Affair recovery?

Hello Everyone. I’ve been married for 11 years. I’m just about 40. I’ve known my husband for 20 years. We hung out in the same crowd in our early 20’s and eventually started dating. He joined to military and we got engaged. I left everything in my hometown and traveled the United States with him for 9 years. Things were hard at times, we have had our troubles like any other couple. We have 3 boys and as you can imagine with his work demands, he wasn’t home much. I stopped working to be home with our boys. About 3 years ago, my husband decided that he wanted out of the military and we came back to our hometown. Bought a house....started spending time with our old crew of friends that we’ve separately known our entire lives. All of our kids got along, it was perfect. Only it wasn’t. Something happened when we moved back. I’m not sure if my husband was always distant with me (sexually he seemed to have little desire but that has been a consistent in our marriage and a struggle on his end, while I’ve always been the opposite). But his distance may not have been noticed bc he wasn’t around much. I got into the routine and pattern of doing everything. Kids, house chores, schedules, homework, house repairs, yard maintenance, cooking, cleaning... everything. But when we moved back, he was civilian and worked better hours and was home. He was now available to help and he just didn’t. I tried for a year to communicate my need for assistance bc juggling the boys and everything else was challenging. We hadn’t been intimate in years. I expressed that need and desire as well. It fell on deaf ears. I continued along for another year almost drone like. Going through motions. Trying to be seen, heard, appreciated, sexy for him, noticed, asking for his help around the house. I eventually just gave up trying in order to avoid feeling rejected. But rejected was exactly how I felt. I interpreted his lack of response to anything as a reflection of his feelings for me. We live on a lake and we’d have our friends visit frequently on the weekends. Kids would play all day and swim, camp fires by night, drinks post kid bed times. It was a distraction for me and my unhappiness but it wasn’t enough. Eventually after begging my husband to get help, asking what I could do to make him love me, want me, feel me and falling short on his broken promises to work on it, I asked for a divorce. He told me we couldn’t afford it. I knew I needed to set myself up to be on my own.
Fast forward a month and one weekend with our friends, our mutual friend that he’s known since 16 and I since my 20’s, made a pass at me. He’s married as well and I was friends with his wife, though she didn’t come until our 30’s. I not only accepted his advances but I embraced them. It felt amazing to be seen by someone. It felt amazing to be touched by someone after nothing for 2 years. We carried on our affair for 3 months. We made plans to leave our marriages. We told each other we loved each other. We looked at places, texted every day. Snuck away when we could. And when we couldn’t, we relied on the emotional affair aspect. I did ask for a divorce and told him it was happening because I couldn’t be in the marriage anymore. He said fine. The plan was to make it until the end of the school year for our kids. Eventually, my AP got caught. It was the end of life as we knew it. I told my husband as well. I thought there was a future with my AP. I thought we were in love. I had never stepped out before this. And I thought that bc we’d known each other our whole lives that this was just a force that was stronger than us. Boy do I feel so stupid now. My AP ended our relationship and cut me out of his life. His wife confronted me several times saying she needed answers. I tried to give them as best i could to her bc I felt she deserved to know that. It was a mess. One minute she would yell at me and the next she’d tell me how great her sex now was. Meanwhile my husband would not even talk to me or look at me. Our other friends all cut me out as well. I thought about ending my life but fortunately checked myself into a mental hospital instead. I have a history of depression but had never experienced anything of this magnitude before. I felt much better after a week in house there and then I did outpatient for 3 weeks. Part of my healing process was to say good bye to my AP and his wife, writing them letters to apologize on last time and explain that would be my last I’m sorry that I was moving forward. Inside though I still yearned for my AP but I knew that if I really loved him that I needed to let him go bc that’s what he wanted. It’s been 5 months since i said my goodbye. He’s blocked me on all social media. My phone number. I blocked his wife. My kids still ask about them. My other friends still want nothing to do with me and seem to blame me for it all bc my AP seems to have no repercussions. My husband has told me he wants to work it out. That he knows he’s responsible too. He wants no affair details. He doesn’t ever want to see his best friend (my ap) again. I feel like I should try and work on it bc of all we have, the kids, everything. I have a job now. I’m back in school finishing my masters. I’m trying so hard but yet I still ruminate over my AP. I still love him. I dream about him every night. I hate him sometimes too. I’m trying to make everything right in my head but I’m still so cloudy. Conflicted. I want to make my husband happy and my children happy by staying but what if I never stop loving my AP? I’m in therapy but currently taking a break as I’m waiting for our new insurance to kick in. Has anybody been here? Has anyone been through this? How long til I officially am over this? How do I move forward with my husband but also protect myself? Will I always be this clouded? Help!