Wife refuses to have sex

Forums: Relationships
Email this Topic • Print this Page

My wife and I have been married for just about 10 years. I love her very much and find her very attractive.

We have two children and my wife stays at home to be there for the children. She is very active with the children in school.

The problem is for the past 2 years, my wife has refused to have sex with me. She just says she does not have any desire to have sex. When I try to kiss her or hug her, she will give me a quick kiss or hug, but then pull away. For about 9 months after this started, I did not make a big issue of it - I tried to give her some time. We had just gone through two miss carriages and I thought that may have been bothering her.

In the past 6 - 8 years, I have spent a lot of time with my work - admittedly I have spent too much time with work and not enough time with my family. There was a lot of traveling required and my wife was by herself a lot. I also worked a lot of overtime when I was not traveling. As of the first of this year, I have changed that. My wife and children have noticed the drastic change in the amount of time I spend with them.

At the end of last year, I happened upon a couple of emails where she and one of her "friends" husbands were having some very sexual conversations. I approached my wife about this - she denied it until I showed her the proof. She promised to stop the inappropriate emails and to stop being so friendly with this guy. From what I can tell, this is the case. I am trying to look past this incident - after all I wasn't always there for her in the past years.

I would like very much to have a more intimate and sexual relationship with my wife. Since December of last year, I have tried and tried to get her to be intimate with me and to restart a sexual relationship - with no success. If I even rub her back for too long, she pulls away. When I ask her why she will be physical with me, she just says she has no desire to have sex - with anyone. She does not or cannot give me any specific reasons why she doesn't want to make love to me. She does say that me being so tied up with my work for so many years is part of the problem. I have asked her repeatedly to tell me what I can do to change the situation, but she just maintains that she doesn't desire to have a physical relationship and that I should stop bothering her about it. She says she doesn't know if she will ever regain the desire to have physical contact with me. She makes it sound like I am being unreasonable for wanting to have a physical and sexual relationship with her.

I am now VERY frustrated with the whole issue. I have always been faithful to my wife, but I am finding it very difficult to just "turn off" my sexual desires. I want to remain faithful, but I don't seem to be making any progress in winning back my wife's affection. I do love my wife and children and can not imagine a divorce.

Any suggestions on what I should do to improve the physical part of our marriage?

Topic Stats
Top Replies
Link to this Topic

Type: Discussion • Score: 1 • Views: 1,023 • Replies: 8

No top replies

Wow. This sounds like a pretty common problem people have who post for advice. I'm really not the person to give advice about this, but there are many people who will certainly give you good advice.

0 Replies

Re: Wife refuses to have sex

dustyboy wrote:

I would like very much to have a more intimate and sexual relationship with my wife. Since December of last year, I have tried and tried to get her to be intimate with me and to restart a sexual relationship - with no success. If I even rub her back for too long, she pulls away. When I ask her why she will be physical with me, she just says she has no desire to have sex - with anyone. She does not or cannot give me any specific reasons why she doesn't want to make love to me. She does say that me being so tied up with my work for so many years is part of the problem. I have asked her repeatedly to tell me what I can do to change the situation, but she just maintains that she doesn't desire to have a physical relationship and that I should stop bothering her about it. She says she doesn't know if she will ever regain the desire to have physical contact with me. She makes it sound like I am being unreasonable for wanting to have a physical and sexual relationship with her.

I am now VERY frustrated with the whole issue. I have always been faithful to my wife, but I am finding it very difficult to just "turn off" my sexual desires. I want to remain faithful, but I don't seem to be making any progress in winning back my wife's affection. I do love my wife and children and can not imagine a divorce.

Any suggestions on what I should do to improve the physical part of our marriage?

It seems that the two of you have come to an impass. You either have to resolve the impass or live with it.

If she won't discuss it with you then you might want to seek a marriage counsler (even if she refuses to go with you...). She may have a medical condition going on that can be addressed or she may have changed her feelings toward your relationship. Countined refernce to her about it from yourself isn't going to work IMO. It just seems to drive a larger wedge between couples.

If she isn't willing then you need to decide if you can live in a sexless marriage, if you two could agree to some sort of "outside" relationships (i.e. "alternative lifestyles") or to end the marriage.

Your options are largely tied to her (and your!) willingness to be open and discuss the issue.

0 Replies

Did your wife have counseling afer her miscarriages? It seems that this all started after her second one, if I'm not mistaken.

Losing a child inside the womb can be just as devastating as losing one outside the womb. A woman can become bonded to her child as she carries the precioius life inside of her.

Perhaps she is afraid of losing another one. She doesn't want to feel that unbearable pain inside her heart again. So she pushes you away.

Her desire for a man is still there, as was brought out in the emails you found. But when you think about it...there is no way of getting pregnant through an email, now is there?

Something just tells me that if you want to resolve this , that might be the starting point. But you have to START somewhere.

Not being able to make love to her has got to be difficult. It must be even worse not being able to hug her for very long, or hold her. You both need those things.

Seek counseling. Good luck.

0 Replies

Very simple. Get it somewhere else, and I am very serious.

0 Replies

Child of the Light wrote:

Very simple. Get it somewhere else, and I am very serious.

No! Only do that if you are prepared to end your marriage, and I don't think you are.

Why compound a problem with even more problems?

Besides.....I don't think it's just about "getting off" for him Child of the Light. He wants to make love to her, yes.....but he also wants to feel her love in the simplist of touches and hugs. He certainly will not get that from a wham-bammer.

0 Replies

Dusty...Hi

Seems you and I have alot in common. The thing is, I could be your wife.

When us women have felt like the lesser of important things in life, at some point...which may take years, we build up a resentment towards the man in our life. Its hard to break that resentment. The job comes first...your hobbies, the children come before us...at some point, we cut it off. And trust me, its hard to put back into prespective.

Us women....even being married...living in the same house, feel lonely. And I hate to tell you, but at this point...no matter what you do...it will probably be hell to break her down to want to be imtimate with you.

If she's like me...I love my husband, but fell out of love with him years ago. I am tired of being put last, never being thought of....there is no sympathy, respect or concern put out where I am concerned. I'd almost bet if you asked your wife if thats how she felt, she'd tell you yes.......

Quote:

In the past 6 - 8 years, I have spent a lot of time with my work - admittedly I have spent too much time with work and not enough time with my family

Ok...problem #1 I understand, its your job...but put her first for a change. Surprise her with an evening out. Don't ask her...she'll just refuse, I would. If you can't take care of all the details yourself...and end up putting most of it off on her, she'll just back out of going. I have...and would still. The last time my husband took me out was over a year ago. I mentioned to him the other night about finding a babysitter and us going out. The answer I got was a..."Well if thats what ya want"...but he never moved off the couch to do anything to show me he was interested. He never mentioned it again.....I took it that he wasn't interested and why bother.

Quote:

I would like very much to have a more intimate and sexual relationship with my wife. Since December of last year, I have tried and tried to get her to be intimate with me and to restart a sexual relationship - with no success. If I even rub her back for too long, she pulls away. When I ask her why she will be physical with me, she just says she has no desire to have sex - with anyone

Thats me made over...sorry, I know..I'm not your wife, but I think I can understand what she's meaning. She craves your touch, but will not beg for it and won't ask. You've made effort, but its just punishment for you...putting her last and least.

Quote:

She does say that me being so tied up with my work for so many years is part of the problem.

You bet! Believe her....take it to heart.

Quote:

I have asked her repeatedly to tell me what I can do to change the situation, but she just maintains that she doesn't desire to have a physical relationship and that I should stop bothering her about it

Don't ask her anymore. Show her.....And honestly, I doubt that she really means it. I have said the same words to my husband. Even though I don't mean it, there is a part of me that is sooo hurt, that I can't give him. I want him to love me...and want him to touch me. But the stubborn part stops me. And if he showered me everynow and then with some attention, I'd be wrapped around his lil finger.

What effort he puts out isn't enough. Its seldom...and makes me feel like I'm nothing more than a piece of meat to be used. The only time he touches me is when he wants to satisfy himself.

So...I maybe way off base...and if I am..then I apologize. But reading that...seemed like words that my husband would speak if he had the mind to do so.

0 Replies

justa_babbling_brooke wrote:

Besides.....I don't think it's just about "getting off" for him Child of the Light. He wants to make love to her, yes.....but he also wants to feel her love in the simplist of touches and hugs. He certainly will not get that from a wham-bammer.

Love? There is no such thing. Companions give nothing but sexual pleasure and comfort. No love. There is no such thing.

0 Replies

Child of the Light wrote:

Love? There is no such thing. Companions give nothing but sexual pleasure and comfort. No love. There is no such thing.

Bull-poopie.

dustyboy wrote:

I love her very much

Tell him that.

0 Replies

Wife refuses to have sex

Related Topics

Quick Links

My Account

able2know