I'm a terrible, terrible friend. . . please help.

choices
You have to make a choice.

Your best friend, Abby, has a crush on Alex.

Alex doesn't want to be with Abby. He rejected her when she told him how she felt.

Alex has a crush on you.

On one hand, you know that Abby was hurt when Alex rejected her and would be even MORE hurt if YOU, her best friend, went after the guy she wanted. After all, you are HER friend and she has poured her heart out to you. She has shared her most intimate feelings with you. She asked you to be with her when she told Alex how she felt about him. You were there when he rejected her. If you go after the guy she has the crush on, she will feel betrayed and your friendship will probably be ruined.

On the other hand, you are encouraging Alex's crush on you. You are sitting next to him at movies. You were so tired during one movie that you fell asleep on his shoulder and you were so scared during the next movie that you needed his arm around you for comfort? Well . . . .? What the heck are you doing?

You are playing with fire. You are playing with other people's emotions.

Choose to be a friend with integrity. Don't sit there and allow Abby to pour her heart out to you when you have designs on the same guy. Either fess up that you want Alex too -- or quit encouraging his crush on you behind Abby's back.

Re: choices


That about says it all.

I honestly haven't encouraged him. Up until now, I thought this was all in the brotherly/sisterly range -- I have another guy friend like that, and that's how we behave.
I know I need to tell Abby, because she will most likely find out eventually, and I need to tell her I don't like Alex, and that I didn't do anything, but I'm scared she's going to hate me and never speak to me again.

Hmmm...if she were to do that, you'd be spared a poor friend.

I just hate confrontations. I know I need to talk to both Alex and Abby, but I don't know how.

I mean, I see how falling asleep on him and his arm around me could look suspicious. The first one: we were at a dark movie theatre, and he was talking to me, and I hadn't gotten any sleep, and it was the first time that day I hadn't had people yelling at me, so I just sort of nodded off.
2nd time with the arm: I literally couldn't move -- where would I go? the couch was full, and I couldn't move, as his arm was on me. Plus, I thought I saw something moving . . .in the dark . . .*shivers*

The very fact that you've posted here about it means you do care, which is a credit to you.

Maybe you can drop a comment to Abby about how you really don't care for this Alex guy because.....(I'm not sure why you don't like him). Doesn't have to be a serious discussion, just part of some larger conversation.

Do you need to confront Alex about how you feel? It's good to make things clear, but I think if you really don't like him That Way, he will probably understand with no words at all.

Are you Sure you don't like Alex? I don't fall asleep on the shoulders of guys I don't like, myself.

I've fallen asleep on someone's shoulder before. We had a good laugh about it afterwards. It just happens. Dull movie, you're really tired, it's dark and the seat is comfy.

I'm sure Abby won't hate you or anything. It's not like you are encouraging his behavior or being flirtatious. If she gets angry at you for his feelings, then she's not the greatest of friends. It's not like you can help what someone else thinks or feels. Maybe her crush has subsided by now, and she wouldn't even mind if you decided to take your chances with Alex. Who knows? Good luck to you!

To thine own self be true


Hi Nonny:

Words to live by: "This above all: to thine own self be true." Hamlet, by William Shakespeare.

The lesson: "Unless we can be true to ourselves first, we cannot be true to others."

You entitled this thread: "I'm a terrible, terrible friend . . . please help."

Why would you state that you're a "terrible" friend? It's an indication that you're struggling with some inner conflict.

You say: "I honestly haven't encouraged him." But, you're not being HONEST with YOURSELF. You don't want to acknowledge that you have encouraged Alex's feelings because that would be "bad" or that would make you a "terrible" friend. So you do what most people do . . . you make excuses or fabricate justifications that allow YOU to diminish your own personal responsibility for your conduct.

Your relationship with Alex does not fall into the "brotherly/sisterly" range. I, for one, have never fallen asleep on my "brother's" shoulder. I have never sat next to my brother during a scary movie with his arm around me the entire time for comfort. Claiming that you thought this was a platonic friendship situation is merely an excuse or justification. If I knew a young man had a crush on me -- and if I didn't want to encourage that crush -- I wouldn't sit next to him with his arm around me. Claiming you were "terrified" by the movie is simply another excuse or justification.

"To thine own self be true."

You can't resolve your feelings about being a "terrible" friend until you start being HONEST with yourself. You find solace in telling yourself that you "DIDN'T DO ANYTHING," but you're terrified that Abby will hate you and never speak to you again.

You're terrified that Abby will learn that Alex has a crush on you, that you KNEW Alex had a crush on you, and -- knowing what you knew -- you allowed him to put his arm around you and that you allowed him to keep his arm around you throughout the entire movie. If the movie truly scared you -- you could have clutched a pillow or covered your eyes during the really scary parts. You didn't need his arm around you for comfort. HMMMMM. So, I think you need to HONESTLY assess -- for yourself -- why you allowed this to happen so you can learn and grow as a human being, a friend, and a woman.

It's very flattering to be sought after -- to be a young woman who is desired by a young man -- but people need to learn to establish boundaries and learn what is and is not appropriate conduct in the situations that life presents on a daily basis.

If you don't like Alex in a romantic way -- if you don't want to be his girlfriend -- then don't encourage his crush on you. Maintain your distance. Don't sit next to him. Do what needs to be done. Tell Alex that you're not interested. Or do what very young people do -- Tell DAVE that you're not interested. Alex will get the message and the two of you can move on.

And then, do what a friend does . . . Help Abby to move on. Involve her in conversations and activities that don't involve Alex.

You'll be okay! You'll work through this! Life is wonderful!

Honesty is best be it with yourself or others. The fact that you're concerned about your friend's opinion means you're considering going out with him. If that's not true, there's no problem as he would be turned down. If you want to go out with him ask your friend with the explanation that someone told you he likes you. You want to know if it would affect her. If she answers yes you have to make a choice as to which you want more.

The thing is . . .Alex is a good friend of mine too. I don't want to lose 2 of my friends in one fell swoop.

I've thought about it. I honestly didn't encourage it. The moment I recognized it for what it was, I told my other good friend, and she tried to help me by sitting next to me . . .but he pushed between us. I tried to give him hints, but he won't take them.

But he also won't tell me he likes me. I've sort of hinted in that direction, but he's not going to say anything, which sort of hinders my saying anything.

You could take his arm off your shoulder. You are sending mixed signals.

I tried to move. His arm wasn't moving.

Okay, that was a crappy excuse. The truth is, I was terrified, his arm was comforting, and I really wasn't thinking about girl/guy stuff at the moment.

From a movie? Oh, really?

Nonny:

Okay . . . then what do you need help with? Why would you say you're a "terrible friend" and that you need help?

Just stick to your story. I mean, you believe your own story, don't you?

You didn't do anything wrong. Even if Dave told you that Alex likes you, Alex has never said he likes you. You didn't encourage Alex. You're not interested in Alex. You didn't allow him to sit next to you on the couch -- he just shoved himself on the couch in between you and this other girl. What could you do? There was no place else for you to sit. And when he put his arm around you -- there was nothing to it. You were just scared and he was comforting you in a brotherly way.

Abby has no reason to hate you or to never speak to you again. No problem. End of story. Time to move on!

Re: I'm a terrible, terrible friend. . . please help.



I am not saying this instance is all so terrible. But I am pointing out what I think is unclear behavior on your part so that you may be conscious of this kind of thing in the future. Girls and women need to establish in their own minds what they will accept from people at parties or elsewhere, so they aren't just armrests or some kind of victim, and that when they do accept hugs for comfort, and loving, they mean it.

Thanks for all the help -- I'm trying to define clear boundaries now, and I'm telling Abby about it. Well, not the arm, but everything else.

Oh the trials and tribulations of being a teen . . .*angsty sigh*

We understand.

Just trying to help. Learning to be honest to yourself is a first step we all had to go through the hard way, and doing that is a lifelong challenge. We're not unfamiliar with the territory!