Is it every going to work?

Thu 23 Nov, 2017 04:12 pm
My boyfriend and I are in our young 20's and have been dating for about 2 years now.
We are both quite the same and since the beginning of the relationship had the agreement of no porn, no drugs, no open relationship. It was not forced from me, it was mutual.

For the past few months our entire relationship has gone down hill. We live a few cities apart, about a 45 minute drive. I have my license and a car since I live in a city with no transit and he doesn't have a car his since he has always used the bus. It does bug me that I always do the driving, but he gives me gas money, etc and it's not something I've every really cared about - it is what it is.

We clicked incredibly well and have become very close. We've talked multiple times about marriage and agree to do so in a few years from now once our lives are completely set in a straight line with no doubts that there'd be schooling or financial issues.

He has come to me a few times and apologized for watching porn and said he'll try his best not to do it again. I didn't care much and easily forgave him. A few months ago I was sitting beside him on the couch and asked to use his phone to look something up. He handed it over and I knew his password and pulled up his browser to find porn. He snatched his phone away, turned red, and it ended in a nasty fight. He did it while I was in the shower and it did make me pretty angry. It was one of our first terrible fights and kind of just faded off and subsided. Since then, he's lied endlessly about watching porn besides the fact I've found out so many times.

For the past few months I've smelt weed on him a few times. I confusedly questioned him and he said he was either at a party and didnt smoke, was with his friend and didn't smoke, and all the like. He did end up signing up for counselling once I found out that he's been hiding it but I just found out last week he hadn't gone to barley any of his sessions while he was telling me he was. He always tells me he is at work, is with a friend, is shopping with his mom, etc. while I find out hours of days later that he was high. I think I'd be okay with him smoking once in awhile, and I told him this, and told him it's just the lying that hurts me. He reciprocates by telling him I' cold, closed off, he can't come to me with his problems and that he doesn't feel safe telling me if he smoked. I never start off or initiate conversation harshly. More like, 'anything you've struggled with lately? hey babe... the other day when you let me use your phone I saw this....it hurts that you lied to me'. I admit I can get a bit nasty once a fight initiates, but it is not like me to attack him.

ADDITIONALLY, a few months back he was messaging a girl, saying how they cant hang out because he couldnt hold himself back from 'doing things to her'. I was not okay with this and got extremely angry after keeping quiet for a week or so about it to see if he'd come forward. It ended up with him blocking and cutting her off, but again, he lied before, even if he did cut her off.
He lies about everything, even the smallest things.
As of 40 minutes ago he told me he was going to go to his first day of his new office job. Low and behold, his friend messaged me wondering if I knew when my bf would be at his place.

For the last 3 or so weeks, he will randomly not talk to me for days. For months he's lacked in being sensitive to my feelings, will make rude remarks, will randomly hang up or stop texting if I'm sad or stressed about something. I'll confront him on not talking to me for days and he again uses the ' you arent there to support me' when all I've done is be loving, supportive, and give him space when he wants it throughout the beginning til now. I know I am not lacking in that and he wont give me a reason as to why he feels that way. I am willing to change my approach to him and how I handle his feelings to benefit the both of us and have relayed that to him.

I am starting to despise this lying, uncaring, compulsive man. He 'is' a good guy and is why I fell in love with him, but he's changing and I don't know why. He is not the same as before. I have tried being forgiving, patient, and tried to understand why he is acting this way from every angle but I can't wrap my head around it. Is it me? Why could he be treating me this way? All we do is fight every few days about the stupidest things. I'd say it's about a 50/50 fault at initiating these fights, but he blames it on me EVERY SINGLE time. He is making me feel unwanted, unloved, and so confused. I've told him all of this and he apologizes, cried because he hurt me and promises he will change but it returns to the same old same old, if not worse. It is draining me, stressing me out, and my romantic relationship is the biggest stress in my life when it should be the opposite. I want to make it work and I WANT to trust him, but I dont know how. I won't say that I havent had my share of problems, but I am fighting for this relationship while it feels he just isn't.
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Fri 24 Nov, 2017 08:44 am
kmaaaa wrote:


I am starting to despise this lying, uncaring, compulsive man. He 'is' a good guy and is why I fell in love with him, but he's changing and I don't know why. He is not the same as before.

This is your gut talking. Please listen to it. He is on a downward spiral. Don't let him drag you down with him.

And, I might add, one of the things that addicts in particular (and yes, this can mean weed) need to do is hit rock bottom. Having a relationship, even one with fighting, is a means of enabling that, because on top of his other issues he also feels he doesn't have to try so hard to attract someone (sorry).

By ending it, you create that difficulty for him, and it might be enough of a kick in the pants for him to realize that things are not all right with him.

I know it's hard because he's a human being with issues and your heart is not made of stone. But you need to consider your own self-preservation now.
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Fri 24 Nov, 2017 08:49 am
Time to move on. You know it, you are just waiting for other people to tell you how immature he is.

He's on his way to problems if his pot use is affecting his job or motivation to work, and relationships.

Guys in their 20's often have a lot of growing up to do. You are past his maturity level now. His pot use is pulling him back even more.

Set him free so he can grow up.
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