Can this marriage be saved? Is it a marriage at all?

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Can this 'marriage' be saved? Is it a marriage at all?
I found this forum in desperation, searching the web.
My Husband hates me. I don't think I hate him yet. At least not enough. If I ask why he comes home at all, he doesn't know. He is a traveling person. And comes home on the weekend. He spends the weekend sleeping. He is an alcoholic. I have forbade him to drink at the house. So far, for the most part, he honors this. But he will drink and party at the local tavern. And tell them all how terrible I am. Poor Jake. His wife won't even let him drink at home after a hard week's work. Does he tell them that this past summer, poor Jake's family (me and 2 children, 11 & 16) were terrified of the way he acted? That the daughter dialed 911 one day because Jake was so out of hand that he was threatening the dogs, shoving mom, and threatened to burn the daughters car? Of course he'd never admit to thisBut at least we aren't walking on eggs, waiting for the bomb to drop..
I know Jake is punishing me by saying that he will be home on Friday night, and not coming in until Sat.
We have no physical relationship. We barely talk except to argue about the way he is.
You'll say get out? Why put up with it? I have been married for 17 years. Have known Jake for 20. My work is a very minimal paying job. Jake is the breadwinner. Our house is my grandparent's house. The kids and I love it. It was suppose to be passed on to my son. It is mortgaged to the hilt. We have a huge credit card debt. Jake says if he leaves the paycheck goes with him. And he is the kind that would quit his job (or loose it) and bum around for the rest of his life. I think he really would be happy that way. I don't want to loose the house. My kids home.
Jake says that he has always been a partier at heart. This is true. When we met, his life was one big party. And it was exciting for me at the time. Jake wanted a baby. Sounded good to meWe got married ( in our house, then Grandma's).. daughter was born. Things had to change for me. Time to grow up, Mom. So we lived for a while this way. I was ready to leave. (I really was. I had so much less to loose back then..) Jake did a major switch. Joined a church, became supportive, was a wonderful husband. Stopped drinking and smoking, I stayed. We were able to buy our house. Decided to have another child. Jake got the job he wanted, the one he has now. Life was good. There were still problems, but not between us. Even though he was gone a lot. I knew where his heart was then. I took jobs that left me home alot to be with the kids. This lasted for 5 or 6 years. Gradually, things started on the path to where we are now. He says that I am a terrible person to be around. I am depressing and unattractive.
A few years ago, I found out Jake was cheating. I told him to leave. After discussion, we decided to give it another try. Again, things went on well for about a year. Now things are worse than ever.
Jake says those times I felt were good are a blank in his memory. How can that be? All he can remember is that he (We) used to party together. And now, he doses it on his own. It is sad. I would like to go out, have a drink, and enjoy myself. The problem comes in that I don't have the desire to get drunk or stoned. Nor can we really afford it.
It is classic. I feel depressed all the time. Cry a lot. Have gained a ton of weight. Have no friends. (Didn't want to invite anyone around for fear Jake would stop by drunk.) My blood pressure is high (controlled by drugs), the dr. prescribed Zoloft. I have been to the doctor and ER numerous times over the past year for what has been eventually diagnosed as panic attacks.
The kids and I (Jake, too) go to counseling separately. I don't think it helps me much. I have been very honest with my daughter, to make sure that she knows that this is not a good or normal relationship. I tell her I want better for her. Explain the best I can how I got here, why I stay.
I do the best I can..
But as time goes on, I begin to feel more depressed, lost and lonely. The kids are growing up now. Becoming their own person, with their own lives. I don't have a life. I don't know how to find one, how do you start? Where do you look?
Thank you for hearing me out. Responses are appreciated.

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Hold still darlin. I'll come back to this and read in a moment. I just wanted to bump it to the top for you and welcome you to A2K. We lost one of our most beloved members yesterday and most of our biggest hearts are pretty torn up about it... but there will be plenty of love for you too, I promise. Please be patient... it will be worthwhile... and welcome to A2K! From the first paragraph I can see already you can use a virtual hug --> ((( daizi ))))

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Hi daizi and welcome to A2K.

I don't have much experience with this kind of thing but I do know that no house - or any other thing for that matter - is worth such unhappiness.

You deserve better.

Your kids deserve better.

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I dunno how to help you except that if you saw my topic in this forum "in to something that isn't very good for me" then you'll see that your openess about yoru problem has helped me realise just why i should stay away from the man mentioned in it. I'm afarid I'm of no use to you as beign twenty and stupid and in love with an addictive alcholic coke head myself there's not much i can say except that don't make excuses for him, do what you have to get out of it.

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Wow... that's more than a mouthful and I am profoundly unqualified for this but I'll throw you my reaction for whatever it's worth. It sure sounds like the two of you have grown apart for whatever reason and it might be more important to just recognize it and make the obviously necessary adjustments without getting bogged down assessing who's to blame. There's nothing wrong with growing out of the party stage but there's really nothing wrong with not doing so either. You're just on different paths because you're different people. No one has to be a demon for this to happen.

Paychecks tend to follow the kids around, not the bread winner but even if he did do something rash. Money only buys necessities, and we live in a country that won't let you go without those anyway. You should be acutely aware by now that money doesn't buy happiness.

My unqualified answer to your title questions in reverse order are:
Is it a marriage at all? You can't be serious. No one would sign up for that.

Can this 'marriage' be saved? Probably not, and darlin, do you really think you want to? From what you've told us of your history I can tell you with confidence that the very best chance of saving your marriage is to call it quits. That sounds like the only thing that's ever been able to make him focus on what he'd be giving up before... so there's no reason to believe declaring it over wouldn't be your best shot at getting him to snap out of it again.

While you're at it, mean it, like you did last time. The fact that you're here searching for answers is evidence you haven't given up hope on happiness yet. Good. It's right around the corner. You don't sound any older than I am which is way too young for you to feel so old. The good news is you can still start again and this will all fade like everything else. He's living in the present, while you're still longing for the past that may or may not have been as good as you remember it. 17 or 20 years that you're never going to get back.

Figure our what you would ideally like to be doing 5 years from now. Write down what you think would have to happen and keep refining your plan until you've worked out as many as the kinks as you can. Keep your best memories from the past for reminiscing on occasion but start living in your future today. If it takes every bit of 5 years or more to reach your ideal destination... big deal. The last 5 years seem like 1 don't they? If you spend next year like you did last year, that's just another year you are never going to get back.

Enough is enough already, don't you think?

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Yes. Enough is enough already. But, it is scary, lonely, so sad.
I'm 45. I feel old.
Logically, my mind tells me that there may be someone out there who would enjoy my companionship. But what if he is right? What if there isn't? What if it don't get any better? I wouldn't even know where or how to look for simple companionship.
Sometimes, I watch him sleep on the couch when he is home, and think, why can't it be him that I grow old with? That is what I want, I think, Someone honorable to grow with. (Make sense? I feel very confused sometimes.) ( I havn't allways been scaterbrained!)
It is funny that you say he is living in the present. I had never seen it that way. I felt that he was trying to live like a teenager...in his past.
And what life I have at this time is not my own, but (sadly to say) through and with my kids. They give me reason to live.
5 years from now? I can't think past next week..sometimes not even what to have for dinner tonight. 5 years from now my daughter will be on her own. My son will be a junior in college. Me? I can joke and say Cancune, or Bahamas....but reality? I don't know.

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daizi wrote:

Yes. Enough is enough already. But, it is scary, lonely, so sad.
I'm 45. I feel old.
Logically, my mind tells me that there may be someone out there who would enjoy my companionship. But what if he is right? What if there isn't? What if it don't get any better? I wouldn't even know where or how to look for simple companionship.

This sounds like the thoughts of someone that has been abused and is acting as a co-dependent enabler.

You're 45? What makes you think that life is over and there isn't anyone out there that might care about (or for!) you?

Leaving a relationship and starting over isn't easy for anyone (and there are several of us in the 30-something, 40-something, 50-something range here that have been there.) but, in my own experience, it is better than living with being treated like dirt.

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I worry about the message your kids are getting.

Is your son learning that its okay to treat women this way?

Is your daughter learning that she should quietly tolerate abuse? I know you say you've talked to her but actions speak louder than words.

If you're looking for companionship you've come to a good place right here. A2K might be a virtual world but the people here are very real.

If you're intersested in meeting real live actual people open the door and walk outside. They're everywhere, I'm telling you and many of them are as lonely as you are.

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Wow. I get the impression that on top of everything else; you've never been the Bahamas or Cancun, either. Sad

What do you mean by someone honorable to grow old with. Define honorable as you've used it here. And what pray tell makes you even consider the possibility that no one would want you? Fishin's right. That sounds like an idea that's been pounded into your head verbally if not physically. It is also a phobia... as in unreasonable fear. There is someone for everyone and the only people alone choose to be. Isn't that pretty much what you're doing now? If you want to meet people; go to the mall and say hello to everyone who passes by until you strike up a conversation with someone friendly. Should take all of about 5 minutes. Seriously, this is excellent practice if you fear you've lost your social skills. You haven't of course, just your nerve. A proactive decision is all it will take to get it back. Start setting and achieving goals again and you confidence will soar. You said you can't figure out what to have for dinner. Okay; plan out your entire menu for the next week and then take steps to make it happen. Plan you work and work your plan. Some of that useless crap our parents repeated was actually the hidden secret to success, you know?

About you 5 year plan, seriously: Is there no job you think you'd like to do that you're not qualified for today? You show enough intelligence in your writing here that you could easily learn something new if you tried. Do you know what's going to happen if you don't try?

Nothing.

Ps. What are you having for dinner tomorrow night?

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Welcome to A2K, daizi. Everyone has given you pretty good advice. I just wanted to pop in and say that it's time to focus on you. The marriage is pretty much done from what I can see in your posts, so you won't be growing old with him. It's possible that you won't grow old with anyone, so maybe it's time to make yourself into someone you'd like to grow old with.

You don't like you. Maybe it's because you are buying into his load of BS that you are undesirable or maybe it's other reasons, but it's time to change that. Can you think of a job that you had that you enjoyed? Is there a training program that interests you at the local community college or technical school? Is there a pysical activity that you enjoy? Physical exercise often alleviates depression and can bring inspiration to other aspects of your life. Think about the kind of woman you would like your daughter to be and aim for that. If you get even close to that ideal it will make all the difference to both of you.

Mostly, find some way to change your routine. Start small and work from there. Changing your mindset is a long hard process but you won't get anywhere until you do. You need to fully comprehend (because it's true) that you can be happy and have the life you want without him.

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Oh, something else potentially soothing just occurred to me. I'm no expert but I'm pretty sure that your SS benefits when you actually start getting old and can collect them will reflect every nickel he contributed (regardless of how long you've been divorced) if you don't remarry so you can set the part of "growing old" fear aside completely. Just thought I'd throw that out there in case you were using that as an excuse to stagnate.

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stagnate
(stagnate) That word sounds so...disgusting! But, I guess it fits. Stuck in a rut...take the kids to school...work, bring the kids home. Feed them, go to bed and get up and start over..and dread the weekends..Days pass, weeks, months and things don't get any better...
So I hear that I need to change...I live in a depressed area. opportunities are few as far as work goes. My schedule at this time parallels the school calender pretty closely. I have alway wanted to be sure that the kids have at least one parent available. People tend to stick to their own groups here, too. I have never found much openness to new friendships. Guess that doesn't mean it isn't there...
honorable? Maybe it wasn't the right word to use...I guess I mean honest, trustworthy, kind, respectable, conscientious, moral, scrupulous, creditable, upstanding.
You all have given me a lot to think about tonight...
(As I re-read this, I guess I should stop making excuses...but it really is a depressed area, and the local mall is 20 miles away, and laughable to say the least. )

aahhhh.. Dinner tomorrow night..Take out?

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Darlin, I had Sake with dinner so I may be even less helpful than usual. :wink:

(Stagnate) I hadn't thought about it, but I guess that is a little rough. MS Word Synonyms are: idle, be idle, fester, languish, rust, rot, decline, stand still...

or choose their given Antonym: CHANGE :wink:

Don't try to carry the whole load in one trip, though. I asked what you were having for dinner tomorrow night because I was hoping you'd go ahead and plan your week's menu. I realize it's a silly-small thing but you really do need to start somewhere. Your babies learned to walk by placing one foot in front of the other, one step at a time right? Sure you worried a little that they might hurt themselves trying, but you also new that merely trying was tantamount to succeeding, right? That's pretty much how life goes if you're determined and focus your energy on your goals. The task is never as difficult as summoning the courage, stamina or just plain old will to do it. Proving this to yourself is as easy as planning a week's menu in advance, and then sticking to it (or any damn chore I think I'm stuck on food because the A2Ker we lost was a chef as well as a wonderful human being Crying or Very sad

). Like Nike says; Just do it! I've never purchased any of those motivational speakers products but I remember hearing that "personal power" guy, Anthony Robbins emphasizing "Imagine if you could just summon the strength to change one little thing about yourself" like it was the Holy Grail and it made enough sense I can still conjure it up today in my memory (maybe it isn't a scam Shocked

) :smile: I assume the however many hundreds of dollars you're to send him after that is for the magical lesson B. Assuming that was lesson A. I imagine lesson B. to be something absolutely brilliant like Repeat A. and continue.

Since I'm obviously about tapped out for brains tonight, and I think Fishin really was on to something with that Codependence stuff I'm going to refer you to a fun link that manages to tie partying, love, addiction and codependence all together so incredibly well you're going to laugh out loud. Unfortunately, it's not the cure for anything but it may very well help you to understand what ails your husband and why you feel like you need that in your life too. Chapter one is aptly named "Til Death Do Us Part." Shocked

Click here.

(I wonder if I type the name Sozobe she will magically find this page and give you some advice.) (She's smarter than I am and is married with child so she can probably relate better too. :wink:)

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Can this marriage be saved? Is it a marriage at all?

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Can this marriage be saved? Is it a marriage at all?