How many times has your marriage been tested?

I think my marriage might be an exception, as we were 35 & 39 when we married, and it's a first marriage for both of us.

In 8 years we've never had a problem with people outside the relationship....however, we were both very clear about this when we married. We married because we intended the relationship to be exclusive.

I think a younger couple might have a LOT more problems with this.

Never!!

none.

You guys all sound very lucky, and should go thank your spouses RIGHT NOW for the security and trust they are providing by being true to you.

We decided to get married with two rules: No lies and no cheating. Everything else is forgivable but those two things neither of us could bounce back from.

I think it is one thing to develop a crush on someone other then your spouse. We talked about it a little bit here:

http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=43728

"Really connecting" and "having doubts about your partner" sounds like a serious issue to me.

I think that if a person is human, and still breathing air, there is a possibility that at some time in the marriage, he will connect with another person. Sometimes stress in the marriage will cause a person to become attracted to another.

If the person is secure, and the marriage is basically sound, the person will understand what is happening, and not act upon the feelings. Often, an emotional connection with a person outside of the marriage, will actually "save" the marriage, although it is not an ideal situation. The love interest will serve as a release valve, making whatever is troubling in the marriage more bearable. Usually, when the immediate problem is resolved, the person no longer needs the stimulation of someone outside of the marriage.

There are people, in terrible marriages, who have affairs. I am not speaking of the chronic womanizer, or man chaser. Some people, for one reason or another, be it children, or financial concerns, will stay in otherwise dysfunctional marriages. The affair, or affairs, affords the person a modicum of pleasure not derived in the marriage, so that the marriage may remain, at least superficially, intact.

Re: How many times has your marriage been tested?


My long-term relationship has NEVER been "tested" by outside romantic interests. It's not an issue with each other. He doesn't hang out with other women, I don't hang out with other men. We're in love with each other. I'm not jealous -- if he did have female friends that he spent time with, I wouldn't feel threatened -- but that never happens. We choose to spend most of our free, social time together. We like each other. We meet each other's emotional needs for conversation, recreation, intimacy, affection, laughter, consideration, respect, et al. I can't think of any other human being on this earth who is more capable of meeting my emotional needs than my man. He's the BEST.

Re: How many times has your marriage been tested?


If your wife is meeting other men -- or another man whom she connects with and is discussing her "doubts" about YOU to him -- I have to wonder why she isn't discussing her feelings with you. It appears that she is seeking validation.

I'm just noting that there is a common theme running through all your posts concerning your wife or relationships in general -- and that theme involves your wife's apparent NEED to spend time with other men when she knows doing so causes you insecurity and distress.

In my marriage (I was divorced many, many years ago), I worked nights. Nearly every morning after work, I went out for coffee with co-workers. I developed a great friendship with one of my male co-workers and we could literally sit for hours and drink coffee and talk about work or our kids and our spouses.

One morning, HIS WIFE walked into the restaurant and accused us of having an affair. It wasn't true -- but she felt threatened by her husband's friendship with a female co-worker. We understood her fears and insecurities -- so we stopped having coffee together.

That was MANY years ago. My marriage ended (my husband didn't meet my emotional needs and I just grew tired of staying in an unhappy marriage), but my co-worker and HIS WIFE are my BEST FRIENDS. She didn't exclude me from their lives -- she embraced me as a friend. When they later had a child together, I became the godmother. My beloved god-daughter just turned 14!

The reason these people have been my best friends for years and years is because we connect with each other -- we listen to each other, we validate each other, we share our lives -- in friendship. Ironically, my best lady friend would never have become my best friend if she hadn't barged in on my coffee time and accused me of having an affair with her husband.

But the thing is, in my current relationship of many years, I would NEVER consider going to a restaurant after work with a male co-worker and conversing and drinking coffee. Back then, when I did it, I was in an unhappy marriage and I needed social interaction with people who validated my feelings. NOW, I WANT to come home to my man. He meets all my needs. I don't need to look elsewhere for validation.

That's my insight . . . for what little it's worth.

Never.

Tons of opportunities on HIS part, but never happened as far as I know.

Much fewer opportunities on my part, and still never happened.

Its only been 17 years, though. May happen eventually. As someone else said, it sounds like she might be trying to validate her feelings. Hope you both can talk about this.

We've discussed this in detail in another thread, and in counseling together. We basically found that some guy promised her fantasy life (travel the world to exotic places), and she began to question her own life in general. Obviously, she had a need to do more with her life, and felt trapped by marriage. Not sure if it's defined as a crush on a man, or a crisis. We've worked past that particular issue now.

Either way, i categorize it as an eternal thread to our marriage.

I don't think you have truly "worked past" that particular issue because it still obviously weighs heavily on your mind.

I just feel sad for you. I've been in a relationship that required LOTS of work. Despite time, effort, torment, and agony, etc., the relationship never improved. The unhappiness was masked; but it was still there.

The relationship that I'm in now seems effortless. The joy and happiness that flows from a good relationship is boundless. I don't understand why anyone would accept anything less. I want everyone to be happy.