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Mon 31 Jan, 2005 11:56 pm
I broke up with my girlfriend in December of last year. We didn't end on the best of terms - it was pretty bad. Anyways, I'll go on and tell my story:
We first met through our church: we both got involved in the music and both joined around the same time. This was around 3 or so years ago. Before me, she went out with this guy who was a friend of mine at the time, but he left after about 6 months. After they broke up, we slowly began getting really close. I'm not sure how it exactly happened: I think it started when she emailed me at work once, and then we started talking on the phone. So each day, we would email each other constantly. At the time, I was only looking for her friendship. She was becoming one of those close friends that I love hanging round. She was also taking summer courses near where I worked, so every week she'd come visit me for lunch and I'd drive her back home at the end of the day. On weekends, a whole bunch of us would usually gather at my place to watch movies.
But something happened that I would never forget. One day, (I think it was a weekend), my parents sat me down and gave me a long chat about reasons not to be around her. They ABSOLUTELY hated her. She's one of those people who are incredibly affectionate to whom she loves. For example, my parents saw how she was "hanging" off her last bf when they were over. They also said that she was loud and obnoxious as well. They made me promise that I would never start anything with her EVER or else they'd a] kick me out of the house b] write me out of the will c] drain my bank account. But the complete opposite happened. Something did start, and we had to go out behind my parent's back for a little under 4 months. Even before going out, I had to lie about where I was going just to see her.
Let me just say the time I spent with her was absolutely amazing. I just don't know how to describe it. But after a while, I felt as though her attention had started to wane. A guy started hitting on her but she wouldn't say "no" to him, rather would make excuses not to go out with him. At first I thought it was a confrontational issue (she's not good with it), but soon she started talking about him more and more, I got kinda frustrated. So I told her about it and she got upset that "I didn't trust her." But I always felt that I had to compete for her attention. She has tons of guy friends and is very flirty (you know the touchy, feely sorta person).
Around exam season, we broke up. She first said something to the effect that she doesn't have the same feelings for me anymore but she didn't want to break up. I was heartbroken. I didn't know what to do. To think I've helped her with school, with all her problems and this is what I get in return. I lied in bed not sleeping. Then the next morning, I decided to tell my parents I wanted to start something with her. They went absolutely ballistic. My rationale behind it was that would be way too scared to get back together with her: I would ultimately stop pursuing her. I told her about this and she got really mad. I've always believed that a relationship should be based upon openness and honesty. I told her what my parents said about her. She ended up REALLY hurt. To this day, I still feel guilty about what I said to her even though they weren't my words. I feel that this is ALL my fault and at times, I kinda regret even going out with her because of all the heartache it's caused. Had I kept my mouth shut, things might have been better. At least we could have ended on better terms. There are still days when I miss what we had, even before going out: the friendship we shared may have been lost forever. Should I feel this guilty about this? (Sorry for the massive post)
Ah, I kind of don't think so. I get the feeling you thought she was sort of keeping her options open with this other guy. Anyway, so it seems to me, if not to you. It's just possible she was waiting for an excuse to blow up, break up, and move along. If that's the case, she would have found something else, if this hadn't come up.
No, I don't think you should be feeling much guilt. That doesn't go away, of course, but it does seem like she was in charge of the break up, not you.
You don't happen to know if this is typical of her, do you?
The thing was, we broke up a month prior to the big break up. I was having some issues at home and she wanted me to solve them. So in that was she was in charge of the break up as well. For me, I truly thought that no matter what, I would stick by her.
I remember a time when I like someone before that goes to our same church too. One day this other girl was playing the piano and she couldn't get the song right. I said "I will learn the song for you." My gf asked me later that night what I meant about that. She knew about me liking this girl before, but it was the past. I was totally committed to my gf and I would let nothing would come between us.
But I guess I felt "what was the point of lying anymore." Do you know what I mean?
I can't help but think your parents were right about this person.
It sounds like you were already breaking up by the time you told her their feelings. I think you're probably better off without her, and I really don't think you'd still be friends even if you had NOT told her about your parents' feelings.
That said, of course my comments are not based on the Real picture, just what I've read here.
I wouldn't bother feeling guilty about this, if I were you. Even if you felt you made a mistake, all you can do is resolve to do better next time. You can't go back and change the past, and beating yourself up won't help you or her at all.
My guess is she's busy with her next bf, and isn't feeling badly about anything in the past. Follow her example.
Best of luck to you in the future! You sound like a nice and thoughtful person.
No, don't feel guilty, Disco. You treated your friend with consideration. Through no fault of yours she decided against a relationship. Nothing to feel guilty about there. I feel for you, though: It's a shame that your parents were so heavy-handed about your choices in your personal life. That must make things a bit hard in terms of leading your own life.
My last boyfriend's mom (before my hubby) told him she thought I was a tramp. And he told me. I wasn't mad at him because he isn't his mother but it made me realize that a life with this guy was not going to happen. It is possible to be with someone when you don't get a long with their family but it is hard. Ask any of the members here who deal with nasty inlaws. Not to mention, disliking and hating are two very different things.....you're parents were out of line here in my opinion. They should have expressed their concern for you but never told you flat out that they hated her.
Don't feel guilty for what your parents say. They are their own people. And if she can't understand that it isn't your opinion, she isn't worth it.
Thanks guys for you input. Over the last few days, she still calls me to help her with things and I really don't know why, but I feel that if I want to preserve the relationship, I have to do these things. We really don't talk anymore, rather she only phones if she needs something.
Disco wrote:We really don't talk anymore, rather she only phones if she needs something.
That should be your red flag. Get out while you still can.
My impression is you had some bad timing. Letting her know you care when signs are it's about to stop doesn't make sense. Better to have told her earlier. Guilt is not the important thing here. If she asks for help then help. You don't do this for gain but because you care. If there's mistrust on either side or both let it die a natural death. So be it.
If we didn't make mistakes we wouldn't be human. This is a learning experience. Treat it as such.
Good input here -- one thing I would add is that it seems like you did the classic reverse psychology/ rebellion thing. Your parents told you not to see her, you went right after her. It sounds like your own feelings for her might have been obscured under the parent/child dynamic.
May I ask how old you are? If you're college age or older, I'd suggest doing your utmost to get out of your parents' house before you start a new relationship.
Not much new to add except to say I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. Your parent's opinion is theirs, not yours and it doesn't seem to have influenced your feelings about her. Look at what you were willing to risk to be with her.
The fact that the relationship didn't work out is just the way it goes some times. I don't agree with what your parents said but I don't think you should feel bad for using their words to help put some closure on your breakup.
As an aside, my ex-inlaws didn't like me at first either. I was almost 5 years younger than my then bf and his parents didn't like me, my family, my religion, my age or anything else about me and insisted he not see me. We got married three years later and they refused to attend the wedding because it was not being held in a Catholic Church. They had four other children and a few years later they asked my husband to be the executor of their estate because of all the children's spouses they'd decided that I was the least likely to interfer with their wishes. They had done a complete turnaround about me but it took time. Sometimes parents butt in where they don't belong but it's possible to sway them over with time.
Ugh, keeps getting worse
I had a talk with my folks before this. They gave me a huge talk about their experiences with people who are like my ex, which ultimately led to disaster. I can't help but feel that they were right all along and I guess I really don't know myself well enough to know what I want.
But at the time, it felt so right. It was her that started this relationship (or wanted it at least). All I wanted was her friendship. To me, a strong and meaningful relationship doesn't stem from infatuation or a crush...rather growth of friendship. That's what our relationship was to me. But I guess it wasn't how she saw it. Right now, I'm feeling terrible because she was my best friend before this all started. Not only have I lost a girlfriend, but my best friend.
Also, I would like to add that I'm not trying to bad mouth her. She's a really sweet person. I was about to do so much for her but now not so much. But she has a side tp her that's sometimes really scary.
I also don't think I was getting much out of the relationship too. I mean, she was getting my help for school, a shoulder to cry on, and I was ALWAYS there to comfort her. Looking back, I never once asked her for something. Sure there were the times we went out to dinner and movies, but I never directly asked for anything. Does she seem needy to you?
Disco wrote: Looking back, I never once asked her for something.
I've always asked Best Friends for something, sometime, as they have asked me. Just an observation.
I really miss how we used to talk so much. Every day, we'd stay up so late talking about each other's day. It's been almost 2 months since we broke it off yet I still feel a sense of emptiness. I think she's making the move on her previous love interest of whom I know will NOT go out with her because he said no before.
Oh, and also, she goes around telling people that this is all MY fault. In truth, if she hadn't said what she said to me, NONE of this would have happened. I got really upset after someone told me that.
I would really appreciate some advice from the ladies out there....
Well, I'm a lady, or a woman, if you will.....A grown-up usually doesn't go around telling folks this is all the other person's fault. It takes 2 to make a relationship, please keep that in mind!
I'm sorry for your sadness, but at least you can count it as a learning experience. I guess I've mentioned before that your parents, whatever their reasons, might have been correct in their assesment of her.
Do you have other friends you can spend time with? Even chatting with folks on A2K helps a lot, at least for me. Maybe you can check out some of the other forums & see if anything interests you.
Any local clubs or organizations you can get involved in? Helping other people really helps with our own problems, more than you'd imagine.
I think you should look towards your future, and focus on the things that can make you happy. None of us can change the past, but guilt won't help you or anyone else.
Best of luck & happiness to you!
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