"For the sake of the Children"

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I write this in hopes that some how if some one here is living in an abusive relationship, that it makes them think and search for a way out.
A phrase I'm sure most of you have heard or are at least familiar with "For the sake of the children", I don't understand that phrase. If you have used it in your life, what does it mean? How is it beneficial for child/ren to live in a world of abuse. My own mother used this phrase so many times when explaining to people the reasons why she stayed. I didn't understand it then and I don't understand it now. How does feeling powerless to help benefit a child?
Now I know some one will say oh no my kids don't see this happen and to that I say BULL. I was a child and my vision is bad but I saw, I heard, and I knew. I remember the excuses she gave thinking that we were either to young or I don't know maybe to dumb? "Oh, mommy is so clumsy, always falling down, Daddy was helping me up." Yeah I guess he was reaching out to help her up and his fist slipped oops. I also heard the excuse that It's our culture. You just have to learn to shut your mouth. I don't wanna go on and on cause I know I can. My point is your children do NOT benefit from you staying. You do more damage to them by staying.
I was one of the lucky ones, My life is way different than my mothers but my sisters were not so lucky. Even though my life is good I still went through hell because of her choices. My benefits were I got to take care of her and watch her slowly die due to all of the abuse and letting herself go, I got to finish raising an angry lil hurt girl that she left behind when she died. My message doesn't only go out to females either. If you are a man who has seen your child being abused by your wife don't just walk away assuming you have no place. Be a man and protect your child. If you are going to do some thing for the sake of the child? Leave and live long enough to be able to raise them and break the chain of abuse.

In memory Of my Mother.
For the sake of the children she wont be celebrating a birthday this March.

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Very well said Devious,

I wouldn't know how to cope with a past like that.
Fortunately, I don't have to, my parents were loving people
and I was raised to be a strong, independent woman - most
wife beaters would be afraid of me, as they seem to choose
a wife/girlfriend who is timid and without selfconfidence.

I hope, your words will get through some of these unfortunate
women who are in abusive relationships and think they'll
do their children a favor in staying.

I'm sorry for the loss of your Mother.

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Thank you, My mom has been gone for a wile but every birthday, every holiday, and every life event I am reminded. It's just not fair to any child to have to live that way. I am mexican and I refuse to accept that abuse is part of our culture or some thing a certain race is known for. If that is so, then it's time for "Traditions" to change.

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Well said C-Jane. Ruling out any abuse in a relationsip, are there any circumstances where it would be benificial stay together "For the sake of the kids?" Let's just say you get married and then fall in love with somebody else? Would the kids be a good excuse to stay together?

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Devious_Britches wrote:

Thank you, My mom has been gone for a wile but every birthday, every holiday, and every life event I am reminded. It's just not fair to any child to have to live that way. I am mexican and I refuse to accept that abuse is part of our culture or some thing a certain race is known for. If that is so, then it's time for "Traditions" to change.

You're right: it is time for "tradition" to change. When I read sometimes
how arabic women are considered property of their husbands, and
what hardships they have to endure, I always wonder, if this violence
towards women will ever change.

Unfortunately, not until women assert themselves and unite in the fight against domestic violence.

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Tenoch wrote:

Well said C-Jane. Ruling out any abuse in a relationsip, are there any circumstances where it would be benificial stay together "For the sake of the kids?" Let's just say you get married and then fall in love with somebody else? Would the kids be a good excuse to stay together?

It depends Tenoch. If my marriage is intact and my husband is a good
father to our children, I would stay with him for the sake of the children, despite falling in love with someone else.

If my marriage would be miserable, I wouldn't stay, regardless if there
is another man or not. If I'm miserable, my children will be miserable,
one cannot pretend to be happy-go-lucky while all hell breaks lose.

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Ya know I have been sitting here trying to figure out how to answer that. I think cj did a good job of it. you are already affecting your children now its up to you wether it has a posative turn out. If the marriage can be fixed then stay but if there is constant tention then time to go. Here is the issue for me though in this. Ok you fall in love with some one else now should the one that was faithful have the family he/she loves ripped away from her/him? Like if the female cheats most of the time she wants to drag the kids with her. So he in turn loses his wife and children, the children lose their father/mother, friends, school, Due to your choices.
I think the main point in it all is Think about everyone in your life before making life changing decitions. It's not just all about you anymore.

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I couldn't agree more DB. The father of my son was an abuser and I left him when our son was little.

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom and what you and your siblings went through.

(((Hugs)))

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Devious britches - you have my sympathy. I don't understand it either. There was no physical abuse in my family, no other loves that I know of. But, my parents did not get along. While my peers were pining for their parents to get back toghether, I was wishing mine would part.

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Littlek,

What was the reason that your parents could not get along?

I am too searching for the answer to this problem in my marriage.

I have felt that it was contrary to reason to stay together unhappy, in constant conflict, opposite personalities, and as far as I can see, no hope for improvement

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Sax that sounds like a lot of tention in a household. You say you find no way to fix it. The kids must hear it as they live in the same house. Doesn't sound like that is best for a child.
Even if you try your best to fake it, kids can pick up uncofortable tention. Even as small as an infant can tell when there is some thing wrong. Not saying they can pin point it but they can feel it and it makes them uncomfortable. Ever try to comfort a baby when you yourself are stressed out? Doesn't work, usually the child will scream even louder. I use to watch a baby who's mother for the most part was stressed this baby would cry and cry and nothing would calm her, her boys would bring her to me and crying would instantly stop. I don't see the point in staying if you are only miserable cause then you pass it on to your kids. If they are young yes they will be upselt cause they can't have mom and dad anymore but if you do it in a way that they know that you will always be there for them and they can see you when ever they need it makes it a little easyer. But you have to keep your word. When they get older they will understand that you wanted the best for them. They will understand it more than if you stayed and had them live in tention. But like I said if you part they have to know that you are not leaveing them, That you still love them. Also Make sure you have tried everythibng to make it work with your wife. It's better to part mutually then in anger caue then there will be more issues for the kids.

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There's no doubt in my mind that children, even very young ones, know when parents are not getting along. I believe children are better off with one parent than with two who are fighting, angry, or just plain unhappy with their lives together. Sure, every marriage has difficult times, and it can be hard to judge when the bad out-weighs the good. But I think one's heart knows.

I've known people who say they're only staying married "for the sake of the children." Personally the people I've known have used this as an excuse, a way to keep from facing their fears about being alone. It's a use of the children, not a favor to them. Not that Everyone is this way, but it is something to watch out for.

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"For the sake of the Children"

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