My ex-friends behaviors have hurt my husband.

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When I was in the 3rd grade, I met my friend Laura. Her and I quickly became very close. Staying best friends until we reached high school. I moved away and we met up again almost 10 years later. Still loved each other and considered each other very good friends. Re started our friendship and forged ahead.
We both realized that we had missed the important years of each others lives and we had grown into adults with out the other being there to see the changes. So having that 'problem' we were still able to keep a good friendship.
Needless to say, things fell away. She has become a person I dont like. Very neurotic & judgemental. Her relationships ( both love interests and friends) have been feverishly intense and very short. She meets someone,... they become the center of her life, finds a few things she doesnt like about them and discards them with no thoughts to anything. She has gone through 2 ' best friends' since I met up again with her in the last 4 years. Very strange behavior I think, and her and I talked about it a few times. She noticed the pattern TOO and was really struck by the fact that I NOTICED it also.
So then, after I was the ' friend of the moment' she met another new friend and I was pushed aside. HARD. And ti hurt like nothing I have ever known.
I swallowed my pride and basically just accepted that i was at LEAST in her life, even though I was second best to another person.
The people she attracts are quite toxic. This new friend is her eating buddy and she has gained 40 lbs since meeting her. Has become very arrogant and man hating as this new friend is and is doing this man hating behavior to her now husband . ( i will elaborate on that later )
She allows this friend of hers to insult her husband in front of him AND her, this new friend has gone through her husbands diary and told GROUPS of people about what she has read. Espically if it involves problems between him and laura.
No need to continue... I think the point of her new friends behavior has been reached. ;-)
Well, her husband is my husbands best friend. They have known each other almost 20 years. Laura just reciently married him and made him NOT tell anyone so that there was no ' fan fare'. Mr wolf is quite hurt by this as he has always saved a spot for his friend in his wedding/life/birth of his child. HIs friend has always done that for him too.... until now.
I am certain.... actually POSITIVE.. that she did this to avoid the possibility of having him and I at her wedding. Now , her selfish behavior has caused my husband some pain. Mr wolf and his friend have not really discussed this and I have not spoken to laura in over a year. deliberatly!
Now I am debating on it. Why? Im not sure...
It is a feeling of defending Mr Wolf, a feeling of betrayal ( again.. wich has become common place with her ) and a need to remind her that her behaviors effect everyone and that she has no right to dictate who her husband associates with. She shouldnt try to control his friendships. ( she has done her best to keep these two apart the entire time her andI have not spoken. Unknown as to why)

...... do i keep my mouth shut? Let Mr wolf address this with HIS friend and let him take care of it? Do I step up to laura and defend mr Wolf?
This bothers me .. tremendously. SHE bothers me. I really feel very torn about this and I am not sure how to handle this or even if I should do anything at all.

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I'd let mr wolf deal with it on his end and I would just put your friendship with miss nasty to bed. Has mr wolf commented on this situation? Men are weird about stuff like this. There are things his friends do that I know hurt his feelings and it makes me insanely mad but he just brushes them off and goes on his merry way. Never says anything, never starts anything. I'd go nuts.

I have a friend just like that...we used to be so close...but now, she is SO different. Or maybe it's me. I don' t know. But regardless, we don't talk much anymore and I barely see her. I've kind of given up on the being sad/mad thing with it. Sometimes, when we do talk, she will say negative things about my hubby and I just ignore her. Whatever.

Either way, I'd let mr wolf handle his friend and you can just say tooda-loo to yours.

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Bella Dea wrote:

Either way, I'd let mr wolf handle his friend and you can just say tooda-loo to yours.

Me too.

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I have not spoken to laura in over a year and that was a deliberate decision on my part. I couldnt take the ' being pushed to the side' as much as i was. Mr Wolf has said ALOT about this and is really upset. He hides nothing when it comes to how he feels about what his friend has done.
I know that it was ultimatly his friends decision to not tell Mr Wolf, but with laura breathing down his throat, I dont blame him. He didnt want to mess up thier wedding day or anything else.
I just feel that she was completely wrong for this. I personally want to tell her everything I think about her and not be so polite. ;-)
But, it wasnt me who missed my firends wedding. ( truthfully.. i wouldnt have attended anyways.. no need in pretending we are buddy buddy on someones wedding day ) It was Mr wolf. And for that I feel defensive. But she didnt consider mr wolf in her decision, most selfish people dont think that far.

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This is sad because I have a family issue that is just like this too. Wife is jealous of family. Basically cuts him off from seeing anyone. You'd think that he'd be like screw you lady but he doesn't. He just doesn't see his family. How sad.

She might have that kind of hold on him and if so, no matter what anyone says or does, he isn't going to make that break until he wants to. So mr wolf can say what he wants but chances are, his buddy isn't going to change the way thing are. Sucks ass. But some people just don't get it.

and if you're not friends and mr wolf doesn't care, I'd go ahead and let her know. if you got the balls.....use em. :wink:

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oh i do have 'em.
I just have to keep them in check.. hehe
I can be pretty rude at times and I dont want to fuel some fire that I dont see... but I just cant get over her lack of concern for others feelings. It just blows my mind.
It bothered me when she was doing things like that to me, and I just decided she wasnt worth the effort. But now that her behavior has stemmed to Mr wolf.. well.. that is a diffrent story.

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yup...the classic, "I can say mean things about my family but don't ever think that you can....". I am the same way. I get very defensive of my family.

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I hate this kind of stuff, when new spouse comes along and expects everything to change to her liking as if no one ever had a life before her entrance on the scene.

Have Mr Wolf and his friend been able to maintain their friendship or is she trying to limit the contact between them.?

And, what kind of person would read someone's diary... anyone's diary, but particularly the diary of the husband of a friend and feel she could broadcast the juicy tidbits? And what kind of wife would stand for it? Did they read the diary together or something, how the hell did the friend get her hands on his private thoughts? That really makes me mad!

Back to Mr. Wolf, does he still have a strong enough relationship with his friend that he can let him know that he was hurt by his friend? And, would he want you to say anything on his behalf or would he rather you not rile the waters any more than they already are?

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My position that he should do it, if he wants to speak up, is that he is the appropriate person to make a complaint, or not make a complaint, if that is how he calls it.

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Lauras ' friend' was with her and her husband ( ill call him K ) at a camp out. The diary was in his computer. No she didnt read it with laura, but she read it. All of it. This camp out was a hge gathering of people. Needless to say, this entire group of people heard K's thoughts, and Laura found out somethings he was upset with her for all because her friend decided to broadcast it.
Laura, defended her friend and actually go tmad at K beacuse he was saying those things.. in .....a diary.
( sigh )
what kind of wife allows that? Her. Plain and simple. Disrespect, mistrust.. all of that are things that I found out about her and decided I couldnt handle as a friend.
Mr Wolf heard about K's marriage monday. Last monday. It happened ( the marriage ) that saturday. Tuesday, mr wolf was so sick he couldnt go to work. he just returned to work today, I know that when K told mr wolf about the wedding that he said something right away.
They have been friends for almost 20 years. THey have always been honest and truthful with each other. I dont doubt that K will hear more about how this bothered Mr Wolf. Maybe even to the point that Mr wolf wont chat with him for a few days because he is THAT upset.

I dont know that he would truly care if I approached Laura. Hell.. he might enjoy it. Hehe. He doesnt like her m uch either and watched her treat me the same. So his opinion of her is pretty low. But he remains respectful to her because she is now Ks wife.
I honestly dont htink I want to ask him.. I just want to put him in the car, take some boxing gloves , and go to her house . Twisted Evil

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I agree Osso.
I really do. I still feel very protective. And granted, I will probally never speak to Laura again, i still have to watch Mr wolf and his friend work though this and knowing it is because of her just burns my rear.

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Shewolf, I don't blame you for being mad and upset...where's the heifer at, we'll all go and whoop up on her for ya!

I have had a friend like that, I have never understood her. Your her BEST FRIEND one day and then the next week, SHE'S Best friends with someone you have never seen before in your life. And as soon as that ends, she's back to you again.

Your the stable one, the safe one..the one that she actually trust and can depend on. She knows that...she just doesn't want to admit it or show it, until she needs something.....but the sad part is, you can't trust her. Which you've learned the hard way.

It says alot about her to think that she knew her friend read his diary and broadcast it to a group of people. That is nothing but a trouble maker. And for Laura to let it happen, knew that it happend and make herself the victim in all this( because he wrote some things about her) isn't right. Her husband was the victim of mistrust. His wife should have clobbered that women for being nozy to start with. And told her right quick that it was none of her business. But she didn't.....then to hide the marriage? Real Winner here.....Says alot about her character.

Shewolf, let Mr.Wolf take care of it and wash your hands of it, unless of course she has something to say about Mr.Wolf again. Apparently she already has.... Then I'd take the gloves off........She's one of them women that would cause trouble in your marriage if she thought she could...Do like you have done and just stay away from her...

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makemeshiver33 wrote:

I have had a friend like that, I have never understood her. Your her BEST FRIEND one day and then the next week, SHE'S Best friends with someone you have never seen before in your life. And as soon as that ends, she's back to you again.

---------------

It says alot about her to think that she knew her friend read his diary and broadcast it to a group of people. That is nothing but a trouble maker. And for Laura to let it happen, knew that it happend and make herself the victim in all this( because he wrote some things about her) isn't right. Her husband was the victim of mistrust. His wife should have clobbered that women for being nozy to start with. And told her right quick that it was none of her business. But she didn't.....then to hide the marriage? Real Winner here.....Says alot about her character.

...

Taking those points and thinking about her like that makes her a wee-bit less important to me... hmmm
thanks for that. ;-) I have a hard time still , not being hurt by her behaviors even though I do not even lay eyes on her anymore.
When I picture all of her behaviors in a larger scene like that.. yeah, you are right.. it speaks VOLUMES about her character.
I shouldnt BE hurt by this behavior because this is what she is. I expect nothing less. .humph!

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Shewolf...yea it hurts, because if your like me, when you make friends, you usually pour your heart into it. They own a part of your heart that you've given them. Some just like to trample on it more often than others. Its finally when we've had enough that we end it.

A year later....10 years later, it'll still bother you. Because you know that you didn't do anything to deserve it, but be her friend!

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SheWolf, I'd be really angry at her as well! I think if you did "beat her up," it would make no difference at all in her behavior. She won't change any time soon no matter what anybody does.

Mr. Wolf has to work out his own problems with his own friends, but that doesn't mean you're not allowed to be annoyed at her behavior. A Fine Line....He has the right to have his own relationships, and to work them out in whatever way suits him, but it's your instinct to protect him.

I'd tell Him (you probably already have) that you're disgusted with her, and leave it at that.

Smile, SheWolf, we all like you!

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i understand being angry and hurt. She hurt your pride (i don't mean it in any bad way) and K 'betrayed' his best friend, your husband. But still, we cannot correct people and bring them to the right ways, you have to respect the choices K made. Anger doesn't lead far. Expressing disappointment and leaving the ball in their court might. As hard as it is to accept, K and Laura are a couple, and you and your husband will have to come to terms with that. K might be different for awhile, but if your husband is a patient and understanding friend, K will shake it off. We all behave foolishly at times, or get fooled. Especially when we're in love. You have a big open heart, don't let laura make you feel bitter. She deserves pity, and her now husband needs a friend to fall upon, because it sounds like he may have made a big mistake and may go through rough times in his future.

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I have talked to him about this. As he has to me. We have both been very honest to each other about how this one little decision she has made has hurt us both. I have been candid ( and serious ) about wanting to approach her over this issue. His answers have all been the same.. " If you beat her as*, make sure it is muddy outside , and let her rip your clothes" Rolling Eyes

hahahah
Or he will tell me pretty much what you said Boris, " It isnt going to change her, you are not the first to feel this way twords her.. what makes you think your as* whooping is special?" ....
And ya damn right it hurt my pride. I will be the first to admit that. It hurt me MORE because I was already hurt by her as a friend. So compact the wound with this crap. > grr< But you are right. It is more K's fault then Lauras. K is a grown man, he could have said No, I want my friend here and that is final. OR.. he could have done a number of other things as well.
Ultimatly , it wasnt me who was directly damaged, it was Mr Wolf.. and that is something that him and K have to work out . I just have to pick up the pieces.

I really just want to remind laura that there are other people at the end of her tongue and she needs to watch the words that fall off of it.
( sigh)

Life goes on.. faster and better when she isnt involved. ;-)

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Let it be...

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What a pity Shewolf. Get your frustration out here. There's no profit in that kind of fight, be it verbal or physical. She may be a B!tch, but more blame should go to K for being a sissy... and even saying that to Mr. Wolf is profitless. You can't fix it and odds are, anything you tried would only make it worse or delay the recovery. Best thing you can do is please Mr. Wolf yourself, without any hint of this situation. If he wants to be alone, leave him be. If you think he'd prefer a distraction; do that special something you know he likes sooo much. Don't forget, men are pretty simple creatures. We get over this kind of thing easier than you and we're very easy to distract. :wink:

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My ex-friends behaviors have hurt my husband.

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