avoidant/borderline personality

Hi,

I have never sought treatment, but I do know I suffer at least a mild avoidant personality problem, or disorder if you prefer.

I was shy as a child, was the youngest and smallest child in my class through gradeschool, so did not mature at the same rate as the rest of my peers, which made me feel a little bit "behind" everyone else.

In middle school and high school, my mother exhibited very strong mood swings, and from one day to the next I never knew when I got home from school if she would be in a good mood and nice to me, or in a bad mood and very emotionally/verbally abusive to me. Browsing the bpdcentral.com web site, some of the symptoms they describe, sound a lot like my mother when I was an adolescent. I learned to lock myself in my room and hide, but it didn't do any good because if she was in a mood to abuse someone, she would seek me out, pounding on my door to come out. It seemed like I was the chosen target, and although my father and 3 younger brothers doubtless suffered from being in this atmosphere, I was the oldest child, and only daughter, and I don't know if that is why she singled me out or not. Anyway, the rejection and abuse from my mother has made me very wary of getting close to anyone. I had (and still have) difficulty forming friendships, and I often found myself rejecting offers of friendship (especially from potential boyfriends) just as a knee-jerk reaction of fear, I don't know why. I think I was afraid if I brought any friends over, or if a friend came over unexpectedly, that she would verbally abuse and humiliate me in front of them, and I just wanted to completely avoid a situation like that. I'm not sure. Also, I felt (and still feel) very unlovable, and unattractive, flawed. Very APD symptoms, so that is why I think I have that disorder. I suppose, if your own mother finds you repellent, it is extremely difficult to ever believe anyone else will ever find you *not* repellent...

I left home to go away to college specifically to not have to live at home any more. My parents resisted my going out of state to college, but they were willing to let me go to a college that was about 40 or 50 miles away, so I was still able to move into the dormitories. There was a large university in my hometown, but attending there would have meant living at home with my parents for another 4 to 6 years, and I just could not stand one more year of that misery if I could avoid it.

I have never been in a longterm dating relationship, and I am 36 now. I suffer loneliness and am sad that I have not been able to connect and have a loving, supportive relationship with anyone as yet. I find I am unable to get a date thorugh any means but through the internet, since I feel unsure about approaching anyone, and need reassurance that the person really is interested in me (the internet dating sites make it possible to post my information and photo, thus weeding out anyone who really isn't interested in me, and removing most doubts...). However, I find with the men I have connected with through the internet, that they have tended to be too busy, or very inattentive, and I wonder if I am subconsciously sabotaging myself by somehow choosing men who will be inattentive/emotionally unavailable, thus reinforcing my negative beliefs about myself? Is that typical of APD people?

Are there any specific treatments or guidelines or books out there that would help me deal with this problem and resolve it once and for all? My goal is to get married, and have a *happy* marriage, so I need something geared to both the general social anxiety problems I have, and also materials related specifically to dating/relationships problems.

thank you.