Need input

Welcome to A2K, mej.

I would put to you that, although your concerns regarding your feelings towards your husband's contact and interaction with other females is predominantly on "you", it is incumbent that he recognize these feelings of yours as being real, and to not act in such a way as to enflame them.

Rather than chastising you to "get a life" through hobbies or activities, I would encourage the two of you to engage in things that you could enjoy together.

Good luck, and I wish you both the best.

Hi, mej, and welcome!

Maxsdadeo says some very wise things in his post.

I don't think being intorverted is necessarily a character flaw. It just suggests different avenues of keeping your mind occupied; reading vs. socializing, etc.

There was a period right after I got my BA but before I went to grad school when I couldn't find a job and was bored, bored, bored. I'd never had any particular issues with jealousy, but as my mind searched for things to glom on to, what exactly my husband was doing all day became waaaaaaaaaay too interesting to me. In that context, one day I found an old note from a previous girlfriend (we weren't married yet, but living together) and it was just excruciating for me. (We had all kinds of weird antiques, and in an old tooled leather doctor's notepad, she had written something that he didn't know about, so it wasn't even like he was purposely keeping it.)

I got over it, especially once I was in grad school and in the midst of male and female friends, and realizing that I could hang out with but be utterly uninterested in good-looking guys.

Do you work?

Keeping your mind occupied is definitely key, in whatever area that is interesting to you. Classes? Online participation? Only you know what is interesting, but identify it and pursue it.

mej2000- Hi, and welcome to A2K.

What do you like to do? Think of ways where you can become involved in something that will interest both you and your husband, and where you will meet people with similar interests. Go slowly. A person can't turn from a wallflower to a social butterfly.

I can sympathize - my husband to be has a million things going on at once and knows everyone. No matter how far we travel he sees someone he knows. The difference is most of his friends are male and most of my friends are male. He's always fluttering here and there, doing this and that, working an extra job for spending money, and I am happy with a few friends and sitting at home reading, etc. while he's out running to and fro.

I think it's important to pinpoint what will make you happy. Do you want him to spend more time with you? Do you want to be included in his plans? Do you just want to find more interests of your own? Or are you actually happy with the way things are except the way you feel about it?

I use to want to be included in everything - until I was and then I knew I really preferred it if I didn't have to attend every little thing. Now I'd much rather see his friends I like on occasion, but mostly spend time with just him, or alone or with one or two close friends for a pint and have him stop by if he wants whenever he gets there.

The key is realizing what the source of the jealousy is and what your leisure time would be like if you could have it any way you wanted it. After figuring that out, the 'make it happen' part is a lot easier. You might still get pangs of jealousy once and a while or a little 'where are you going now?!" syndrome, but it will be greatly diminished if you are usually more comfortable with the way you both spend your time.

I really like what Sugar says.

Thanks so much everyone for the replies!

Sugar, your husband and mine must be related! I don't necessarily need him to spend more time with me - in spite of his busy life, he always take time out for me and us and we have our stuff we do together. I think his busy life helps our relationship in terms of absence making the heart grow fonder...after a while he starts missing me and makes sure he puts other stuff on hold so we can have some quality time together.

When I think about how I'd like to have my leisure time, in theory I'd like to have more things to do, places to go, people to see, but in reality I'd rather be sitting at home reading! But it seems so boring to me, which points to my insecurities - I wish I were more dynamic and exciting, you know? I really do wish I had more interests, so I could have more options of things to do and more ways to keep my mind occupied. I do work full-time and I'm also in grad school, but I don't find those things very interesting once I leave the job and I'm done with class!

I think if I felt more secure about myself, I wouldn't be jealous of the people he encounters that I think might seem more interesting to him. I don't have trust issues (well, not anymore ) - he's very committed to our marriage, very loving towards me, and extremely supportive of anything I want to do. Oh, and he's not the one who said I needed to get a life - that's strictly my own conclusion! Sometimes I feel like I'm in competition with the world and I want to make sure I come out on top!

As Sozobe said, I definitely need to start pursuing things that I find interesting, whatever they may be!

If you find anything really fun as a hobby, let me know I've dabbled in arts & crafts, computer stuff, but am always looking for ideas to try something new on my own.

mej2000
Id like to acknowledge you for being honest with yourself. A hard but necessary thing to do. I know how you feel!

mej2000,
You sound a lot like me, but you're much younger and haven't been married as long as I have.
I'm going to assume that you don't have any children yet, am I correct? If so, do you plan on having any? If so, I assure you once that happens you will no longer be bored. :wink: (children fill a lot of empty and busy space)

I am an introvert at heart myself. I wouldn't have much problem not having more then a few important people in my life circle. I don't have any problems talking with people, I just leave it at that instead of getting anymore involved. I find I'm happy and fulfilled with those who are in my life now, as well as with what interests I have.
It sounds to me that you are somewhat confused about what kind of life you should have. The fact that your husband is a social butterfly doesn't mean you have to be one, unless you want to be.
If you aren't happy with yourself the way you are, then that is something you need to work on. But, if you enjoy being the way you are, then learn to accept your differences, be at ease with them.

Do you ever question the motives of why your husband chose you, being the two of you are so different? If so, have you considered that be the reason why? (Also why you are attracted to him)

Do you like to work-out? That is something that can be time consuming, as well as ehjoyable. It does make me feel better about myself.
Have you ever considered gardening as an interest or hobby? Once I started getting involved, I couldn't stop. The only thing stopping me now is our long cold winter, but I'll be back at it in the spring.

Do you have any pets? Dogs are great companions and love to go for walks, and visit the doggy exercise parks.

If you'd like, we can discuss this issue further by e-mail. I understand where you're coming from, and have an idea about where you want to be, but know you're not really sure if that's where you really want to be.
If that made any sense to you then I know we have something in common. My e-mail address is [email protected]

It would seem that you are comparing your husbands interactions and activities to yours and wondering if you should speed up to his style. Apparently he does not have an issue with your style since he married you because he loves you, presumably everything about you, and has not mentioned that he wishes you to change.

If you feel that, as an individual, you would like to get more things going on then that's another thing. However I don't think you should push yourself to do things because you might feel, in comparison to him, you are not as active.

I have spent so much time trying to please other people, trying to do things that everyone else does, and when I finally realized that I am not like other people I stopped and I am so much happier now. I laugh at anyone who looks at me oddly because I don't want to do "x" or "y" just like everyone else. It's not important to do it all, it's important to accept who you are inside and not be jealous or uncomfortable if you are not the same as others (including your husband). That's one of the best things about us all - we can be so very different from each other.

I love the suggestions presented here.

My SO and I are very different, and he has given up on chastising me for my gregarious nature.

I agree that a pet can be a wonderful companion. Even if it is a bird or some fish, if you live somewhere that doesn't allow cats or dogs.

Interests of your own would be another great strategy. With the internet, there is so much information available. I often find myself doing a search for something only to find myself in a completely different direction 30 minutes later, wondering what I was originally trying to do.

Wow guys, thanks for the input.

A long standing issue - loving and accepting myself and recognizing that others love and accept me for who I am. I know comparisons to others lead one to feel they're lacking in some way and I really do just need to be comfortable with who I am and stop trying to fit myself into some perception of the kind of person I think I should be.

I do often wonder why my husband chose me, as we are very different in terms of our personalities. But we complement each other well. Still, I sometimes have a hard time accepting that he could be so crazy about lil ole me - and yet he is! Aaaaagghhh - need to keep workin on that self-esteem!

I do work out - love working out in fact, and have recently recommitted to going to the gym again regularly - I slacked off during the holidays BIG TIME..... We have two doggies and they've really added a lot of love and fun to my life! No kids yet, but maybe in a year or so - and when they come I know I'll be crying for these quiet, carefree days!

So, I'll keep moving on, figuring out about me, but trying to accept that I'm already fine just the way I am.

(I tried gardening - totally suck at it.....Next stop - cooking classes! )

Ohhhhhhhh, yeah. Uh-huh. Yuppers. You betcha. (Mom of 2-yr-old speaking.)

If you're thinking seriously about having kids, that's a whole 'nother reason to get in a place you want to be emotionally first, since kid(s) are an incredible emotional drain and all of this stuff is magnified enormously. I made a conscious decision (aided by generous helpings of luck) to create a career identity before having kids, and it is sometimes really helpful to go back and look at newspaper articles about me or the picture of the grand opening of my center that I keep on my desk. Without those kind of touchstones, it would be that much more difficult to remember who I really am in the midst of the everyday life of being a mom.

Not to freak you out , just something more to think about.

Enjoy those cooking classes!

Mej,

What a fantastic set of agony aunts and auntesses you have uncovered. I particularly liked Heeven's no nonesense approach to life.

I won't go over what has already been written as most of it is excellent advice. Real happiness comes from within and you need to please yourself first then worry about others. I read a book a few years ago and the basic premise was if you want to be happy-BE HAPPY. Its up to you.

Much love and I hope you enjoy your journey.