follow Gatsby's footsteps).
Will I have enough discipline, responsibility and love to go through with my plans? Thats left to see. But for now, I'm just going to enjoy my company with her as much as I can. God damn she's perfect. I wish I could go back in time to relive the mutual love we had for each other. Sigh.
Sorry for the unorganised way of writing. It's not very clear and stuff but yeah, I had to get all this out there, it's incredibly difficult to express my situation in words, and I've been trying to do this for a really long time. Sorry for any grammar mistakes, english is not my first langage.
If you have any advice or just want to talk, I would grandly appreciate it. (Just please dont tell me to get over her cuz imma die)
Communicate directly with her. Call her on the phone. Don't text - she obviously hates texting. Forget about the meetup with your other pals from the exchange group - don't use them as an excuse to see her. That's a dick move. And forget about your plans to get buff. It doesn't mean you can't get in shape (and good for you for making the effort), but don't do any of that because of her. Do it because you want to take care of yourself. Don't use her as the reason for that, because you'll stop if things don't work out with her.
And ask her, "What's going on with us? I really care about you and I'd like to try to make things work again. Can you see your way clear to doing that?"
And listen to what she says. I mean, really listen.
BTW, when people break up, there's a reason for that. Has that reason been resolved? Because if it hasn't, then all of your mooning over her is for naught.
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