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My Girlfriend Is Confused About Her Sexuality

 
 
C-N
 
Reply Wed 29 Nov, 2017 09:17 pm
My girlfriend and I have been dating for over two years. We are high school sweethearts and still love each other very much. There have been rough times (as with all relationships) but we always make it through and become stronger because of them. We have talked about being ready to get married and talked about having kids in the future, even having names picked out. We are very committed to each other and want the best for each other. This is my second year of college but it is her first year.

I noticed on Instagram that she had been liking multiple pictures of girls kissing and girls that were almost nude. I innocently asked her about this and she said said she didnt know why she did it. I was a little worried so I pressed more. She confessed that she had been having feelings towards girls for the last few months and didnt want to tell anyone. I believe that any sexual preference is ok so I tried to be supportive while also wanting to keep us together. She is very confused with her feelings and doesn’t know what she wants. She said she still loves me and wants to be with me but she feels she needs to explore her feelings. She hates herself for having these feelings because she doesn’t want to hurt me even though I tell her its not her fault. She says that she doesn’t find the idea of sex with guys as appealing as it used to be and that she has been thinking about kissing girls all day. We both struggle with depression and have talked each other out of suicide multiple times so I want to help her resolve her feelings and accept herself. I am not ok with her “testing” things with another girl as I consider this cheating. She knows I feel this way. We are also not interested in trying a threesome. She said she notices attractive girls more than she notices attractive guys, but she doesn’t know if it is just because her feelings towards girls are new and exciting. I dont know if this is a phase or if she is bisexual. Either way is ok with me but my problem is that I dont want our amazing relationship to end just so she can experiment with another girl. She told me that she wants to kill herself because of these feelings so I know it is very hard on her. I am trying to balance between being supportive and keeping the love of my life. It is also hard on me because I feel inadequate for not being enough for her. I know it seems petty in comparison but that doesn’t mean that my feelings dont matter.

I am looking for advice on what to do. My interests are to keep us together as I love her more than anything in the world and would be absolutely heartbroken if she left me. She is my only support for my depression so I dont know what I would do to myself if we broke up over this. We are both receiving help for our depression.

But I realize that my feelings are not the only ones that matter. I would also like advice aimed at helping my girlfriend understanding her feelings, what they mean, and if they are a passing phase or who she is.
If you need any more information to help your understanding of the situation, let me know and I will try to answer.
Thank you for any advice you leave.
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PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Wed 29 Nov, 2017 11:11 pm
It's important that your GF be authentic to herself. You must give her freedom to do that. It may be that you lose her, but you will not be able to keep her if she starts up another relationship, anyway.

Sorry, but that's what's to come.

May I ask your ages?
C-N
 
  0  
Reply Sat 2 Dec, 2017 10:46 pm
@PUNKEY,
I just turned 20 and she is 18.
0 Replies
 
Ddksem
 
  1  
Reply Mon 4 Dec, 2017 01:07 am
@C-N,
First off, I do not want to generalize. Each person is different, and what might help me, won’t necessarily help someone else.
When I realized that I was bisexual, I was extremely confused and conflicted, as, although I was a staunch supporter of LGBTQ+ rights, I never thought that I myself could ever experience attraction to people of the same sex. I did find myself feeling much more attracted to one gender over another at times.
When I first was trying to figure things out, I ended up exploring much more my attraction to people of the same sex, something I never had ever dared to do before, due to how supressed I kept those feelings.

First of all, I would recommend giving her some time, and not expecting an answer right away. It took me months and months to figure it out, with me thinking, nah, I have to be straight, to nah, I am a lesbian, to I guess I’m bi, before the cycle would start all over again. So just let her know that you are always there for her, that you love her, and offer to be a listening ear. If you think you are up to it, and if she is okay with it, ask her if she would like to talk about her attraction to people of the same gender, and of her attraction to people of other genders, including whatever gender you identify as. That way maybe it would result in her not feeling as if she has to keep these feelings buried, or suppressed.

Also, realize that being bisexual just means to have the capacity to be attracted to more than one gender. It doesn’t mean it is necessarily equal. Just because someone may be generally more attracted to girls than guys, does not mean that if they end up in a relationship with a guy, it is any less meaningful, or sincere. After, some people may prefer brunettes over blondes, but it doesn’t mean that they do not love, or somehow love less, their blonde partner.

Most of all, just tell her that you love her, and want the best for her, no matter what. If she ends up realizing that she only loves you as a friend, make sure neither of you feel forced to keep this relationship going, and see if you can remain friends. Tell her that she shouldn’t feel pressured to figure out how she feels immediately, and, if you are up for it, she can talk to you about it.

Just be open to conversation with her, especially in a manner that reaffirms that it is okay to be attracted to people of the same gender, and that she shouldn’t feel guilty about this. Ask her what could you talk about with her to help her out. Also be open with her about how you feel about all of this, and know that no one can ever be a perfect partner.

Also, she if she feels willing to reach out to some online resources where other (qualified and trained) people could help her figure her feelings out.

Again, as I said earlier, I don’t want to come off as ( I apologize if I do) condescending or arrogant, as if I know how to solve all of the world’s problems, and that this is the way to go. Again, I am sorry if I just pointed out seemingly obvious stuff you already knew and tried, and this is all for nothing I really have no clue if this would help or not, but I hope it could. At best, it will just give you something to think about.

I hope it all works out.
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apollofenix
 
  0  
Reply Sat 26 May, 2018 05:20 pm
@C-N,
It's clear she loves you and the fact that she 'wants to kill herself' because of these feelings means she internally punishing herself for potentially been bi or gay. This is who she is and she shouldn't think she is an awful person for been this way. It's clear from what you've said that she needs some space to breath, to figure out who she is. I think I read that she is 18? From my experience and my friends, this is an age where a person needs space to explore and grow.

By 'explore' this doesn't just mean going out and experimenting with girls but its about her finding who she is without such a strong commitment to you and this future you've promised each other. You two have been through a lot it seems and its clear you care about her. I don't think its wise to be so heavily mentally dependent on each other. Learn to be your own strength, that's the best way to live a happy life (I know its not easy but just sliding in some advice about that).

To be honest, and you wont like it, but it seems she wont be happy until she has the freedom she so clearly craves but is too scared to ask you for because she loves you. And if you guys stay together it sounds like it's not going lead you down a good path. It is really tough and you know your situation a lot better than I do, but given the information you've told us and given my own experince, I advice you to let her breath.

You can do that in whatever way you feel happiest. I, like you, could not go on a break with someone just so they can experinment. I would need a clean break up so I could move on. But it seems like you two could still be really good friends.
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