Mon 23 Apr, 2018 07:52 am
Hello Everyone. I’ve been married for 11 years. I’m just about 40. I’ve known my husband for 20 years. We hung out in the same crowd in our early 20’s and eventually started dating. He joined to military and we got engaged. I left everything in my hometown and traveled the United States with him for 9 years. Things were hard at times, we have had our troubles like any other couple. We have 3 boys and as you can imagine with his work demands, he wasn’t home much. I stopped working to be home with our boys. About 3 years ago, my husband decided that he wanted out of the military and we came back to our hometown. Bought a house....started spending time with our old crew of friends that we’ve separately known our entire lives. All of our kids got along, it was perfect. Only it wasn’t. Something happened when we moved back. I’m not sure if my husband was always distant with me (sexually he seemed to have little desire but that has been a consistent in our marriage and a struggle on his end, while I’ve always been the opposite). But his distance may not have been noticed bc he wasn’t around much. I got into the routine and pattern of doing everything. Kids, house chores, schedules, homework, house repairs, yard maintenance, cooking, cleaning... everything. But when we moved back, he was civilian and worked better hours and was home. He was now available to help and he just didn’t. I tried for a year to communicate my need for assistance bc juggling the boys and everything else was challenging. We hadn’t been intimate in years. I expressed that need and desire as well. It fell on deaf ears. I continued along for another year almost drone like. Going through motions. Trying to be seen, heard, appreciated, sexy for him, noticed, asking for his help around the house. I eventually just gave up trying in order to avoid feeling rejected. But rejected was exactly how I felt. I interpreted his lack of response to anything as a reflection of his feelings for me. We live on a lake and we’d have our friends visit frequently on the weekends. Kids would play all day and swim, camp fires by night, drinks post kid bed times. It was a distraction for me and my unhappiness but it wasn’t enough. Eventually after begging my husband to get help, asking what I could do to make him love me, want me, feel me and falling short on his broken promises to work on it, I asked for a divorce. He told me we couldn’t afford it. I knew I needed to set myself up to be on my own.
Fast forward a month and one weekend with our friends, our mutual friend that he’s known since 16 and I since my 20’s, made a pass at me. He’s married as well and I was friends with his wife, though she didn’t come until our 30’s. I not only accepted his advances but I embraced them. It felt amazing to be seen by someone. It felt amazing to be touched by someone after nothing for 2 years. We carried on our affair for 3 months. We made plans to leave our marriages. We told each other we loved each other. We looked at places, texted every day. Snuck away when we could. And when we couldn’t, we relied on the emotional affair aspect. I did ask for a divorce and told him it was happening because I couldn’t be in the marriage anymore. He said fine. The plan was to make it until the end of the school year for our kids. Eventually, my AP got caught. It was the end of life as we knew it. I told my husband as well. I thought there was a future with my AP. I thought we were in love. I had never stepped out before this. And I thought that bc we’d known each other our whole lives that this was just a force that was stronger than us. Boy do I feel so stupid now. My AP ended our relationship and cut me out of his life. His wife confronted me several times saying she needed answers. I tried to give them as best i could to her bc I felt she deserved to know that. It was a mess. One minute she would yell at me and the next she’d tell me how great her sex now was. Meanwhile my husband would not even talk to me or look at me. Our other friends all cut me out as well. I thought about ending my life but fortunately checked myself into a mental hospital instead. I have a history of depression but had never experienced anything of this magnitude before. I felt much better after a week in house there and then I did outpatient for 3 weeks. Part of my healing process was to say good bye to my AP and his wife, writing them letters to apologize on last time and explain that would be my last I’m sorry that I was moving forward. Inside though I still yearned for my AP but I knew that if I really loved him that I needed to let him go bc that’s what he wanted. It’s been 5 months since i said my goodbye. He’s blocked me on all social media. My phone number. I blocked his wife. My kids still ask about them. My other friends still want nothing to do with me and seem to blame me for it all bc my AP seems to have no repercussions. My husband has told me he wants to work it out. That he knows he’s responsible too. He wants no affair details. He doesn’t ever want to see his best friend (my ap) again. I feel like I should try and work on it bc of all we have, the kids, everything. I have a job now. I’m back in school finishing my masters. I’m trying so hard but yet I still ruminate over my AP. I still love him. I dream about him every night. I hate him sometimes too. I’m trying to make everything right in my head but I’m still so cloudy. Conflicted. I want to make my husband happy and my children happy by staying but what if I never stop loving my AP? I’m in therapy but currently taking a break as I’m waiting for our new insurance to kick in. Has anybody been here? Has anyone been through this? How long til I officially am over this? How do I move forward with my husband but also protect myself? Will I always be this clouded? Help!
Counseling. Alone, first. Figure out what was really missing. How can you make it better? And possible as a couple, to determine how you'll work this out together and trust again.
Your marriage is not back together, so recognize that you are unfullfilled. This guy filled a void that is STILL there.
THAT'S what you miss.
Your happiness is still there somewhere, but not with either of these men (husband or ex-lover)
Work on getting yourself back together and strong enough to stand on your own. (You should have gotten a good lawyer to help you with that, financially. No way did you "have" to stay in a loveless marriage.)
Also - you let this marriage grind to a full stop by not putting your foot down on him getting help - PSTD? Depression? His own affair? Gay?
Continue on with therapy. Good luck.
@punkey- thank you so much for your reply.
I think you’re right on that He filled the void. That it’s still there. My husband is/has been my best friend through our marriage. And sometimes I feel like that’s just what it is... best friends raising kids together. He’s changed so much since this. I think we needed to hit rock bottom before we could rebuild. Frankly I’m shocked he wants to rebuild. Part of me wishes he’d say he thinks we should go our own ways. But because he wants to work it out, I think I should try. He’s making big chances. He’s been present, attentive, helpful. He visited me in the hospital every day. He’s spending more time with the kids and making sure I get time to myself. I’m hopeful it stays that way and I’m willing to try and stay until he goes back to old ways... if he does.
I did contact a lawyer and I heard prices. I don’t want to rake him over the coals. He’s a good man and I do love him. I just want to be in love tooand I want to be loved in return. I’ve wandered about him and his own affairs but he swears he’s been loyally. I’m not a snooper so I don’t look for dirt. He did get very flirty once w a friend of mine in front of me (she was full on flirting back with him) and it was an issue. There were a few other things that happened as well and we did do counseling about 2 years ago. I think tho, that there was a giant elephant in the room that we just didn’t discuss. He ended up talking mostly about his crazy parents and then we ‘couldn’t afford it anymore’. My response to that was how can we NOT afford it.
I do think he suffered from PTSD. I think he still does but I can only lead a horse to water.
When you say not with either man, I accept it’s over with my AP but do you also think it’s over with my husband? Like am I kidding myself? I’m not scared to be on my own by any means. Financially I’d like to be a bit more grounded before I leave and in the mean while I’m just hoping that maybe we fall back into love and are able to build up some passion.
He’s definitely gay. Lesbian porn is his thing. In fact we had a threesome with another girl randomly a couple months ago (long story) and since then he’s been wanting to do it again. I’d never been with a woman so that was my first time. I’m not lying when I say this has been the strangest couple years of my life and I’m having such a hard time making sense of it all. I’m just trying to go one day at a time. Some are better than others I guess. Today was a down day. Thank you for your advice. I am very limited in who I can discuss any of this with.
*definitely NOT gay * that should have read.
I can relate to some of your situation. I also sent you a PM back. We have alot in common (I was never in the military).
I fell for the same thing. My wife's best friend. Knew her since i was 16. I also know her Husband. We always Semi Flirted with each other. Once night (While Drunk) i had sex and thats when it all started. She is my wife's best friend so it sucks. I can't relate on getting caught but she was close. Her sister had my Affair Partners phone and i sent "So i heard you made it back home" if i sent anything that i usually send like "I love you" or "Hey babe. Whats up?" it would have ended very, very bad. We both dodged a bullet.
My affair lasted 9 months straight (Sex, Texting daily, Emotionally Involved, she told me she loved me i said the same thing back, etc) and also on and off texting for a few years (Nothing crazy serious). Im not going to lie. It sucks. I wish this feeling on no one. I also have 3 kids. Me and my Wife were in the same boat as you. It was like we were roommates raising our kids.
My affair Partner also sucked me back in a few times (2 Times total. She ended both times). Also. Please watch. Just because he removed you from Social Media and blocked your number doesn't mean anything. I just did the same thing to my Affair Partner when she ended things (She still wanted to be friends). However she said " We're Done. Stop missing me and focus on your life". I said ok, deal. No more you sucking me in. So i blocked her on Social Media, Blocked her number and sent all her e-mail to my Spam Folder.
But guess what. I struggle hourly with wanting to unblock her. I have checked her Social Media pages just out of habit. I have no clue if this is truly done or if she reaches out again. (I hope not). So please. Stay Strong and if your Affair Partner reaches out (I give it a 80% he will at some point) Just ignore it.
We can talk more if you want. Like i said i sent you a PM. We can help each other because oddly enough our stories match about 90%. Keep Strong and we will both get through this.
Prayer. Have faith. Go to church together. It’s a hard road. But I know it can work.