I just want to rant!!!

I had forgotten you were living with her.

<<pat on back>> there there....it's ok.....


It will make moving out so much joy.....be careful...you might spontaniously combust.

Are there any plans for moving soon?

I think a lot of us have thought it'd be a good idea to get a place of your own for a long time... what practicalities are holding you back?

And not the "getting her over her husband's death" thing, she has a therapist and she's gonna have to figure out the rest some time. Obviously your presence has become more enabling (in the bad way) than truly helpful to her.

(Sympathy, though, and don't want to step on your rant with too quick of a "so what are you gonna do about it?" -- we're all entitled to impractical rants now and then.)

It has.
We have begun saving money a few months ago. There really isnt anything holding us back.
I have been house/apt/condo shopping online for a few weeks. Our time here is up.
Still, I need to rant about it. ( pout ) hehe

oh yeah. I have alot of inpractical rants and raves just building up inside me. It is easier for me to take it out in typing then to her because alot of it is things she cant/wont/doesnt recognize TO change..
the passive aggressive thing for example.
I only point it out when something she has done endangers me or hubby or bean .
Other then that, it is hers. She can have it. but oh my it makes me mad.

I think the big thing worrying Mr Wolf is affording everything we need when we move out. Rightnow he is the bread winner. Granted, he makes good money, anyone who has a family knows how hard it is to support 2 other people on one income no matter howmuch it is. It scares him as he wants to give us the best. I told him I would get a small job somewhere in the evening.
His responce was " then how am i going to see my wife ??" :-) I told him that was sweet but for practical reasons, we could use the extra income. So he says no, he will get a diffrent position at work first so that I can stay with pup until she is 2. :-) gotta love the Mr Wolf. he is great.. but.. im worried that his reasoning will keep us here longer then necessary. He is at his wits end also. But we will see

I think you and your little family should move on out and that we should replace you three with my HM#2 (the bad one).

Rant and rave. Here and IRL. It'll give MIL something to talk about with her therapist. Maybe get things moving for her.

Get a little affordable place that works with Mr. Wolf's current income.
Get outta there.

shewolfnm

Echoing what others have said: Just about ANYTHING would be better than this! A couple of ramshackle rooms on top of the laundromat in main street ... anything!

Run!

Tomorrow!

I have nothing to say.

As I've said before, the Chinese character for "strife" is two women under the same roof.

Rant. You're entitled to rant. Rant is what makes the murder rate for women well below that of men.

When you move beyond rant:


As I remember the story, you and your husband and your beloved baby moved in with mama-in-law after your father-in-law, her husband, died.

The purpose of this was to support her and help her through her grief--and so that you and your husband could save a down payment for a house (not apartment) of your own.

You didn't much are for your f-i-law and now you are coming to realize that your m-i-law may not be inherently loveable. She has a drinking problem. She wants to control "family time". Just living in the same house has complicated your love-making.


Your husband is supportive of you in many ways. He's arranged for you to have venting time with "his" therapist. He's talked his mother down after the worst of her rants. All the same, he wants you to be more flexible than you feel like being.

Essentially you are alone in the house 5 days a week--just you and the cub and A2K. The Avon Lady bit hasn't taken off yet--and door-to-door with a wee one is complicated in this weather.

Then the "grownups come home" and all hell breaks loose.

Am I right in this summary?

Mothers-in-law suck.

My MIL sucks.

My wife's MIL sucks.

I shall not (and my wife shall not) suck as parents-in-law.

That being said, there are several good (and free) apartment locating services in Austin.

Noddy... you must secretly live here.
You hit it on the nose.
It has become a terrible cycle... as is with anyone who drinks.
Few days of happy calm behavior, a few days of silent escilation over what.. noone knows because it isnt being said, then a few days of absolute hell , then back to the few days of calm. >sigh<

we have things in motion to move. Yeah, we will probally move to an apt simply because life here is not a good lesson for our daughter. She doesnt need to learn stress and anger. She doesnt need to hear fighting and raised voices . As a rule ( and pretty naturally ) Mr wolf and I do not fight. We have a pretty secure relationship in the sence that we think almost exactly alike when it comes to disagreements. We are both of the belief that when someone does or says soemthing that makes you uncomfortable, even if there is no way to resolve it immediatly , you SAY SO immediatly. There have been times that we were not able to address the problem until later in the day but we do. When we address what is being said immediatly the person who is ' doing the offence' realizes right away that something was wrong. That stops the behavior . Then we talk about it asap. With that thought process we have no anger building up between us. There for no immediate fights break out. It has worked for a few years. And will keep working for us. As for MIL, well, - passive aggressive- sums her up. With that behavior alone it disrupts me and mr wolf and creates a tension between us i have never known.
I am of the belief that kids pick up on energies. As most people are! That your emotions carry thier own energy and everyone , including if not espically children pick them up even if you are faking a smile. She has been in that for months and I do not want her to learn this behavior. I do not want her to find normality and comfort in this. There for, if it means sacrificing the ability to get a home this instant.. so be it.
We moved here to help her. Yes. And with every fiber of my being I believe we did. But that is it. we DID, and we can do no more. It is time for her to go on about her life and start to fill the empty space of her husband on her own. A thing she would have to do anyways.
She is always commenting on how mr wolf and i never fight and says that we have a ' wierd relationship'. I was furious with her comment . Said nothing because mr wolf told me but a few mintues after she left the house after that statement slipped her lips that her and FIL fought all the time. Even at times became physical. Not to the point of punching, but would shove and throw things. MIL has confided in Mr wolf that she things we have a disfunctional relationship ( Holy sh^t I about peed my pants laughing at THAT ONE) So her mindset is really off base with ours and causes us to not 'mesh' very well. The fact that she is willing to criticize our relationship like that shows me her lack of respect and her desire to be in the middle of everything. In there is the problem.
I talked to her last night with Mr wolf and to my discomfort, with bean in the room. I told her that things were so uncomfortable living here for us , me espically, that about the time she comes home I can feel my stress begin to rise. I get upset, short tempered and become oblivious to almost anything except the chime of the front door signalling she is home. I told her that from now on I was not going to allow her that power over me. ( she has no clue what I mean but oh well ) and that I am going to LIVE in the house and RELAX and enjoy my family despite her attempts to control. I also told her that I understood how strange it must feel being with our her husband watching her son and his wife live thier life with thier family. I said I cant imagine how weird that must be for you. So instead of just feeling wierd about things and letting yourself believe you are a third wheel.. start talking. We include you in many activities as you do us. Lets start there and work twords being family in the house instead of us being house guests. I asked her what she thought of that and she said I was too strong of a woman and that I must want to be a man.
My thoughts raced twords the thousands of insults I could have given her at that moment to put her in her place.. but all I said was, If you want me to help you be comfortable as a woman also i can. But to throw insults at someone because you envy thier self respect is a younger behavior then I will allow you. Then I left the room.
>sigh<



( spelling edit )

Ugh.

Good job standing up to her!

Thank you. :-)
I used to NOT do that in fear of being disrespectful
but.. uhh.. apparently I was the only one concerned with respect. Hehehe.

Heh.

Have you definitely made the decision to leave? If so, it might be time to start preparing the departure as carefully as you've been saving money, looking for a new place, etc. I know you want to get out, but you don't want to cut all ties, right? So it may be time to start talking to her about the fact that you guys will be leaving, what your boundaries are (what you are willing to do in preparation for leaving, what you are willing to do after you leave, etc.)

You might find that once that decision has been made and is out in the open things calm down a bit. Or that she freaks out and gets worse. ;-)

I am scared to tell her that we are ready to leave.
In fact so worried that until the move date is about amonth or so away I truly dont want to say much at all. Given that we dont HAVE to RUN out of here, i am taking my time in finding places and being choosey as I have the right to be. So moving may take a few months ( i have set 3 to be the max )
What I am afraid of are 2 things..

She will demand payment of anything she sees fit.( we pay 400 a month to cover extra utilities and space ) she may say that wasnt enough.

Or, she can all of a sudden change her ways, relax and be a calmer person. I know that this option for her will just be for show out of desperation if she doesnt want us to move. My concern, Mr wolf will think she has changed for the better and rethink living here. It is his mother . I cant imagine him NOT wanting to give her that benefit of the doubt. But.. still.. it could pose a problem.

Now , if things really DO work themselves to an even keel before we have secured a place, I may take the chance and shop/save for a house. 3 months isnt too bad, if things work a little better and it turns into 5 months with no major heartache.. that wont bother me too bad. Having this goal has already made me relax and has made me more capable of saying what is on my mind. ( like her comment last night. GRRR! )

Im just not sure when she is sober enough to tell her this because she is the kind of drinker who comes home, dissappears into her room or runs off to do what she needs to do then immediatly opens a beer. The false elation she gets from alcohol isnt an appropriate time to talk to her about moving. Neither is first thing in the morning when she is ultimiatly hung over. During the day is next to impossible as she is out, shopping, locked in her room etc... Maybe if I empty all her beer bottles, refill them with chocolate milk she will stop and talk.

MIL ------ you

Shewolf--

One of the grave communication problems between you and your m-i-law is that she is accustomed to showing passion (love and hate) through screaming scenes.

You after you stated your position, she remarked:



Believe it or not, the old bitch wants love--but like with your dear, dead F-i-law never prepared her for "normal" give and take. You spoke your heart--she handed you an insult.

Or perhaps "want to be a man" means that you were trying to control her the way her dear, dead husband ran his emotional world.

One of the most soul-destroying aspects of being a prisoner of war is that you have no rational way to measure the probable extent of imprisonment. The Prisoner has no control over his future and cannot even hope rationally.

You need to set two deadlines. First, when will you have the money for escape to an apartment? To a house?

Once you have your flittin' money stashed away, you'll be able to end the imprisonment at any time you choose.

Would getting a cheap car for your use help your POW situation?

Can you make time this weekend for the three adults involved to sit down and spell out a rational agreement? Is the $400 enough? How long is she expecting you to stay? Why doesn't she feel that women can be as forceful as men?

Perhaps she isn't a woman who can sit at the kitchen table and focus on conversation. This might be too threatening. Will she talk as the three of you accomplish some chores. From your description the house needs a lot of work.

Hold your dominion.