I think I regret getting married

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I can't really say for sure why I'm even posting this, because I know no one can give me some magic answer or response; I guess I've just always been the type of person who gets relief of some sort by writing down what's on my mind...

I'm just about to turn 24 and was married about 3 months ago. DH and I lived together for a year and a half prior to that and have now been a couple for almost 5 years. Before getting married, I was very anxious and hesitant about it in the weeks prior to the wedding, but I shrugged it off as cold feet. However, those feelings have not gone away, and I find myself very resentful toward my husband about it. The feelings are regret and feeling like I've given up my chance to be young, date, have excitement, etc.

DH and I hardly have sex anymore - not because of him, but because of me. I do not want to. I feel he is the best friend I could ever ask for, but I do not want to be intimate with him. I find myself flirting with other men, or at least WANTING to flirt with other men, and I'm very angry to know that I can never date again, or experience that feeling of "new" love again. My lack of interest in sex stops with DH. I AM attracted to other guys, though I have never acted on those feelings nor cheated on anyone in my life.

I'm wondering if I am, in fact, too young to be married? I feel like I'm finally finding out who I am, making friends easier than I've ever made before, establishing a career for myself...

Not to ramble too much, but I was always shy. I never really went out and had fun. I had boyfriends and close friends, but I didn't party or have a LOT of friends. Now, for some reason, opportunities to do those things are presenting themselves, but I can't do them because I'm someone's "wife." My DH just doesn't "do it" for me. But I know that if we didn't get married, we'd still be together... it's not like we'd have broken up or anything. But I don't know if I stay with him because I love him or if it's because I love the conveniences that come along with having him as a partner (a nice house, new cars, etc.). He's a fantastic human being, but I'm just not happy to be married...

This probably makes me sound so shallow, and like I said, I know there's not really any "answer," but I guess the question anyway is, "Is this normal?" Is it normal to regret getting married so soon after doing so? Do cold feet last into the marriage? Or did I make a big mistake... should this man have been my friend and not my husband... Do phases like this regularly occur in marriage and then pass?

Thanks for giving me a forum in which to vent. At the least, it feels good to admit these feelings, even though they are feelings that make me feel ashamed. Embarrassed

Thanks, all.

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Did you just want the wedding? The fantasy of married life draws in a lot of people.

The reverend that married my hubby and I said that there will be times when you ask yourself why in the heck you married this person! However, that is short lived and followed by all the reasons you did marry him/her.

I am curious, as to what things you can't do because you are "someone's wife".

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leave him. If you wont have sex with him, I don't see why he wants you around.

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Kristie,

Thanks for responding.

Sorry for jumbling my thoughts... I have so many that I am not sure how to organize them correctly.

What I meant was that I feel like I missed out on dating, on meeting other people. This is the only serious relationship I've ever really had, and now I find myself second-guessing whether he is "the one." By "things I can't do because I'm someone's wife," I suppose I meant "date." I don't mean that I want to get around or anything, just that I'm having a hard time dealing with the finality of it all. I miss the excitement I guess.

I'm hoping you are right, that this is just some funk that I'm going through. I can go on and on about why I married this man, but I guess it's just a bad tendency to focus on bad instead of good.

Thanks again for responding.

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After 5 years and you are just now posing this question? What qualities in "the one" is it that he lacks and would you trade him to get it?

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The excitment shouldn't be gone when you get married. I still get a tingle in my bottom when my husband grabs me and gives me the dip n' kiss. You know, the wrap his arms around you, dip you and kiss you like he'll die without you kiss. Smile

I also still get excited when we go out on our dates. My hubby and I have been married

Maybe you shouldn't be with this man. You are the only one who can decide if you want him as your husband. You took a vow to forsake all others. Either live by those vows or divorce and let him find someone who will. (and you too of course)

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Quote:

I'm wondering if I am, in fact, too young to be married?

Yup. You have been with this guy since you are nineteen. The years between adolescence and adulthood, bring with it some great changes. You never had the opportunity to compare, to really learn what you want. You and your husband may be maturing in different directions.

But you are already married. There must have been a good reason for the two of you to stay together for so long. Problem is, the reality of "'til death do us part" is finally hitting you".

My suggestion is for the two of you to talk this out, and go into marriage counselling. Many young couples have gotten through the stage of post-marital "cold feet". Maybe you will too. And maybe you won't. But you need to understand yourself, and your marriage, before years pass, and children complicate the picture. Get going, and good luck!

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Sounds something like 'post wedding blues'. Life is becoming mundane again after the euphoria and exitement of the wedding plans and the event. You've had a lot of attention focused on you recently...everyone loves a bride?

Now you've settled down and routine has become the norm. It's not unusual to go through a phase like this. I'd say tell him how you feel (but not the bit about not fancying him anymore...spare his ego, and don't knock HIS confidence). If you really want to make a go of it. He sounds like a nice man who will listen. If you can't sort it, then seek counselling.

If you don't want to make a go of it - leave.

I can't help feeling sorry for him, he must be very confused by your behaviour.

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Sorry - didn't read the bit about five years - tired! Embarrassed

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You sound somewhat similar to my wife. However, she had a wild dating life before we got married, and experienced a lot of relationships, partying. For her, she may have phases or wanting that lifestyle again, but cannot fully because of the marriage. You'll need variety and change, and people will always grow in different directions.

The only problem for me that we would not be able to work out is interest in other men (which sounds like what you have). Otherwise, you should be able to communicate and get what you want thorugh compromise within the context of marriage.

Counseling is always helpful. Have you told your husband about any of these feelings, or is this the first time you have vented about it?

There's also a related thread about "The Myth of Getting Married Too Young" that might help.

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Have you tried going on dates with your husband? Probably have, eh? Sometimes I'll be out with DH and suddenly be able to see him as a stranger would, which is great fun. This never happens just sitting around at home (for me).

Meeting new women friends, and doing stuff with them, can also lend some "excitement," and is perfectly harmless.

Wish you the best of luck!

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Thanks, all.

We don't really "get out" much, which might be part of the problem. I'm so tired of sitting at home... when I finally have the opportunity to out and have fun, it seems that he's not interested. We're one of those "opposites attract" sort of couples, and maybe I'm just now seeing the cons of such an arrangement.

We have talked about my feelings, and I totally appreciate that he lets me be so frank without getting upset with me. He's extremely understanding. Counseling is a great idea, and I'm not sure why it hasn't occurred to me before.

Whatever the source of these feelings, we're definitely going to try to work through them.

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I had very similar thoughts to yours when I was 24 although I had already been married for 5 years by then and in my relationship with my husband for 8 years. I was extremely depressed about my feelings. My boss at the time suggested I read the book, "Passages", by Gail Sheehy. It describes predictable life crises in adults. Just like there are phases of development during childhood, Sheehy believes we continue to go through phases of development as adults. The 'crisis' points in women tend to be around mid-decade and late-decade in men. I have made major life changes at 24, 34, and 44. I wasn't waiting for a magic number, it just worked out that way. My first husband had his first life 'crisis' at 28. My current husband was 28 when he married me and 38 when he had a significant mid-life event. According to Sheehy these are all predictable and commonplace.

I'm not trying to say that you should stay or leave your relationship but, even though the examples are dated, reading the book might help you feel better about how you're feeling now.

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Quote:

I was extremely depressed about my feelings. My boss at the time suggested I read the book, "Passages", by Gail Sheehy.

My wife and I want to read this. There is a New Passages book released by the same author in 1996. Are you familiar with that one as well? Maybe we can have a whole other thread about this book after some people read it.

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if the feeling that you might be missing something better out there is the only problem that you have in this relationship, then by all means do stay. you sound like you already know most of this and just need to talk it out, good for you. i do think that you are just being negative, focusing on all that you have lost by getting married and on all that doesn't work. that is bound to cause anxiety. my man of 8 years left for just those same reasons, and i still think it was a big mistake -running away instead of working on the relationship that was otherwise great. soooo, what i'm saying is that maybe this is more of your personal problem rather than a relationship problem. and sure, counseling can always help. i hope you will work it out for the best for both of you.

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DestinysDad wrote:

Quote:
I was extremely depressed about my feelings. My boss at the time suggested I read the book, "Passages", by Gail Sheehy.

My wife and I want to read this. There is a New Passages book released by the same author in 1996. Are you familiar with that one as well? Maybe we can have a whole other thread about this book after some people read it.

Yes, I've read this one as well. It is more focused on middle age than the twenties through forties of the original 'Passages'. It kind of takes over where the other one leaves off.

There's also one specifically for men that was very helpful when my husband was going through his, 'Oh my God, I'm almost 40' stage

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@1863sd,

Thank you so much for sharing this. I just got married two weeks ago and I am only 21. So obviously oppurtunities are presenting themselves to me. I love the responses you have gotten. Two questions; how did you manage to wait 2 months to speak your mind about this to anyone? And are you two still married? I notocd this was posted a while back.

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I think I regret getting married

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