Let's talk about sex, baby.

I'll be reading along to see if anyone has advice for Eva because its not that far into the future that I will have an 11 year old boy on my hands too!

I found out that some of the girls in our middle school were venturing into the boys bathrooms to orally 'service' the boys during school. My girls were in 6th and 4th grade at the time. I called them both in and told them that no matter what anyone else told them that oral sex IS sex and they are NOT to service anyone at school (or anywhere else, for that matter). They both said I was gross and they wouldn't even think about that. Last year my oldest, who was in eighth grade, told me that the 'servicing' is still going on and she appreciated that I was so upfront with her.

I went looking for the book I was given to explain this stuff -- my parents liked the concept of explaining but were a little fidgety themselves -- and it *starts* at $100+!! (Wonder where my version is??) I thought it would be like "Our Bodies, Ourselves" or something, new version since then, but guess not.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0312722753/qid=1108670578/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/102-7243941-9901707

I appreciated it, it taught me a lot and I could learn at my leisure without having to talk to my parents about it.

I did talk to my mom later though I think. She was good about doing her best to overcome the fidgety-ness.

(Also reading along with interest -- love your story, squinney!!)

Ahh,, yes. I will join in the BM of this thread as I am in the same boat... A few years from now I will have to start the sex talk. I too would love to hear how people handled it.
( personally.... im waiting for squinney to spill the beans on how she handled it.. ) ;-)
She went through a boy and a girl... Lots of info to tap into when it comes to sex ed there!

I am curious how to explain things to young children.
2-4 ? When they say " where did I come from?" Of course, mommy answers, " from my tummy" The age old follow up question.. " how did i get in there"
Then what? Do you say someone reached up and put you there? I agree with throwing out the strok idea, but what do you replace it with?
I call my daughters belly button her Mommy button. And when I talk her to sleep I tell her the story of how she and I shared a button. And I will rub my finger around her belly button and just talk.. Sometimes she will push her ' mommy button ' and come running to me. All that is fine and dandy now while she doesnt have a great grasp on what i am saying.. but are there simple things like that you can use later in life that dont tarnish the facts of sex?

I would like to hear that "where did I come from" answer from the standpoint of both sexuality and adoption!

Maybe Calamity Jane will stop in....

And that's a good point about not tarnishing the facts that you will have to explain later on.

And isn't sex ed Walther Hintler's arean? He might have an interesting European perspective.....

Whoa, shewolf...you lost your virginity when you were 11?



<furiously googling for info>

He would!

Sozlet's asked how she got in my tummy, I've gone ahead and explained about eggs but just said something about "and papa helped the egg turn into you and then you grew in my tummy." I haven't gotten into the mechanics yet. What I remember about that conversation is that I explained to her that she already has all of her eggs -- tons of little teeny eggs inside her, waiting for when she's ready to have a baby, herself-- and she thought that was way cool.

Throughout I've given the shortest, simplest answers and waited to see if there is follow-up. So far we haven't gotten past the very simple stage, often with tangents like the above that have proven more interesting to her than the dicier stuff that I prepare for.

geesh this is an almost all moms discussion, what does that say?

That a dad hasn't weighed in yet?

And we'd love it if you would?

JB - According to the kids "servicing" is much bigger than most adults know or want to know.

The really funny thing about our conversation was that my daughter was horrified that I even knew what a blow job was. Bear came in on the conversation (kitchen, I was fixing dinner as we chatted which seems to be a favorite time for the kids to talk to me) I said something like, "We were just talking about... and Daughter is surprised to find out I know what a blow job is." Bear said to daughter,"Honey, I don't want to shock you even more, but your grandparents know about them too. As did your great grandparents, and their parents."

"No way!"

"Yeah, way," Bear says. "As a matter of fact there probably isn't a single thing your generation can come up with in the sex department that is new. It's all been done."

"Oh, my gosh! You mean...Really?"

So, even when we've been honest and comfortable all these years with them about sex, they don't think of it in terms of parents doing it, and grandparents doing it would definantly be "sicko." They still think they have a corner on the market and they are being outrageous and shocking by "servicing" - much like we thought about our generation with the Elvis gyration of hips or free love and peace or the Humpty Dance, stuff that our parents just knew was the downfall of civilization.

With that in mind, I think it's important that kids know Mom and Dad love each other and share special time. If they think it's no big deal and we've done it all before them it takes some of the shock out of it AND emphasizes that it is special (not a free-for-all) without being preachie, or most importantly hypocritical.

As stated before, I think it has to be a lifelong lesson from all of the input they receive, including what happens within their family. That's what shapes their attitude, and whether or not they find servicing acceptable or premarital sex okay. Is Dad completely hands off? Does Mom laugh or grit her teeth when he pats her bottom in the kitchen? Do Mom and Dad kiss each other goodbye? Do they hold hands walking through the mall? Is sex treated as a dirty secret and hush hush, or discussed freely in appropriate ways?

Many kids know when a parent has had an affair. Many know before the other parent does. That can shape their attitude more than anything. Boys might get the idea monogomy isn't important, girls might learn sex means love and try to earn love by putting out.

I guess what I'm getting at is that it isn't what you say, it's what you do. It isn't choosing the right words or place or time, it's knowing that the daily stuff in your own home is teaching them about sex, too.

Nodding emphatically.

Doing a lot of that today.

Great words squinney.
Great advice and you are right on the money. It is what is happening in thier homes that makes the diffrence.

The kids really call it "servicing"? Ugh!

Eva - they were talking about, and doing, the same things 35 years ago when I was in public school. Servicing, pregnant 11 and 12 year olds, it was happening then - and 35 years before that. Perhaps not as often as now, but happening.

It's sort of a weird dichotomy. Sex is talked about more as a bad thing now, at the same time that it's talked about less as a good thing. Or at least that's how it seems when I look at a lot of U.S. media. Something tempting about those bad things, makin' kids do even more than when we were told the urges were natural (I'm a teen of the 1970's, and that's what they taught us in school) and healthy, and that anyone who told us otherwise was wrong.

Squinney -- Talking about your daughter's reaction reminded me of walking thru the mall with our son at Christmas. We were looking for a new robe for Dad and ran across some gold lame boxers. I laughed and suggested we get some for Dad as a gag gift. (First blush from son.) Then Dad said, "Who would wear something like that anyway?" (Second blush) To which I replied, "Um, a gay stripper?" (Son almost passed out.)

yes ma'am. And it is more and more common for kids to be having sex at that young of an age.
Well, I shouldnt say MORE COMMON.. I think people are just loosing the ' hush hush ' attitude about it.
Sad really. Sex isnt something that should be incredibally important at that age, but as someone said earlier, puberty is hitting younger and younger as well.

I'm so glad she knows that!

I grew up on a farm and we were doing artificial insemenation in the 70's (horses) so when we got to sex ed in 6th grade our PE teacher who was given the lovely "teach our kids about sex" job, asked if there were any questions.

I raised my hand and said something like "I think all the girls need to know that they already have all of their eggs and the boys don't. That's why we have to be careful about getting xrays and being around chemicals and stuff."

All the girls were surprised to hear this, and yes, they thought it was pretty cool, too. Thinking back though, I realize this was at the end of the sex ed class and it hadn't even been mentioned by the teacher. That's the kind of stuff the kids need in addition to "don't do it." Abstinance Only misses all of the VD's, but it also misses other important things they need to know like boys not wearing tight undies, or girls performing breast self exams, and being careful about what they expose themselves to.

Think of the millions of kids who's parent's don't / can't teach them about these things. Many of these kids don't have yearly check-ups anymore, so it isn't as if their physician will tell them. Where are they suppose to learn these things?

good point. ( again ;-) )
Sex is the whole body. Sex is being a man or a women, sex is YOU.. not just an act.

> head spinning with this information<
wow, it was easy to digest all the medical jargon in school about sex, hormones, muscle tissues, eggs, you name it..
thinking about it in terms of presenting it to kids?????
oh boy.. Im gonna have a big headache soon.

Sheesh. I had a really nice, long post all typed out and lost it when my server disconnected. I will reconstruct.

I was a teenager in the late '60s with parents who were still firmly ensconced in the '50s. My mother awkwardly attempted to explain the facts of life to me when I was about 10 or 11. She said that when a man and woman were facing each other, their bodies fit together. That was all she could manage to get out. I was lost...did that mean that the woman's face fit into the indentation where the man's neck was, then her chest fit into the dip where his stomach was, etc., all the way down? And what the heck did that have to do with babies? Months later I finally pieced it all together from what I had heard here and there....and man, was I shocked!

Girls who "went all the way" were called whores. So nobody ever ever ever admitted it. Not that there wasn't plenty going on...just that nobody ever talked about it. They certainly never said it was "natural"! That was a revelation to us when we got to college in the '70s. I lost my virginity during the summer between highschool and college. My boyfriend of 1-1/2 years (my first love) and I were both virgins at the time, so we had to figure it all out for ourselves. Which was FUN! It was a good experience. But of course, we didn't admit anything to anyone for years.

I'm so glad it's all more open now, for my son's sake. I like soz's approach of "abstinence plus" best. That seems like the most reasonable way.

That's interesting, squinney & soz. Nobody ever explained to me about x-rays, chemicals, etc....ever.