Sun 6 May, 2018 11:56 am
This is gonna be really long, but I'll have to start at the beginning: I became friends with this guy back in January, and we really seemed to hit it off. We were into similar things, and had similar political views. However, as our friendship progressed, he would text me and talk to me at school constantly. Then he started coming to my locker and walking with me out of the school every day, which I usually did with one of my best friends, and then he started implying that he wanted to be each other's best friends, which was weird because we had only known each other for like a month but okay I guess. The thing is, I started getting a weird feeling about him So we hung out like twice and then suddenly he wanted to hang out constantly and wasn't satisfied unless he was the center of my attention. One day I came home and he was texting me and he asked me why he shouldn't kill himself?? So I told him that his friends and family care about him, but then he asked if I cared and I said yes. He then accused me of avoiding saying it and I told him again that I cared and he said he wasn't convinced and that it made him wonder. That made me feel like he tried to manipulate me but I let it go:/ Then, he started to tell me that we should date because we got along so well, and I didn't think I wanted to date him, but I told him I would think about it. So the next month I was at a friend's party and he was making indirect Instagram posts about how all of his friends were at the party and he was upset that he wasn't invited even though he didn't even know the host? Anyway, when I was there, I was talking to my best friend about how I was going to reject him, but she was getting pissed off at him at that point about the dating thing and his indirect posts about the party, so she messaged him and told him that I was rejecting him. (Obviously she shouldn't have done that but ya know) So he then got super pissed off at me even though he knew that that wasn't the way I wanted to reject him, and he told my friend that he was pissed off that he had to wait that long only to get a "no", even though he told me to take as long as I needed to decide, so that made it seem like he was only okay with me taking my time as long as he got what he wanted. Throughout the party, I had been making goofy posts and one of them was a picture of me with some candy that was captioned "My one true love." Later that night, he was messaging me about how pissed off he was and sent me that post, saying that it made him feel "insignificant"? (I feel like if me loving a gummy shark makes you feel insignificant, you need to reevaluate yourself) So we continued talking, and he would occasionally ask if I really liked him and just kinda guilt trip me constantly. One day, he asked me why I was more affectionate with my 3 best friends than with him, and I told him that it made me uncomfortable to do some of those things with him for fear that it would be taken in a flirting way, but he said that he "would never take it that way" and that I "should never feel afraid of expressing affection with him." At that point I was kinda distrustful of him but anyway. My best friends were talking to me pretty often about how uncomfortable he made them feel, and the friend who rejected him sits near him at lunch and said that he had been trying to guilt trip her into making me feel bad for him? At that point I was getting pissed off, and it all went terribly downhill when he texted me one day after school. That day after school, I had been having a private conversation with a friend of mine and I had made it pretty clear that he wasn't involved, but he followed us out of the school and still kept butting in and trying to take my attention away from my other friend. When he texted me that afternoon, he told me that whenever he was feeling really sluggish and depressed, it always seemed to have something to do with me. This really pissed me off, because he had constantly been guilt tripping me about not giving him enough attention, so I had started paying more attention to him, but as soon as I tried to have one private conversation with my other friend, he suddenly felt "depressed." So, I started avoiding him and wouldn't talk to him as much. Finally, after he confronted me yet again about me not showing that I wanted to be friends with him and trying to guilt trip me into staying friends, I got pissed off, told him off, and cut off contact. Later that day, I got a text from my ex-girlfriend saying that she had talked to him and was worried that I was going about it the wrong way. Basically, I told her everything and she told me that I could probably work things out with him (he was playing the victim card) if I wanted to stay friends. But, I decided not to contact him again because our entire friendship had made me feel absolutely terrible about myself because of how often he played the victim and guilt tripped me. Well, he kept talking to my ex and now they're dating. She was the one who told me, and he texted me later saying that he "cared about me", he "didn't want to hurt me", and he "feared how I would react even before they started dating. I still don't trust him at all after everything he did, and I'm worried about what he'll do to her because she has pretty serious depression and already constantly talks about feeling terrible about herself. I'm afraid he'll seriously hurt her if he guilt trips and plays victim like he did with me, and she'll end up either 10x worse or suicidal. I don't know whether to warn her though, because I doubt she'll listen since he's still playing the self-proclaimed "nice guy", and she can be very stubborn, so she might get pissed off and refuse to talk to me. He also might talk his way out of it by pulling his usual "I had no idea, I'm so sorry" crap and make me seem like just the crazy ex who's trying to break them up. Some of her friends that she trusts a lot have offered to tell her for me, but I don't know what to do. Should I warn her? Should I warn anyone?
No. It’s none of your business and you have no obligation to oversee the love life of other people.
Mind your own business and get on with your life.
And be your own person. Don’t be a messenger or take messages from other people.
@weapinkago,
Of course, there are people who say you should keep your nose out of anything not relating to you:
- like you shouldn't care about other people; and
- no matter the consequences to other people
They say this because they, and lots of other people (probably the vast majority) have been burned by doing so. The next time it happened, after justifying to themselves why they didn't say anything to a friend who got hurt, they invented 'reasons' why they think it's wrong to say anything (like 'you just shouldn't)...but again, these 'reasons' are like saying:
- you shouldn't care about other people;
- no matter what the consequences.
In any event, as I mentioned, the vast majority get burned, so it's very likely you will also get burned if you say something.
And anything you say will likely be turned around by him, with something like 'she always had a thing for me. She wanted more than I was willing to give. She's a bit bitter about it'...or something similar.
All that is not to say you shouldn't say something.
Saying something may be necessary for you to be true to yourself (to be your own person / to do things you admire / to live qualities you admire), even if it burns you.
It's up to you.
@weapinkago,
Yes, you did the right thing by ending the relationship. But that doesn't mean he'll act the same with someone else. The best thing to do is to wish them both the best in their new relationship. Let your friend know that you're still there for her and if she ever needs/wants to talk, you would offer the best advice you can or just listen if that's what she wants.
Please don't involve other people into their relationship. Your friend has parents that will monitor their daughter's boyfriend. The only thing this guy has done is to annoy you and that's not necessarily illegal or immoral. So there's not much "warning" you can give to anything specific.
If the situation changes and you feel he's showing violent tendencies or her behavior starts getting erratic, then it will be time to step in and talk to a guidance counselor, teacher, your parents or hers. But for now, ride it out.
@vikorr,
vikorr wrote:
Of course, there are people who say you should keep your nose out of anything not relating to you:
- like you shouldn't care about other people; and
- no matter the consequences to other people
They say this because they, and lots of other people (probably the vast majority) have been burned by doing so.
These aren’t at all the reasons I personally gave the one word answer of “no” and is every reason why I believe all this person required is a one word answer.
This OP has done nothing but create unending drama in her life over psomething that could have been quickly taken care of at the very beginning. She’s seeking to create more drama by "warning" others and and enhancing it but recruiting our permission.
She’s going to go ahead and increase the drama anyway, and this wall of text was her warmup.
Sorry about spelling errors, on my phone
@chai2,
You could be right.
I'd only say that it's not like there are plenty of great role models around for the young ones these days. As a whole, we seem to be a very me, me, me society. It means plenty of our young ones start off on the wrong foot, in terms of knowing who they are (or even how to find out who they are), how they want to live life etc.
And she does seems very young. So there's plenty of time for her to make mistakes, learn from them, learn who she wants to be in this life, etc.
@weapinkago,
Yes, you should warn her. Maybe she will not trust you but when she comes to know the reality of that guy she will thank you to warn her. It's not about your ex, you can do it just for humanity.
@weapinkago,
1 Write in paragraphs.
2 Back off. You've already made your feelings known. This guy may have learnt his lesson. If not she'll get sick of him, your interference may make it harder for her to break up with him if she's as stubborn as you say.
@dawghousedus,
For humanity? Oh FFS, this guy's a jerk but it's not like she's warning people about Nicolas Cruz or Jeffrey Dahmer.
I would think it would be better to leave well alone. She may well ignore what you say because as far as she is concerned its "sour grapes" between both of you. Further more realistically she needs to find out for herself & not rely on heresay.
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