Sorry about that, i wasnt thinking

Im 21 and my husband is 22. Weve been hanging out with friends alot lately and ive developed a crush on his best friend. I don't even know how his friend would think of this and its not a a huge concern at the moment but my husband seems ok with this, even possibly excited by the thought. Hes talked that friend into getting online to talk to me, to "keep and eye on me and check on me" while hes away even.
I like this guy because he reminds me of my husband in quite a few ways, thats why they get along so well i guess. They work together and we always go out with other friends. Ive never really had girl friends, the ones i did have always ended up hurting me, so im comfortable hanging out with all guys, id say im more of a guy type of girl then a girly girl anyways, i have little in common with my own sex.
Anyway, i tell my husband EVERYTHING so when this feeling of a "crush" came up i told him, he didnt say much but as we all hung out more, id mention it when it was on my mind.
Were both very open minded people, when we all hang out we talk about silly things like penis size, how girls can be, how guys can be, ect. And everyone is comfortable around me, which doesnt seem odd to be because as i said, i always thought i was more of a "tom girl" but this crush issue caught me offguard.
Sometimes when the husband and i talk about it, it turns into some fantasy, him leading it, which normally ends up in sex. Sometimes during this, i will be focused on the husband and afterwards he will throw in some fantasy with his friend involved.
I mean, i do have a crush so i do enjoy this other guys company quite a bit but i love my husband, its just odd that he can accept it and find ways to enjoy the thought. He says he would be ok if it turned into a relationship as long as hes still in it, which he would be, weve looked into other couples who do this, i wish i could remember the label poly i believe. People who are comfortable with a sortof open relationship.
If we did actually persue this i would not jump into sexual things, i just like this guy alot, and i know part of the attraction is because he is so much like the hubby, but he is a pretty guy overall, and as i stated, who even knows what he would think of this, hes a single guy who last had a relationship 3 years ago and claims he cant trust women anymore. So yea, who knows what hed think, but its not a concern right now, i am just wondering what made this happen and if there is anyone else out there with any expereince similar to this, a married crush that the spouse is fine with for the most part, other then some times worrying he will get left out.

Sorry if this is a bit out there for this forum, just dont flame me if you can help it, i know lots of people arent open to this type of thing, its just something im curious about, so any opinions/ advice/ expereinces would be great.

superjuly
Enthusiast

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I see you two are a very young married couple who got a good thing going. Aren't you afraid this might ruin it? It's one thing to talk about it openly, as a fantasy even. But things might take a twisted turn once you get the ball roilling.

Just beware of your actions. If he's ok with it now, wouldn't that imply that if it ever happen to him (being attracted to a good friend of yours) you would have to be ok with it too?

This situation seems rather strange.

_________________

Weve talked about this actually, and ive stated, no i dont HAVE To be ok with him getting with some girl, just like he doesnt have to be ok with this, it was a thought, a feeling, well thats all it is now really, but he just says go for it.
I mean if i knew a girl that i could trust, that actually reminded me of me in some way so that when i looked at her i didnt see my opposite and wonder why her and not someone like me then it may be different. Its just the fact that ive had friends that were girls and they always ended up going behind my back, lying, just being drama filled about everything.
But yes, weve talked about if the roles were switched and nobody is forced to be ok with anything, i think he thinks its fine because he trusts this guy, knows hes a good guy, even he sees that this guy reminds him of him, He likes the thought, so yes, its a fantasy, but its a fantasy he pushes me towards at times, and says "Im not meant to be with anyone but you, and i dont care, ive been around girls, i know how they are, they are stupid, i have no desire to have a relationship with one. we rarely have anything in common" He does sometimes wonder what sex alone would be like, just to know what it feels like, which i completely understand, if i was him id wonder as well, But i really have no curiosity as to what any other person would feel like sexually.
But For now, this is just an interesting observation looking into my own relationship, no balls are rolling yet, just an emotional ball in my brain. I just thought it was a bit odd, well, just one instance really, where hubby and i are messing around and afterwards he states "You know what i was thinking about when *insert oral sex comment here*, i was imagining him behind you" I mean these thoughts really dont do much for me, i think the friend is great guy and looks nice but i guess it just takes alot to be sexually excited and that thought doesnt do it, normally, when something like that comes up, curiosity gets the best of me so we end up talking about our stance all night.
ramble ramble ramble, i could go on and on, but ill spare you, lol, i appreciate your imput though. Right now this is something im looking into, feelings are there, acting on them, not so much other then a good friend would. I dont want to do anything id regret or that would hurt the hubby, so im just taking my time and seeing how things feel, its been about 4 months since this started, and it only seems to get MORE ok, but still, im slow, and in no hurry, i guess i was wondering if anyone else has had a relationship take this turn and what happened if anything.

superjuly
Enthusiast


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Hey, whatever works for you both!

I'd take a conservative side in a situation like this, but that's me. And I have never been in those shoes, so don't mind me.

Good luck!

_________________

I just wanted to rephrase that because the way its worded doesnt sound exactly right and its a bit hard to explain.
He reads this with me at times, just to know what people are saying, but yes let me rephrase that.
He KNOWS i dont have female firends, he also knows why and was with me to see firsthand how my friendships with women never worked out. Actually i dont think i will ever have female firends because i also never have a chance to. I dont drive, i have some bad anxiety, so he works and takes the car, i stay home and do my thing around here, the only friends i have are the friends we hang out with from his job, none of them have g/f's except one, and her, i met once, and she got drunk within an hour and passed out, i hear she does that alot, and we just had nothing in common. I just dont see the reverse predicament happening, so ive been up front in stating that if he ever weanted to reverse the roles, i couldnt see it happening, because i couldnt see myself opening up to a female, or even having a chance to know one. Its not that this is one sided, we both know how i feel, but the thought of him with another girl that reminded him of me doesnt bother me really, as long as he held the same regard for our relationship as i do.
Otherwise our relationship is nice, were best firends, we tell ALL, we keep an open mind, talk for hours and day on anything that could even possibly be an issue. Sexually, porn habits dont bother me, in fact i like the same things he does and we incorperate, but if hes feeling more frisky then i am im still happy to let him view what he wants and "take care of him" after hes done. Ive looked this forum over and i havent really came across anyone who feels as i do, ive read of people wanting threesomes, and how wives are hurt by porn, or feel they are seconded, or just dislike porn, but i actually like porn, so none of that applies to me, which is also why i have this fear of being flamed here.
My posts right now are so random and im sorry if i confuse any of you, its just easy to talk about or think about, but when it comes to writing it out, it gets harder to explain.
The thought of him with another woman doesnt bother me unless its something im not, for example, porn girls, while attractive, are pretty much fake, we both know this, im not jealous of them in the slightest, i think they can be beautiful, but i know thats because they arent natural, they have had surgery to enhance the key parts for our viewing pleasure and thats fine, great even, but say he found some girl who went out and had all of that done to be porno "perfect" Id feel like he wanted something completely my opposite. If he just wanted a one time sexual experience then it wouldnt bother me, but if he wanted a relationship id naturally look at her and know that i would never compare to that because that is not real, and theres no way id NATURALLY look like that and you couldnt make me ever want to go under the knife just for looks, so id compare, but say the girl was a normal girl, like me, natural, not anorexic looking, i wouldnt mind really. As long as our relationship didnt suffer and he upheld our agreement that he set up in the first place.
Wow i confuse myself, sorry if this doesnt make any sense, maybe later if i can explain it alittle better i may edit this, but for now this wil have to do. But my stance is not the same as his for the sheer fact that ive never met a girl who i could trust yet so i have no background to look back on, he on the otherhand has had all guy friends his whole life, and to him, this guy is great, but regardless, we dont have the slightest idea what this guy would thinks, its not a huge concern though at the moment, we all just enojy hanging out, going out, and having fun with each other.
I do understand how things like this can somehow warp a marraige, thats why im not jumping into it, and my husband knew my thoughts from day one till now, i have no secrets and im very open. I guess im just surprised that this feeling was met with positivity (is that a word). Im just seeing how things go for awhile now, i may never feel comfortable with having it as a reality, it sounds nice, but i wouldnt make such a desision without feeling completely ok with it first, and even if i do feel ok, i have to analyze myself on that, i guess thats why other imput is great, it gives me new perspectives, other then my husbands, mine, and the friends.
WOW look at me ramble!

LOL, i appreciate your imput very much, i like to hear both sides, even if it was just a random debate, i like to know how others feel or would feel. Thanks for the good luck wishes, if it did come into reality, the friend would have to be ok with it, my husband would have to be more then ok with it, and id have to feel confedent in their feelings, so it wouldnt be soon at all, i tend to overanalyze, but thats not a bad thing, im just careful.
I also appreciate you being open minded even if its not what you would personally think of, your comments are exactly what i was hoping for, i hope if more come in they are as nice:)

sunlily
Just Hatched


- see where you are coming from

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Hiya,
Firstly, you seem like a very open and honest person and I'd like to say I respect that. I can relate as my fiance (been together and living together 4 years now) are similar in that sense. I'm also a tomboy/girl type and until recently haven't gotten along with women very well. I used to not even try because like you, found them to be drama and catty. I have some girls I hang out with on occasion and try to find the good in them.

To the subject, we ourselves have talked of bringing a girl, guy or couple in as I like women and men. It's a tough road because you have to be honest with yourself and is hard to admit jealousies and insecurities. I also think a friend of his is cute but he thinks my girl pals are cute. I don't know that we'll ever do anything but we are open to the idea of it, but certaintly not going to push it.

I guess if your husband is into it then that's different. Maybe you should ask him what turns him on about it. I must be honest and say I kinda notice it seems like you have what I used to have about women (rightfully so for all I know) a chip on your shoulder about being friends with women.

I finally broke down my psyche and admitted I liked having guy pals because it was an ego boost. I also found that jealousy is a useless emotion. I don't quite understand why you'd want a guy just like your husband to fool around with or him to have a girl similar to you. In a sense that defeats the main reason most people want 'outside' interaction. The whole point is that it *is* someone different. If I wanted to fool around with a girl or guy similar to my fiance, I don't see the point of making the risk to our relationship to do it at all. About the porn thing, I have no problems or insecurities with it anymore. Sure it's fantasy, but what purpose does being jealous of a girl on screen do for me, or any girl for that matter.

I don't know if those thoughts help or anything but I guess it's something more to think about. Like I said, I respect the fact that you can post and so much so that I registered just to respond because I thought it was neat of you to have the guts to do so. I guess the whole thing is, is the 'risk' worth the 'reward' , that's my whole question too.

edit: oh yeah, I'm 26 and he is 25 so you know what age group/range I'm responding from.

J_B
Near-Enthusiast






The things in your posts that jump out at me over and over is that your husband seems to have picked up on what was your fantasy and has turned it into his. It didn't turn you on when he said he pictured his friend behind you as you performed oral sex. It sounds like you were/are totally satisfied with having your fantasy be just that and now maybe your husband is moving things along a little faster than you're ready for.

The only advice I can offer is to go at your own pace, do what you are comfortable with and if you only want it to be a fantasy then that's what it should remain.

_________________
There's always room for more food for thought.

Having guys around isnt so much as an ego boost to me (but i do know what you mean and at times it can be) as i just feel safer, more secure, less of a chance of getting hurt, Its nice to actually be able to talk to a guy about things and hear their sides and all, but otherwise, they are just so much more upfront. My friends that were girls would always go behind my back, lie to me, sneak, try to scare me, overall theyd feed off any weakness i was open enough to show them. Most women are very jealous creatures, they feed off the drama and jealousy. I know there are probobly women who arent all that bad, but honestly, i just have nothing in common with them. When it comes to family, my husbands parents for instance, he has a sister and a mom, i HATE conversations with them, it revolves around crafts, cooking, outfits (ect) and i am tottally not interested, im more interested in the latest video game or the fact that chyna the wrestler came out with new porn but she looks like a man. I can talk to guys about this, with a girl, not so much, LOL.
Im glad you didnt take the openness i have in the wrong way, and also, you mentioned why would i want someone like my husband to fool around with, honestly, i didnt plan this, im happy with my husband, weve talked about other people before, but when we hang out i just have a crush on his friend, i dont really want to drag him into bed and have my way, i just want to talk, hang out, kiss him maybe, but all this is fueled by the fact that i like him as a person, and what features i notice about him. They just happened to be the same features my husband shares, so i guess, being around him reminded me of being around my husband but not exactly, but that made him have a different spot then the rest of the guys, and the more i know him the more i like him, of course he doesnt know, dont know if he ever will, but im just sure that i do like him, i admire some things about him and i know that he does remind me of my husband, with a bit of a punk side to him, more outgoing and goofy at times, but otherwise, good guy. hmm, does that make sense;)


Well honestly, the thought of the other guy has rarely if ever entered my mind in a sexual sense, I like him as a person, time with him sounds 10x more appealing then sex with him, its not my focus, i mean ui may look and like but to fantasize, no i havent really went that far. Hubby does it, part of me thinks hes testing himself in a way, maybe he wonderes how it would be so if were in a sexual predicament he imagines its happening and whatnot to get a "feel" for it. Im not sure, he could just be doing it to point out that it is indeed ok.
My main point is, he likes the idea to a good extent with very few insecurities, i love him to death and dont want to hurt him and thats why i havent acted on anything, even if he says hes ok, i still feel more time and thought, and talking can never hurt, OR NEW OPINIONS which is why posting here was a great thing to do. But hes not pushing me, he knows what i feel and wants me to "Go for it" and a part of me wants to but also a part of me is still waiting to see if hubby changes his mind or what. Regardless, if a relationship ever came out of it, id like to be better friewnds with him before anything else, so i actually know him better, who knows, he could have some weird secret i dont know about or something that totally changed everything. So its a slow process for me, but im not forced, the husband only worries i dont act because of him so hes trying to reassure me, which i guess can come off as "hurry up and do something" but its not intended to be.
I appreciate your imput, i understand why that jumped out to you, it wasnt meant in that way.

BorisKitten
Newbie


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I'm a 43-year-old woman, so maybe my opinions aren't really relevant here. But from your posts I like you, and see you'd like more input, so here goes.

I wasn't a tomboy, but I was always very different from other women and a lot more "male" than most of them, because I was a sort of intellectual and had a really hard time fitting in. I wore boots and rode a motorcycle, and people often addressed me as "sir" before I spoke. For years, until I was about 30, I had mostly male friends. I didn't trust women either, and found them manipulative and competitive with me in ways men never were.

After 30, I realized that there are many things about me only women can understand. This happened in a single moment one day at work, when a woman I knew was complaining about PMS, and said they ought to put a salt lick in the break-room for us. I realized I had a lot more in common with women for one simple reason: only females knew what it was like to have a female body.

There are lots of women out there, young and old, who don't act all emotional and want to bake cookies all the time. I wish you could get out and meet some of them, because they are out there, strong women who aren't completely focused on men for their lives.

My feelings about marriage are almost completely opposite from yours! I'm too jealous to tolerate porn in our house, and I married a man who has no interest in porn (and neither do I). He's jealous of other men, too, and our marriage means our sexual relationship is totally exclusive. No swapping, not even flirting with the other sex is tolerated by either of us. We like it that way.

To me, a big reason for getting married is to state to the world, by wearing a wedding ring, that I have sex with my husband only, and he has sex with me only. I know a lot of couples aren't like this, and are into swapping partners and tolerate outside-of-the-marriage sex, but I always kind of wondered why they got married in the first place. It seems to me the very definition of marriage means you have sex only with your spouse.

While it's great to be open-minded, I personally strongly recommend that a marriage involve only the spouses sexually. I think it would be a really bad idea to involve a 3rd person, for reasons that won't be clear until after it happens, and then it's too late.

About your situation, while you may be happy, you sound really isolated. Is there any reason you couldn't learn to drive? Could you take a bus or ride a bike to somewhere you could meet new people? Even getting on the internet like this can help, and can be a good first step to getting out in the world and having a life of your own. This doesn't mean a separation from your husband, but I think you need to have your own experiences and such, even if only to have something more to talk about with your husband/friends.

What are your goals for the future? Are there things you want for yourself? Do you want to be free from anxiety? Would you be willing to work towards changing that? You don't have to answer these questions, they're just stuff to think about. I think it's important for you to follow your own goals for yourself, while holding hands with hubby, who is following his goals.

Hope this helps! I wish you the best of luck & strength & joy for the future.

I am isolated, but i guess its just natural, ive been isolated my entire life, i never even feel the need to leave the house and get out, and unless the hubby wants to go somewhere, i dont care. Ive been to therapists, taken madacines, been labeled, agoraphobic with general anxiety disorder and intense fear of death. I think thats pretty accurate, i guess ive just settled.
I know there are girls who dont talk about cooking and such, none of my girl friends ever did, but somehow along the lines, they met b/f had kids, had drugs in the mix, i didnt like that but tried to help, they baskstabbed and it was over. Im origonally from Florida, 3 months ago i moved up here to get away from parents and old friends. I know i should get out more, but honestly just have no desire to, its uncomfortable, and i dont see a point, i know i should, but at this time i just cant see the point other then wasting gas money.
Goals in my life, well, im losing weight constantly right now, hoping to go down a few sizes, i havea goal to someday have a job from home photoeditting because im good at it, i just need a piece of paper stating im good at it lol.
I do appreciate your opinions, i actually see your points and respect them. I felt similar to an extent, i understand why you feel "why be married" but honestly, if you asked me if id do this when i got married, or even think of it, id have laughed at you, even the porn usage, idhave laughed. But i was 18 and he was 19 and we were just "adults" so really we still had and have alot of growing up to do that we didnt realize. But were both different people now, just more curious. Id never planned something like this out though, as open as i am i never thought about being this open, hes fine withy it, and i like the idea, but if it went forward, it would actually take a long time.
Anyways, thank you, i know there are probobly girls out there who i might get along with, i just havent been fortunate to find them, normally if they think like me, they are on drugs, or alcohaulics for some reason, and im neither.
Im glad you have a great marraige where both of you can aggree to whats acceptable or not, those are rare these days.

BorisKitten
Newbie



Joined: 03 Jan 2005
Posts: 45
Location: Florida
Posted: Tue Jan 11, 2005 5:39 am Post: 1118028 -

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Sure wish I had a great marriage...our problem is money. He's been angry at me because I'm not working as much as he is, and we're working on a "contract" between us, which says I'll work, but he also has to do stuff to help the marriage, like try to be more sexual & affectionate with me (at 46 he's still very shy about physical affection). Anyway there's a thread I started about it, called "Problems..Marriage & Work: Equality?" or something like that.

We have lots of good things...being great pals is probably most important to us, having things in common, enjoying one another's company, sharing basic values of honesty & integrity, and such. But I don't think any Real People have perfect relationships, you know? Everyone has problems, they're just different.

I've been helped a whole lot by reading & posting here. I'm very shy myself, and find it a lot easier to "make friends" online than in person. Please stick around these boards and let us know how you're doing in the future, OK?

I think your goals are darned good ones. Maybe there are online classes for photo-editing where you could get a certification of some sort?

One thing that's really helped me overcome my fears is exercise. I've always disliked exercise, really, and only in the past few years have come to like it at all. I lift small weights at home, dumb-bells and ankle weights. I've learned that my brain doesn't know the difference between physical strength and emotional strength...I mean, when I work out, I feel emotionally stronger, and that's the only real reason I do it.

I used to go to gyms and such, but never liked all the hassle of getting dressed, driving, etc. So I started with 3-pound weights at home, where I can work out naked (so much better!) and at my own pace. It's amazing how much it helps!

The only hard part is getting started. I have to Make Myself start, but once I do I always feel better Instantly. Way better than any drugs. I've heard if you don't want to invest in weights (I got mine from thrift stores), you can start by lifting soup cans.

Anyway, just tossing out some ideas. Keep in touch with us, OK?

I will try, normally i keep an online journal and have other journals at a place called livejournal.com if you ever go there let me know and ill add you to my list, they dont know of this stuff though, better to get stangers opinions on this one.
I think about taking online courses from time to time, i will eventually.
Your right every couple has problems of some sort.
I did tie-bo for awhile there, and yes naked is better, but BRAS are needed to jump around like that. I also had this game called DDR and it came with a pad you put on the floor and plug into a game system and it plays music and has arrows going across the screen, you were to step on those arrow when they hit the top of the screen, THAT is a workout, plus you get to DANCE. I need to get my dance pad sent up here from florida, i do miss that game, not only did i excersise, i learned to DANCE and i liked that alot;)But for now, my predicament remains. The husband has invited The best firend out and we will all go out and eat and to a local bar so they can play pool well i actually enjoy watching but once they feel tipsy, the balls just fly lol.
But my big goal right now is self improvement, i decided i wanted to lose weight in november and now its january and ive lost 16 pounds, its a great feeling and i FEEL healthier because im not shoving so many bad foods down my throat.
But like i said, i have an online journal i normally post in day to day and it has this great option for "friends only posting" so it only lets who i add to my list read. But it also doesnt talk about the issue i posted here about. LOL! But it does talk about day to day life, and our outtings and all.

My concern: What is that about?



Poly relationships can work, so, if that's what you both want, here is some information:

Multiple, loving, caring relationships

Basically, Our car died and he took a greyhound 16 hours away to get a new one, but on a greyhound, he was riding for 24 hours, then spent the night there and drove 16 hours back home, before he left he told the firend to Check on me and talk with me and make sure im ok, which the firend was nice enough to do. Thats all
I appreciate the link BTW im reading now:)