Which Way is the War ??

George W: Outta my way, Colin! I'm gonna go get me those rat fink, dirty, double-crossin', hornswogglin' varmints!

Colin: But, Mr President, you're going the wrong way! The Iraqis are thataway!

George W: Iraqis? Who's talkin' about the Iraqis? First I'm gonna go get those sneaky Frenchies and Germans who've bushwhacked the showdown I'd planned with Saddam! Telling me to go cold Turnkey on NATO? I'll give ?'em cold Turnkey!

Colin: Er, Mr President, I think that the country you have in mind is called Turkey, not Turnkey.

George W: Turkey, Turnkey, whatever. Knew we should've settled the hash of those Frenchies once for all when we fought ?'em back in WW II. Instead of which we gave ?'em all that Marshall Plan an' put ?'em back on their feet, the treacherous tinhorns! Like my Daddy used to say: Just look at de Gall of the Frenchies! They're gettin' too big for their boots.

Colin: Mr President, it was the Germans we fought in WW II, not the French.

George W: Frenchies, Germans. Who can tell one of these old Europeans from another. But the Frenchies are the worst. It's all that yucky food they eat, frogs' legs and nails and stuff like that.

Colin: I think you mean frogs' legs and snails.

George W: Is that what they call nails in France? They sure parlay voo funny, those Frenchies. Say the darndest things. Went to a Frenchie restaurant the other day an' this Gar-son (that's what waiters are called in Frenchie) straight out asked me if I'd like a Whore Durve, just like that, before I'd even had my dinner! So I jumped up and said: How dare you, you ornery polecat ?- and in front of Mrs President too! and biffed the galoot on the jaw.

Colin: There's nothing wrong with enjoying an occasional hors d'oeuvre. In fact, I quite fancy one right now.

George W: You mean right here in the Oval Office? Colin, I'm shocked at you! You're becomin' as bad as the Frenchies. Or that newfound sidekick of theirs, that ex-Pommie guy Putin. We should've finished the Pommies too, back in the Cold War before all that glass nest an' press sticker stuff happened.

Colin: I think you mean glasnost and perestroika and the Commies, not the Pommies. The Pommies are friends of ours. In fact, Israel apart, they're just about the only friends we have. Speaking of which, Tony is here to see you.

George W: Well, let him in. But get this stupid pooch outta here first, will ya? He's jumpin' all over an' slobberin' over me an' gettin' his hairs on my nice new suit.

Colin: Er, Mr President, that's not a pooch ?- that's Tony.

George W: Tony? Gee, boy, I didn't recognise you with that stars-and-stripes collar and leash you got on. And how didya change from bein' the bulldog breed to bein' lapdog an' poodle? Facial surgery? Or was it a bit lower down? Anyway, am I glad to see you. Here, here's a nice bonie for you.

Tony: Woof! Thank you, Master. Shall I roll over to have my tum tickled now?

George W: Later, Tony. Right now, Colin an' I've gotta figure out how to take out Saddam right pronto. That fourflusher has gone and got himself five look-alikes to confuse us, which I guess makes him a fiveflusher. But he can't fool me. I've got trained on Iraq five times the nukes I need to take out every manjack ?- an' womanjack, an' childjack ?- Iraqi goin'. So there!

Colin: That's just hunky-dory, Mr President. But shouldn't we try and get a few friends on our side first? How about the Indians?

George W: Injuns? Golly, are there any of ?'em still around? I thought all them cowboys had got rid of all them Injuns way back in gran'-pappy's time.

Colin: No, no, not Injuns, Mr President. Indians. You know. Gandhi, Nehru, Taj Mahal, tandoori chicken and all that.

George W: Chicken? If you say these guys are chicken why do we want ?'em on our side?

Colin: They're not chicken, Mr President. Though I admit they've got a couple of subversive peace punks among them who are trying their best to sabotage the war effort. So maybe Islamabad is our best bet after all.

George W: What didya say? Islam is bad? Sure, I've been sayin' just that ever since 9/11! That's why after takin' out Saddam, I'm gonna take out all them other Islam outfits in the region, includin' Southey Iberia.

Colin: I think you mean Saudi Arabia, Mr President. And Islamabad is a place, not an indictment. But we still have to find someone we can trust who'll be on our side. Whom can we trust?

George W: You know, Colin, I've been thinkin'.

Colin: Heaven help us. I mean, that's great, Mr President. What have you been thinking?

George W: I've been thinkin' that of all the people in the whole wide world there's only one guy who right from day one has shown himself in his true colours, who's never pretended to be anything but what he was, who's been totally upfront about his aims and intentions. The one guy you could rely on to be a key player in our war against terrorism, as his latest tape shows. That's the guy we need!

Colin: You mean...?

George W: That's right. Wherever did we misplace good ol' Osama...?