is there any point in you staying married?
That's exactly what I'm asking myself.
Please don't call him "f*uck buddy", that's not what he is to me. We have a strong emotional connection, sex isn't what it's about.
I get certain things from my husband. Financial security (his job pays well and we live a comfortable life, big house, can afford good schools etc. I could never afford by myself, certainly not with 2 kids), his help and support with daily life tasks, his family (my family is far, and broken; we live close to his family and they help and present a lot), and just having someone to share life with, knowing I'm not alone, knowing there is someone who wants to live with me.
The other man, I get emotional things from him. Support and understanding in the mental emotional way, and conversation. I'm sure he would be a good loving step father for my kids, if they accepted him, but he's so different from my husband, and his lifestyle is different too. He has a job, two actually, but it's not a career with promotions, and he earns much less. And doesn't have the supportive family my husband does. Not that money matters to me, I'm just worried about practical aspects, how things would be.
Basically what I'm asking is: If I left, my kids would grow in a broken family, but there could be peace and love in the house. I could have a chance for real love, and maybe feel better, and my kids would feel it too. If I stay, like now, my husband and I are like companions, friends who share a house and raise children. He wants more than that, but even without that problem, we often disagree, fight, argue, our kids get a bad example of love and marriage and parenting, and while they grow up in a full family, it may still break something in them, and who knows, what if few years from now, when they are adolescents and realize how things are between their parents, they will hate us, hate me for raising them in such conditions, for not loving their father?
Logically I know we got to this point together. Having children is both parents' responsibility, and so is marriage, and more generally the whole relationship. But I can't stop feeling this terrible guilt, feeling that it's all my fault, that I deceived everyone including myself.
I want my husband to be with another woman who would be much better for him, and he would have the sex he wants. I wouldn't mind that. I'd even feel better. But he doesn't have anyone else, at least not that I know of. We both chose each other for the wrong reasons. It's clear to me now (but not to him).
How do I make the best decision here?
I already made the basic decision to stay, I've been trying to make peace with my husband and be better friends, work on our differences. I feel good when we make some progress or when we laugh together, but then eventually we argue again, we fight and the kids hear that. I fear that I can't fix my relationship, and we will always fight like this. I also have my own needs. I don't want to fall back to depression.
How far should I go to try fixing my marriage? And what should my goal be? To convince my husband to divorce? Or to have an open marriage?
What's best for my kids?