dysfunctional

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I need to vent and get my frustration out so bless you if you read all of this, which I sincerely hope you do. I do hope to get some words of wisdom.

About 3 months ago I moved back home to my parents house (I lived in another country) because my mother isn’t doing well health wise. I have accepted that she’s going to pass and I pray she has another year or two but the reality is we don’t know.

Anyhow, my issue isn’t with my mother but with the living situation. The logical side of me says to just ignore everything and to focus on myself and my life but…. In this house is my mother and father, my two younger bro’s and my youngest bro’s girlfriend/fiancé. These 3 adults (bro, bro and fiancé all over the age of 30) do not contribute to the house, at all! I have lived on my own for 20 years, paying rent, cleaning the house and well…adulting. My 70+ year old father is cleaning the house all by himself, doing the yardwork , paying ALL the bills, buying the groceries and running the home. This pisses me off!

We have a good size home and although it gets vacuumed regularly it doesn’t get that deep clean. I’m sure a lot of you know what I mean, I hope. Since I’ve been back I’ve been on a mission to get this home clean and up to par. But it comes with a price and that’s my sanity as I’m livid, frustrated, angry that the 3 other capable adults in this house do nothing and apparently feel no guilt. Worse yet my father is asking for this small amount of rent and no one can seem to pay him. Note this has been going on for years… I could move out but I would like to help my father fix up everything in the house, help my mother and I guess give them some support. And on a selfish side I would be paying 6 times less then what I would normally pay which has now allowed me to continue my education (I’ve enrolled in/been accepted in a graduate program). Even if I did move out I still know it’s going on.

I understand that this is on my father as he’s allowing them to get away with it, he tells me that he just wants peace in the house and that at his age he doesn’t want fighting. But these fuckers will never grow up unless they get kick a in the ass. And of course there’s other family drama and my father is the one who does complain to everyone about everyone else.

Bless you in you’ve read this far, I’m not really sure what advise I need, if I just need to vent to strangers and have them understand but I’m going through a lot. I’ve left my home (which I didn’t want to go) to move back to chaos and I’m starting to regret it (though my mother is more important). I’m dealing with internal chaos of my mother who’s dying and doesn’t care to take care of herself. I can’t change the people living here even though I’m getting told I’m the ‘bully’ and the ‘manager’ in the house for insisting people pull their weight. I'm just not the type to ignore this, I feel my parents are being disrespected and I am the strong type that will say something. It's who I am and too ignore it is something that I've tried doing but I can't. Maturity, immaturity...who knows where I am.

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@desperatedawn,

Tell them you'll be collecting the rent each week and allocating the chores.

Quote:

My 70+ year old father is cleaning the house all by himself, doing the yardwork , paying ALL the bills, buying the groceries and running the home. This pisses me

1 Reply

What do these people do all day ? Amazing that they are not contributing in any way.

Since this is your father's home, he runs the ship. Apparently he does not want to rock the boat, so he tolerates the situation. When he tires of it , then you can step in. Assure him of that.

In the meantime , don't overinvest yourself in trying to manage this living situation. You have one year left and then will be gone. Do the minimum you need to do at home and concentrate on your studies.

Your mither's needs are real, but again, it should not be all on you. Tell your father that home health care might have to be hired since you can't do this all yourself.

I know this is not what you want to hear, but this situation is too entrenched for you to make any real changes. Decide where you can give your time and energy to. Mom and school first. All other - let Dad handle.

1 Reply

@ekename,

If it was only that simple Ekename...

With several talks, my one bro (without the fiance) has paid rent for two months now. Progress is being made though he doesn't clean because he's 'busy' working.

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@PUNKEY,

Hi Punkey,

Both my bro's work full time...which is why they don't help, you know cause they're too tired from working. To be fair one bro does help if there's car issues and the other helps if there's internet/cable problems. But this is what twice, thrice a year! I guess my bro's fiance used to help out a lot 3 years ago when she first moved in but I guess she grew tired of it and saw that my father was doing it so why help?! She works on and off. Both bro's who don't get along blame each other when I've spoken to them. When I spoke with the fiance about everyone helping out she interpreted it as me saying my bro was lazy, so my bro hasn't spoken to me. Her reply was when I clean as much as she did all these years then she will help.

I'm just starting back now (school) so I have 2 years, 1 and a half if I'm lucky. My mother can take care of herself at the moment but she's not, so I'll make her breakfast and get her pills. My father cooks the diner and gives her her pills at night. Basically my father and I do everything around the house.

Immaturely, I go back and fourth about helping out. One part wants to say screw it and not do anything hoping something will change. The other part says f*ck these assholes and help out and make your fathers life easier. It's the correct thing to do. I went a week without cleaning and no one stepped up and did anything...and we have pets in the house. It's the most ridiculous thing. Peter pan syndrome? I can't live in a mess and I'm exhausted with all of this.
You're right I can't make any changes and this is the most frustrating thing. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically...I don't think I can do it....

1 Reply

@desperatedawn,

Hello desperatedawn,

Your situation would indeed be frustrating for the vast majority of grown adults.

I lived in a share house situation many years back where the % of shared housework became an issue. We solved it by all contributing to hire a weekly cleaner (this wasn't perfect, but it was better than the alternative).

Hopefully such an arrangement could help your situation. However, this doesn't seem to be to be the crux of the issue for you, because:
- your siblings are taking financial advantage of your parents (not much you can do about this); and
- your parents are consenting to such (not much you can do about that); and
- your siblings aren't as clean as you or your father (not much you can do about that); and
- if they've stayed this long, they are likely going to stay until the day both your parents have passed, or your your father needs full time care.

You note there's not a lot you can do about the above? (which would be frustrating). And quite frankly, were you to say about this - having moved back into your parents home, your siblings would likely throw accusations of hypocrisy at you (whether or not there was ever any any truth to such)

Were I your father, I'd consider having my will made out, donating everything to charity, making sure everyone knew about it (so they could start planning to stand on their own two feet).....because anything else is likely to tear your family apart after your parents both pass.

1 Reply

From what you've written, it seems you are the only one who is upset by this.

Your father accepts it, the siblings are ok with it.

Sounds like you have a need to control others, and use the guise of "it's for my parents" to make you feel ok with it.

2 Replies

@chai2,

Perhaps 'you put yourself in a position to have your expectations go unmet, so why you complain of frustration is beyond me' would be better than an accusation of 'you need to control others' (which is just a guess at motivation, and a bit harsh if wrong).

Certainly were I in the same position, I too would be frustrated with my siblings laziness, and my parents acceptance of such. Thankfully none of my siblings or parents are inclined to put themselves in such a situation. It does seem to me that the whole thing is dysfunctional.

1 Reply

@vikorr,

vikorr wrote:

Perhaps 'you put yourself in a position to have your expectations go unmet, so why you complain of frustration is beyond me' would be better than an accusation of 'you need to control others' (which is just a guess at motivation, and a bit harsh if wrong

Or perhaps not.

1 Reply

@chai2,

That's a shame

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@chai2,

Hi chai2,

Actually my father is upset by it also and he doesn't necessarily accept it but rather he hopes and prays that one day they will 'get it'.

I respect all replies but I have to disagree with you about it being a control issue. This is plain and simple, black and white, it's about RIGHT and WRONG. It is fundamentally wrong that 3 thirty plus year old adults are taking advantage of my father. It would be a different story if they were contributing to the mortgage, utilities, and upkeep of the home. But they aren't and my father is running through his retirement money too fast as he has mentioned time and time again but no one seems to get the hint.

And of course the siblings and fiance are okay with it because all of their money is for fun and play, not bills and responsibilities. They're upset at me not because I'm trying to control the situation but because I've called them out on their ****. I see the parents being taken advantage of and I'm looking to right the wrongs.

1 Reply

@vikorr,

Hi Vikorr,

Thanks for your reply.

A maid is a great idea and I've proposed it to my father who chuckled and said I can't even get them to pay me rent, there's no way they will pay me weekly for a maid...

I'm glad you understand my frustration and that I can't really do anything about this. I really needed to vent and I secretly hoped there was an answer that someone would enlighten me with to solve this but I know this is not the case.

It's interesting you mention his will because I've already proposed a reverse mortgage to my father that involved my siblings where he doesn't need to worry about the financial aspect for his remaining years. He loved it but thought it would be a hard sale to my bro's. I've been a bit too busy to discuss it but I will in the next few months.

0 Replies

@desperatedawn,

But you are being the one who wants to determine what is right and what is wrong based on your personal feelings about the situation.

Your father apparently doesn’t have the gumption to step up to the task to take care of something that is bothering him. He’s a grown man who instead is choosing to rely on some magical invisible power to do something for him, by talking to himself and pretending he’s sending messages to some force who is somehow going to take care of it through mystical means. You obviously do not have the same beliefs because you feel you need to step in since you don’t have confidence this supernatural power is going to do anything.

Instead you feel you should be powerful enough to bend other peoples actions to your will.

If he’s not going to kick these people out, maybe getting reverse mortgage is a good answer. Then he’ll have the extra money to pay a housekeeper.

Maybe him getting the idea of getting a reverse mortgage was put there by whatever it is he’s been praying to. If that’s the case, who are you to go against that gods will?

Funny how people can pray for an answer to a situation because either they don’t know what to do, or are unwilling to solve on their own. Then when their prayers are answered, all of a sudden they are able to determine if it’s an acceptable solution.

Who knows? Maybe I'm part of this big prayer solution thing by pointing out that an answer, through the conduit of you, or your fathers thoughts, in the form of a reverse mortgage, has been to y'all already. Maybe your fathers continued praying is actually annoying the supreme being at this point, because you seem to want to believe you know best. What's best in your opinion to determine yourself what is right and wrong, and to somehow force the wrongdoers to do what you have decided is right.

1 Reply

@chai2,

I'm determining what is right and wrong not by my personal feelings but by the vast majority of what society would agree on is acceptable or not.

My father isn't relying on some magical means as you have suggested (when I wrote hope and pray I didn't actually mean my father is physically praying to God for an answer). As stated earlier all he wants is peace in the family so he can enjoy his retirement years. And he does speak with them but realizes this isn't an overnight solution to these grown children.

And I am the one to suggest the reverse mortgage. It was my brilliant idea that is part of a solution to a problem. So in your reply I guess I am the best because I came up with the solution.

But is all seriousness, for the fact you think this is acceptable that someone is being taken advantage of makes you lose credit with me. It seems that you're the type who likes to 'fight' behind the computer and go back and fourth...

1 Reply

@desperatedawn,

What I am is the type who likes people to communicate clearly and will go back and forth until the other person can present the facts as they are, and completely.

So if the majority of a particular group of people think something is right, that makes it so, in your opinion? And you think you have your finger on the pulse of what most people think?

You think it’s ok to mislead people in leading them to believe your father is using a particular means, in this case prayer, to solve a problem, when that isn’t the case at all? Are we supposed to know when you’re stating a fact or just using an expression? How do we know what else you’re not portraying accurately if you can flip flop like that at will?

It seems that because you feel you have the ability to determine absolute right and wrong, that also gives you the insight to what I as an individual feel or believe.

Then, you end with knowing what type of person I am based on your so far faulty logic. You don’t like what I’m saying, so that automatically puts me in the Wrong group as far as right or wrong.

In fact, I feel your brothers are shits for treating your father as a bank. But I can’t begin to conceive that based on your incomplete, biased writings that this is any kind of black or white, right or wrong situation.

You said you just wanted to vent. I suppose that precludes anyone who doesn’t automatically accept your story hook line and sinker from pointing out that we’re all just reading a very limited version of the situation.

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