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Thu 13 Jan, 2005 10:25 pm
Well I can, it's just really hard, and it's not of her fault at all, seeing as how i'm the one doing the listening, how is it possible that she can affect that activity. anyway, i have this ego thing, where when someone starts telling me something, instead of listening with empathy, i listen and try to analyze it and intellectualize it and try to find some solution as if they were posing a problem to me, i'm getting better at it and i was wondering if anyone else has had similar experiences,
it causes problems in my relationship sometimes because i don't mean to do it, it's something i do because i have an inflated sense of ego because i feel my self-worth is not where it should be, and i'm using that as a defense, the result of that is a tendency to feel as though i'm better than others, especially when they're telling me their problems, and my girlfriend has said to me before that she feels like i'm trying to find something wrong with ehr, as a product of the tone of voice i use when i'm feeling that way in combination with the analytical thing that i do when i ask questions about her situations =(
shaddix...a word to the wise, if you will accept it...
Men usually listen in order to identify problems and then find solutions for them. This is great when you're listening to other guys, but it's not what women want. We want EMPATHY. We don't bring up things because we want you to fix them. We just want someone to commiserate with us...to say, "Aw, that's terrible! You don't deserve that!"
Men honestly think they're being helpful when they try to fix the problem, but they often don't understand that this approach causes women to think the man doesn't believe they're capable of understanding and fixing things themselves. Which, of course, is not what the man meant at all. But it IS the way most women will take it.
So...the next time she wants to talk about something that's bugging her, try this. Just listen and commiserate. When your analytical urges kick in, just say to yourself AND HER, "Of course, I know you'll handle it. You always handle things so well. I just wish you didn't have to."
Try it and let us know if it doesn't work better.
P.S. There are plenty of 50 and 60 year old men out there who still haven't figured this out and have spent their whole lives wondering why women inevitably get mad at them whenever they try to be helpful.
ah, once again my problem lies within my "nature"? if there is human nature, no quick fix it would seem.
thank you for your insight !
I've had much the same problem....
I've learned to ask, "are you asking for help?" Then I can either listen and empathize, or analyze and troubleshoot.
Some other differences in how my wife and I communicate:
If I say, "this drawer is a mess" it is an editorial comment, conversational noise, what have you.
If
she says, "this drawer is a mess" then it means she wants help straightening out the drawer.
http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=1075043#1075043
Oh, there's absolutely NOT any quick fix! It's one of the basic communication differences between men and women.
I constantly have to remind myself that men are trying to be helpful, and appreciate them for that instead of taking their suggestions as subtle criticism. You see, when women talk that way to other women, it IS subtle criticism. Men are usually much more straightforward.
We are very different. But worth the struggle, don't you think? I can't imagine living my life without men in it.
LOL, DrewDad!
Actually, if she says, "this drawer is a mess" and you had anything to do with it, she's asking you to straighten it up!
Eva wrote:shaddix...a word to the wise, if you will accept it...
Men usually listen in order to identify problems and then find solutions for them. This is great when you're listening to other guys, but it's not what women want. We want EMPATHY. We don't bring up things because we want you to fix them. We just want someone to commiserate with us...to say, "Aw, that's terrible! You don't deserve that!"
Men honestly think they're being helpful when they try to fix the problem, but they often don't understand that this approach causes women to think the man doesn't believe they're capable of understanding and fixing things themselves. Which, of course, is not what the man meant at all. But it IS the way most women will take it.
One of the most succinct and truthful posts i have had the pleasure to read here...
Eva wrote:shaddix...a word to the wise, if you will accept it...
Men usually listen in order to identify problems and then find solutions for them.
So...the next time she wants to talk about something that's bugging her, try this. Just listen and commiserate.
More like a word FROM the wise, Shaddix. She is so right!
I don't know why male/female approaches to communication seem so universal, but you should be encouraged that you're even AWARE of it. She's right, some folks don't realize this difference, ever, and it sure doesn't make their lives any happier.
Just knowing this is human nature (or seems to be) should help.
Eva is dead on target. You should read, "Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus". It will help you understand why no one can understand women
Anytime she comes to you with a problem or complaint, just say "awww". You dont even have to listen to it anymore after you've gotten used to her tones. Then you're all set and can have helpful chats while watching football .....
and you guys wonder how I'm on the verge of divorce?
"Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus" freely cribs from Deborah Tannen's "You Just Don't Understand" (without attribution) -- read Tannen's book if you read one.
She calls the phenomenon "Rapport Talk" (women) vs. "Report Talk" (men).
Thanks for straightening me out Soz. I remember I left to go on tour and my ex gave me a copy of Mars. When I got back it was all over but I did learn some stuff.
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