Did you see Dr. Phil today?

Good vent...adoptions are fraught with dangers but they're so important for the little ones.

I'm so sorry I can't lend any advice to you boomer, but please know that my heart truly goes out to you.

(((BIG HUGS)))

No it isn't boomerang. My child was taken from her biological
Mother because she severely neglected her. Her rights
were taken away from her.

During the first year, little Jane has lived with me before
adoptions were finalized, I have had similar fears as you
have. I could not have imagined that anyone would take
her from me, these thoughts were giving me panic attacks,
and when I finally signed the adoption papers, I just
was tremendously relieved.

I know what you're going through and what you fear the
most - my heart goes out to you boomerang, you're one
brave woman.

Thank you all.

I'm having one of those panic attacks today, CJane. And I know you know what it is like. I hope for the same resolution you found but knowing that one telephone call resets our adoption clock just makes me sick at my stomach.

But knowing it does happen, that there are happy endings, really does help. Especially today.

I just get so frustrated.

And scared.

And mad.

Really, us Verbs need to band together and try to find some equal protection within the law.

Equal consideration.

Something.

As I sat there watching that show today I could see myself in those people's shoes. That could be me.

I should never ever turn on the TV.

boomerang, is there a possibility that you could speak
to Mo's parents to relinquish their parental rights?
It would bring closure to all of you, and you would have
reassurance that Mo can't be ever taken from you.

I'm afraid as time goes on, your fears will increase.
You could leave the TV off, but it won't solve anything
either, the fear stays with you.

I absolutely agree with you, boom. And not only should adoptive parents have more rights, but I believe judges should put the best interests of the child before any "natural parent's" claim. I cannot believe it would be in any child's best interests to be removed from a stable, loving home. Certainly not after 3-1/2 years. And particularly not to be given to someone who once gave them up. What was that judge thinking?!

I think that Mo is one lucky little critter having you and Mr. B. as parents, Boomerang. I hope you have yourselves covered legally ... it's a maze out there.

Big hugsss from one adoptive parent to an other. it will be ok. you are right you are the parent. The parent is the one that stood up to take the child in. The one who gives them hugs and holds them. They are not born of our womb but are raised in our hearts.

I can't really offer advice on adoption matters...but I can give you moral support. Hang in there! <<hugs>> Moe is so lucky to have a Mom like you.

Thank you all again. I really need some good wishes tonight. I might still pull all of my hair out but at least I'll know that there are people out there in support.

You know the really weird thing?

I'm sitting there watching this show thinking - it's good that they are telling people about the weirdness this can involve.

Then I'm thinking there are these bio-parents out there watching too. They didn't want to raise their kids when it interfered with their lives but now they are seeing this stuff and thinking - "oh! The law is really on my side. Maybe I'll just wait until it suits me and I'll go demand my kid back - to hell with what the kid or anyone else feels about it."

It took us a long time to find a lawyer who didn't just laugh us out of his office but, with his help, we have pursued this to the fullest extent that the law allows - and that is pretty far in Oregon.

I think Mo's bio-mom would agree to terminate her rights -- but not until Mo's dad's rights are terminated.

He won't willingly terminate his rights to "MY SON".

Really, it has more to do with them not wanting the other one to have him than it does with Mo or his well being. Both are afraid that if they terminate that the other will waltz in and claim custody.

We have to go for a year without hearing from him before we can start the process of having his rights terminated. Even then, the court could still refuse to do so.

His genetic contribution outweighs everything else, it seems.

I'm wandering. I'm rambling.

I hear these stories and I think "there but by the grace of God go I" and I pray that God is one graceful bastard and I wonder if he'd take me up on it if I offered to pay for his ballet lessons.

I am curious whether anyone saw that show today though.

That kid crying "I don't wanna go." and the parents trying to explain that there was nothing they could do and the look of horror on that woman's face when the doorbell rang.....

Man. It broke my heart.

I understand that the judge followed the law but those laws need to change.

Sure do.

Can't imagine watching that -- I could barely read it, and i'm firmly in bioland.

More hugs.

I'm sure you've covered all the bases, Boomerang, but is there any possibility of the bio-parents being declared unfit? I think they're unfit just based on their cavalier attitude toward their son, but maybe brushes with the law, alcohol/drug use, etc. that a PI might be able to document, then build a case, and present it to them in either-or terms. Kind of an overwhelming push-shove.

It's not about their feelings or any relationship you have with them. It's all about the kid.

Sorry if I'm lecturing. Guess I've heard too many Dr. Laura segments.

Here is the irony: they are showing their "fitness" by letting someone else raise him.

I'll bet money that the two couples on Dr. Phil's show dealt with that exact same thing.

His father was once arrested for violating a restraining order but that is the only brush with the law either parent has had.

Because we were able to get it into the courts and obtain a judgement for custody Mo's parents will have to jump through some serious hoops should they decide they want him back.

In about another 6 months we can start having his father's rights terminated - we have to go for at least a year without hearing from him. One phone call, one bump into him at the grocery store and the clock is reset for another year. Even at that point he could probably challenge it and win.

Lecture away, it helps me think things through.

Bio-land is a great place to be, sozobe! Every child should be as wanted and loved as the sozlet.

When they are not wanted and loved by their bio-family is when biology should stop mattering.

I think most parents bio or not feel this way but our laws do not reflect this.

Yep.

I agree that it should be harder for biological parents to change their minds and have a child returned to them.

I hope it all works out for you and I'm sorry you have to go through so much turmoil before things can settle down.

We had friends over last night and the topic turned to our extended families. On my side, I have a nephew (late 20's) who impregnated a high school senior. She gave birth a while back, but he's not sure if he's going to marry her. His friends are advising him to wait and see if "things work out." On my wife's side, we have a divorced niece with two small kids and one on the way by an ex-boyfriend. She's currently single -- a waitress, I think. Her brother is also divorced (no kids by his first wife) but he has impregnated someone with no intentions of marrying her. I think he's been promoted to assistant manager of the pizza shop where he works. They have another brother who is divorced and has two kids by that union. We attended his second wedding last summer (under my protest ... big church affair even though the new bride was quite visibly pregnant.) Our guests detailed similar stories, no divorces because no one bothered to get married, but lots of babies and transient "fathers" and lack of diplomas and dead-end jobs and sometimes even no driver's licenses because that would require an actual effort, I guess. We're not talking about high school kids in backseats ... these are adults in their mid/late 20's.

What-the-heck's going on? Every gas station restroom I visit still sells condoms in a variety of colors and flavors, and Planned Parenthood now actually has a drive-through window ... "Would you like to Biggie-Size that pkg. of birth control pills?" Personal responsibility doesn't really take a helluva lot of effort anymore.

I get concerned because these people are not just screwing up their lives, they're creating problems that increase exponentially with each generation and affect the entire society.

You get high marks for caring -- against all odds -- and saving one young man.

I was born in 1960 so I am certainly in time and in deed a child of the sexual revolution.

And the divorce revolution. My parents were the weirdos that stayed married when everyone else's were getting divorced.

And my parents were bohemian!

My parents opened their house and their arms to everyone but they truly circled the wagons when it came to their kids.

My family has thrown their hearts and souls at Mo.

Even my sister, the social worker, the big beliver in bio-family sings a different tune now.

Nobody would have loved Mo, and the event of Mo, more than my dad. Nobody would have appreciated Mo.... and me.... like dad. Nobody would have understood it all as well as dad would have. Nobody would have been more bewildered at the fact that someone could walk away from their child.

My dad died 47 days before Mo was born.

So thank you Whooda, for sounding like dad.

Even when we disagree, maybe especailly when we disagree, I can hear his voice in your.

And when we agree? That's magic.

B: You hear a lot of frustration from me on this subject, because my wife and I have no kids. You may or may not know the reason, but it was a choice. I think our kids would have had pretty good lives, but there would have been times that we were barely able to scrape through ... and no kid deserved to be along for that part of the ride. Neither of us is a martyr, it's just the way things turned out.

I think you know what I do for a living ... today is Monday and Monday's are hell ... because so many kids have just had a full dose of their parents' screwed-up lives. I lower the bar on Mondays ... just about anything goes.

Thanks for the kind words. I hope you hang in there and continue to give Mo the kind of life every kid deserves.