Reply
Wed 2 Feb, 2005 03:31 pm
I'm not sure why I'm about to post this, as I've been dealing with this issue for the last 5 years, but any advice would be helpful. I'm going to remove some details, to shorten the story as much as possible, but rest assured that the removed parts aren't going to be anything that should in any way change the truth of the situation.
I was a junior in high school when I met my current GF. So, yes we are high school sweethearts. It took a year for us to truly discover how we both felt, because we weren't comfortable outside our circle of friends, but once everything started rolling, it appeared to be fantastic.
So, it's my senior year (her sophmore), and we're seeing each other on a regular basis. Everything is going good, not a lot of bumps except for when some of my guy friends would be obnoxious and say rude or derogatory comments toward other women while she was around.
I really didn't find out that the comments, made by my friends, were hurtful to her until around prom, the end of my senior year. I promptly and politely asked my friends to tone down their vulgarity when she was around. Most of them complied, but two just didn't want to and a third tried really hard but things would slip... and this is where the first problem blossoms.
My GF made it very clear that she didn't like the attitude of the two that wouldn't tone down their language. She said it was immature and that I was going to become partial to that immaturity if I maintained the friendship. She didn't deny me the friendship or give an ultimatuum, but her point was clear. So, anyways I ended up distancing myself from the two as much as I could without breaking the friendship and it appeared to have worked out.
Now, I'll skip a long period of time and place myself at the beginning of my sophmore year of college (her high school senior year). Things were starting to get more and more turbulent. We had just started having sex, after having a relationship for two years, and this brought it's own problems. She gets very concerned about her body if she feels something is wrong, so needless to say although we used condoms, she would always call me if her period was late. This caused a lot of stress for me, because I didn't need a kid, but I was obviously taking the risk. So, after about the 5th false alarm, we found out later that she was mildly allergic to latex which caused the late periods, I decided to distance the sexual encounters.
This extended period between sexual encounters lasted about 3 months, when I finally told her how I felt about the false alarms. She seemed to agree that the stress was too much and we agreed to stop; however, as time progressed, (6 months later) she became more and more upset that I wouldn't have sex. At this point, we started having some very rough arguments. I think she started to believe that my unwillingness to have sex was due to me being unattracted to her (Which wasn't true).
She would constantly ask me loaded questions like, "Do you think 'so and so' is hot?" At first I tried to deny all the questions even if the denial was false. She never would believe me, even when I was denying truthfully, so I switched to trying to ignore the questions. That didn't work and also made it worse, so I eventually just got tired of the 'game' and started telling her the truth... even if I was infact attracted to that person.
As you can imagine, this led to even more issues. She immediately started to show extreme jealousy. I kid you not, one such scenario actually happened, and really pissed me off. She begged and pleaded to see the movie 'Shallow Hal'. For some of you that may not remember, this movie had Jack Black who played as a self-obsorbed slightly overweight man who is very picky about women, and Gwyneth Paltrow who played an extremely obese woman. The movie had a very good moral standpoint, "Look at the inner beauty, not the outer.", but half-way through the movie, she starts to poke me, hit me (not hard but hard enough), and starts crying. I immediately left the theatre and proceeded to have an argument with her at how immature her jealousy was becoming.
A couple weeks later, the arguments escalate to the point where she's physically hurting herself. She would pull her hair, scratch her arms, pound on her chest, etc. I tried to stop her, but the more physicallity she produced the more forceful I had to be to stop her. I never hit her, but man I really wanted to... just to make her stop.
By this point, her mother had gotten involved... I actually involved her mother by requesting that she take her and get some help (since she wasn't 18 just yet). Her mother refused, and said that her daughter wasn't the problem... but me. I didn't believe this because I genuinely cared for her, but the arguments, physical abuse (on her part), and jealousy / insecurity continued.
During the fall of 2002, she had her first semester of college. She got involved in many organizations at the college and such. I never once thought anything of it, because I trusted her, but two months (oct.) before final exams, I found out she was going out of her way to see this individual person. She would even tell me all about it, etc. Eventually, after she had admitted to having extended phone conversations, going walking in the woods alone with him, and going to his house alone to have sex, etc, I told her it was over until she figured out what she wanted.
I took my freedom and just became content, I didn't want another relationship or anything like that, but two months later she's calling wanting me back. I sternly told her that her previous insecurity / jealousy was not going to be tolerated, and if she wanted to resume the relationship she would need to seek counseling. She agreed and so we got back together.
Now, it's 2 years later and her jealousy / insecurity has slowly been on the rise for the last year. She's starting to get as bad as before, but now my attitude is also making things worse. The problem is that I just cannot excuse her jealousy / insecurity when she's the one that cheated. I don't intentionally bring the past back, but when she's acting all jealous and insecure... instead of trying to ignore it / help the situation, I get pissed and tell her to back off... after all, she can still trust me...
Like I said, I'm not sure what to do, I care for her a lot, but I think I've gotten to the point where I'm over the stress / drama. Does anyone have a simillar situation??? Or am I really just being a sucker...?
I can relate, she reminds me almost perfectly of my high school girlfriend. And yes, you are being a sucker, but you don't really have a lot of options, since she's the one with the issues.
Your options, as I see them, are stick around and accept that you will need to tolerate her behavior, or end it completely.
It sounds like she is not ready for a relationship. And that's an important factor to consider.
Run away and don't look back. I've said this more than once on A2K but I am a firm believer that high school sweethearts should break up after high school. The reason for this is people change a lot during college and quite often you are in love with the high school version of that person... not what they have become. Sure sometimes it works out but more often then not people grow in different directions and hold on to feelings that just aren't there anymore.
That being said... it also sounds like this girl has a lot of emotional problems that she needs to work out before commiting to a relationship. I don't think it would be healthy for either one of you to be involved with each other. She is hurting herself and she is holding you back and keeping you from growing and experiencing things on your own. She needs to see a counselor and figure out why she is behaving the way she is. Since you are part of the reason she is acting that way I would suggest not being involved with her so that she can focus on what is wrong.
Hun move on. if all the above is true then you oviously have it more together than she does and really need to count yourself lucky that she didn't end up pregnant. My advice she broke the bond when she cheated, it was her choice. Now it is your choice to either stay or go and if you do choose to stay then the past is squashed and you start new.
That is a very hard thing to do because as you may know when you get mad all that will come back and when trust is broken it is hard to gain again. I think you should of ran when she started pulling her hair out. The fact that you didn't should of showed that you cared that much. I think there are other things going on with her elseware, that had nothing to do with you. There is this radio dj, I think his name is Tom likcus or something. Anhow he is pretty much a jerk lol but he does have some very good pointers for guys. Now I know there are a lot of females that will disagree cause as I said he is kind of jerkish but if you really listen to some of the things he says they do make sence. he calls it Likcus 101 sort of rules for men to protect themself from females like the one you were dating. Not sure if it's in a book or just online but ya might wanna check it out. Laterss.
I agree with Scoats. It's her problem not yours. However, since you aren't in this relationship alone you need to make a decision.
You said you don't drag up the past but it seems like you are not over it based on your comment " The problem is that I just cannot excuse her jealousy / insecurity when she's the one that cheated. I don't intentionally bring the past back, but when she's acting all jealous and insecure... instead of trying to ignore it / help the situation, I get pissed and tell her to back off... after all, she can still trust me... "
And who can blame you. If I was cheated on, that would be it. No trust, no relationship. It takes years to build trust and only seconds to destroy it.
It sounds like she's afraid you might reciprocate and cheat on her because then it would "even the playing field" so to speak. Of course, this isn't true but when desperate we think of crazy rationale.
My suggestion? Get out. She is provoking you into arguments. She is intentionally backing you into corners. And if you never take any advice, at least hear this: Nothing you will ever say to her will be the right thing to say Example: You say you don't think so and so is hot; she accuses you of lying. You say you do think so and so is hot; she accuses you of secretly wanting that person. A healthy relationship is based on mutual respect. You obviously want to make her happy but nothing you do short of cutting yourself off from the world, poking your eyeballs out and attaching yourself to her to be available for her beck and call will make this girl stop. And even then, it's hard to say. She might want out and not know how to do it.
At any rate, what is happening here is unhealthy.
Run away and don't look back,
Oh yeah someone already said that.... LISTEN
Will she see a therapist if you ask her to? I think she really needs to work on her problems. If she doesn't, she won't be happy with you or anyone else.
I'd strongly encourage her to work on herself. But you can't MAKE her, unfortunately. I don't think she'll get better without professional help.
I think you've handled this very difficult situation extraordinarily well for someone your age. Then again, we only have your side of the story!
Why the big reaction to "Shallow Hal?" Did she think you were like him? Not that important, just curious.
Bella Dea wrote:
At any rate, what is happening here is unhealthy.
That just about sums it up. It sounds like she has a long history of insecurity and self esteem issues. The fact that her parents thought you were the problem and wouldn't get her any help speaks volumes. Chances are she didn't get much support from them for any of her insecurities and they've gone unchecked for years. She really could benefit from some therapy but you can't force someone to get help. Even if you were to tell her she had to stay in therapy in order to stay in your relationship she wouldn't be doing it for the right reasons. She has to want to get help for herself, not for you, in order for it to be effective.
I agree with JP that people change dramatically after high school. I don't see her getting over her issues without some longterm help and I don't see you forgetting her past. It's sad but probably for the best if you go with your instincts and make the break.
Thanks for all the support everyone
------------------------------------------
Quote:Why the big reaction to "Shallow Hal?" Did she think you were like him? Not that important, just curious.
The movie had some scenes that she felt were inappropriate, and she became jealous. Didn't have anything to do with me personally, but it never fails... If I take her to see a movie and that movie has even the slightest touch of sex or even sexual innuendo, she gets jealous.
She also becomes jealous of other actresses - like Angelina Jolee: My father likes her, as an actress and maybe for other reasons, but it doesn't bother my mother. However, if I make a comment about seeing a movie and she's in it... I better watch out - and chances are, I don't get to see it.
------------------------------------------
Quote:Chances are she didn't get much support from them for any of her insecurities and they've gone unchecked for years.
She has had a troubled younger life. I don't want to give any details, but the usual trouble a young female has with a male. Also, she did have family problems ...
-------------------------------------------
Quote:Will she see a therapist if you ask her to?
She has gone to see a counselor; however, they would only meet once every two months, and usually when they would meet, they would talk about her current life / relationship. I've told her repeatedly that she needs counseling on her previous problems, but what can you do when you only meet the counselor once a month?
It lasted for about 6 months (3 visits) and then she had to transfer to a 4 yr. university and has fallen by the way side. I try to encourage her to go and see a different counselor near her college, but she doesn't want to.
One word, Polyurethane.
Oh, and ditto to what everybody else said.
Snowlock wrote:Quote:Why the big reaction to "Shallow Hal?" Did she think you were like him? Not that important, just curious.
The movie had some scenes that she felt were inappropriate, and she became jealous. Didn't have anything to do with me personally, but it never fails... If I take her to see a movie and that movie has even the slightest touch of sex or even sexual innuendo, she gets jealous.
She also becomes jealous of other actresses....
This is weird, Snowlock. Not as bad as striking oneself, but to me it's another indication of problems that just can't be solved without her really wanting to solve them.
Snowlock wrote:Quote:Will she see a therapist if you ask her to?
She has gone to see a counselor; however, they would only meet once every two months, and usually when they would meet, they would talk about her current life / relationship. I've told her repeatedly that she needs counseling on her previous problems, but what can you do when you only meet the counselor once a month?
It lasted for about 6 months (3 visits) and then she had to transfer to a 4 yr. university and has fallen by the way side. I try to encourage her to go and see a different counselor near her college, but she doesn't want to.
-----------------------------------------------
Not a good sign, and this is the worst news of all.
Given these facts, you might want to begin extracting yourself from this relationship. As a mom might say, I think you can do better.
It will no doubt be difficult to get out of this relationship, but the alternative is to continue to be with someone who's guaranteed to make you unhappy.
Please don't waste your time with someone who makes you miserable. You never know when you'll get run over by a truck, or whatever....life is too short for unnecessary suffering.
Best of luck to you, and try to laugh as much as possible!
BorisKitten wrote:
Please don't waste your time with someone who makes you miserable. You never know when you'll get run over by a truck, or whatever....life is too short for unnecessary suffering.
Amen to that! You've got a limited amount of time on your hands... if you had tickets to see a really great concert you wouldn't make yourself stand outside, barely able to hear the music, until the last 10 minutes of the concert.
Life is far more important so why are you standing outside in the cold, possibly missing the greatest concert ever? (that is, life) Life is a symphony; God's greatest work. Be a part of it; don't just listen.
"Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire."
Cheesy country song but it's true. What's the point if you don't enjoy it?
And remember that alone, heartache and happiness don't mean anything but have one without the other and you can't understand either. You can't understand true happiness without knowing what it's like to NOT have it.
I would definitely escape... she is -controlling- of you, something no one that behaves as you do (you seem to act very civil and kind towards her
) deserves that.
She persuades you to abandon your friends, and even bans you from seeing certain movies...? That is unnatural, and unhealthy for both of you. She is trying to mold and control you to make you fit -her- idea of a perfect companion. Never stay with a woman that won't allow you to be yourself. Her irrational jealousy issues are trying to *convert* and *change* you, two very bad things. If she truly loved you and everything you were, she wouldn't have to change you to be happy with you.
It's obvious that she doesn't trust you. From the cheating, I don't even think she trusts *herself*. If she refuses to continue seeking help and counseling for her problems, DO NOT cling to and try to support a broken ship. It's going to keep sailing, and you're going to keep drowning further and further as it goes down over time.
You can't repair someone that doesn't want to be saved
Escape, is my advice
Your patience with her is admirable, but after all of this, you deserve better.
I don't want to give-up just yet, I mean I've devouted 5 years to this relationship, and I think it deserves a chance. I'm going to try and persuade her to seek counseling by offering to go with her.
I think I need some counseling as well, I mean I used to be so empathetic to her needs / desires, but after she has cheated, I almost have no care, but yet I still think the relationship could work if she got some help.
Like two weekends ago, she asked a question concerning 'soul mates'. We've never really had this conversation... on a serious level, but I was honest with her and basically told her that i don't truthfully believe there's only one person for someone. I said that I prefer to think of it as that you can find someone that means enough that you forsake the rest, but I won't go as far to say that there's only one person in this world that can make me happy.
I said it almost word for word like I typed, of course you don't have any voice or emotional feedback to guide you, but I didn't think that was negative or derogatory, but she definately took it that way. She got her feelings hurt, started to cry and then proceeded to chew me out. I tried to calm her down by apologizing for hurting her feelings, but it just didn't work. Eventually we dropped the subject; however last weekend she asked my best friend the same question about 'soul mates'.
My best friend is a devout catholic and he certainly believes in 'soul mates'. He feels that God put two people on earth for each other, but he ended up defending me by saying that I still loved her, and 'soul mates' is just a term... people should define the relationship based on the emotions present, not some term. She got upset once again, started crying.
I mean what am I supposed to say???? I said what I believed, yet she doesn't want to hear it. She approaches my friend, he defends me in a way, and she still gets frustrated and upset... like I don't love her or something. I mean I understand that you need to show the other person feelings and emotion for them to KNOW you love them, but my gosh... what do you have to do? Lie and tell them something you don't believe in? Then it's a catch 22.
*sigh*
I don't believe that you need counseling. You seem to have handled being cheated on *very* well. For many, it takes them years to recover, if they ever do. I don't see anything monumentally wrong, unless you're weary of it bothering you.
Don't lie about something as serious a concept as "soulmates" o_o If she is distraught, reassure her that you love her regardless, and that no one is more important than her, etc. Maybe all she needs is some hugs and love when she is upset like that... If she refuses to accept that, just let her be upset. Because there's nothing you can honourably do... honesty is -still- always better, because nothing hurts more than a pretty lie.
However, I do have one thing I advise: Don't feel pressured to stay in a relationship only because of how much time you invested. If chances are high that it won't work out, you're only -adding- to your sentence. Time means nothing compared to happiness and honest, compassionate and healthy love. If the relationship is troubling, and it hasn't been able to be fixed for 5 years, that sends a message that it may be doomed. Sometimes people are just too unmatched.. :/
My point is, if you come to a point where you can't stand it anymore, don't stay only because you've been with her for so long. Time means nothing compared to a lifetime of happiness later, whether it's with her or someone else.
I thought the same. If you can forgive someone for cheating on you, then you can forgive them of anything, which shows a lot of character, IMO.
Stumble It!
Tweet This
Bookmark on Delicious
Share on Facebook
Share on MySpace