I may get this tattoo...

Since I can't think of anything original to post, I figured I'd share this pretty funny email with you. A good friend of mine moved out to the west coast with his girlfriend, who's a nurse. He emailed me this little ditty recently:

"Quick little story <Karen> told me last night about work that you'll like: Apparently her friend had some patient who was a gang member here in <west coast>. He was in the hospital because as he was running from the cops, he stuffed a bag full of cocaine in his mouth and swallowed it, thinking that the bag would be perfectly fine and would pass through his system and poop out gold at the other end. Unfortunately for him, that works with latex things like condoms and stuff, but not Saran Wrap. The bag ended up dissolving and he ingested this huge amount of cocaine in his stomach. Needless to say, the reaction was not good and he's pretty much a vegetable now. All he does is convulse, like when they put a defribulator on someone's chest during cardiac arrest and the person's body jumps - that's what he does all day. He'll be doing that forever.

So this kid is lying there, and apparently has a tattoo of a tear drop near his eye, which I believe is a gang symbol that you've killed someone. So he's a drug-devouring, people-murdering model of society. His parents have been sitting with him, and his mother placed a teddy bear and flowers next to his bed, along with a picture of Jesus that she's put up on the wall, in addition to some other stuff. The mother noted to <Karen's> friend (the nurse, mind you) that there was a yeast infection or something in his pubic region and asked her to clean it. <Karen's> friend had no sympathy for the kid and told her that if she wanted something done about it she could clean it herself. Being a mother who loves her son, she went in to freshen him up. Now, in the midst of this loving mother's care, a teddy bear nearby and the large portrait of Jesus, the mother pulls the clothing away and a tattoo below his belly button is revealed that reads, "SUCK MY D$$K BITCH." Swear to God.

I think his mother is going to counter it by bringing in some lilacs. Seriously, is it really necessary to tattoo that request on your pelvic region? To top it off, he's rude about it. Not only do I enjoy getting my c#ck vacuumed with your lips, but you're a stupid bitch. NOW SUCK. Imagine you're that kid and you go on the best date of your life and this girl thinks you're dreamy. The picture perfect night is ending on your third date and you and this woman decide to get intimate, until she's planting little kisses on your stomach, then turns on the light to see what that says. No matter what you did beforehand, that little insignia is now guaranteed to f##k up even the best situation. Actually, based on this tattoo choice, I suppose it was only a matter of time until this kid accidentally killed himself. Thank God."

Stupid criminals are funny. Do you all know first/secondhand any funny stories like this?