Need help..

Hello LMFamily,

I'm afraid there is nothing you haven't done already
to please your husband, and if he isn't happy now he
never will be.

Tell me, what do you get in return? Does he read your
wishes? Does he pamper you and treat you in a loving
way, any wife deserves to be treated? My guess is No!

You are not responsible for your husbands shortcomings
from his childhood. You are not his parent you are his
wife, and you have needs and wants too which he doesn't
seem to care about.

You have to see yourself as a beautiful flower that needs
watering and nourishing from time to time in order to
bloom. Right now, what your getting is no water and
no nourishment. How long can you go on before you're
wilted and dried up?

Unless you become a cactus and show him your needles,
I suggest do something for yourself: get counseling and
try to focus more on your needs that don't get taken
care off.

calamityjane.. he is not as bad as I may have sounded in my post.. sorry if I misleaded..

I'll elaborate giving an example..

For the past couple of months his situation at work is pretty bad. He is working very long hours and spends only couple of hours at home, mainly has dinner and sleeps.

His un-voiced expectations:
a. I should keep his breakfast ready
b. I should keep whatever ne needs to wear ready.
c. I should keep his lunch packed. Lunch should be adequate. One time he was more hungry than average, and the lunch fell short. I was flamed for that.

None of these were told to me. Whenever it ceased to happen he got angry and I realised he wanted me to read his mind.

Since his time at work is very stressful he needs me to support him completely at home. I work too but mine is a very comfortable job. 8:00 to 5:00.

Anyone ever had to deal with a situation like this?

I have a very high level of self-confidence. So I don't feel very dejected by his behaviour. I know it is his problem and not mine. But I want him to be happy and not think that I am not supporting him or don't love him enough.

Water and nourishment.. oh I get plenty of them from people I know.. I will never be short of that but not from him and does not matter since I know he has a problem and unless we get it corrected I will not get any water and nourishment from him


Thanks for a sympathetic ear.

Sorry LMFamily,
I didn't mean to misinterpret your situation, your first
posting insinuated you were unfulfilled in the marriage
and don't get enough love and attention (to get away from the
watering plant )

Are you also working, LoveMyFamily? What I'm getting at is, these expectations may be unvoiced, but they don't sound unreasonable, unless you are also working long hours.

I understand
I understand. Your husband doesn't want a wife -- he wants a mother. He wants someone to take care of him. Not only do you work a full time job, but YOU are also responsible for feeding and clothing him. You are responsible for getting him breakfast, packing his lunch, and making sure his work clothes are clean and pressed. What does he do at home? Eat and sleep.

You both work, but you're the nurturing MOM and he's the sulky boy/man.

Instead of sulking about how stressful his job is and how you should just KNOW what needs to be done to HELP HIM and make his life easier, maybe he should get off his self-centered pity pot, iron his own damn shirt, and do it with a smile on his face. His life (and yours) would be a lot more pleasant if he accepted a little more personal responsibility for his own happiness and daily needs.

My man also works LONG, stressful hours. He owns his own business and works 10-12 hours every day. He barely ever takes a day off. This month, he has a lot of extra stress because his father is having surgery next week -- at an out of state medical center. He's driving his parents there this weekend and he will stay with his mom until his dad is out of surgery. He's worried for his parents.

This week, he filled my vehicle with gas and he keeps asking me what else HE can do for me before he leaves on his trip. He thinks about my needs even when he's busy and has other worries on his mind.

This morning, my man got up at 4:00 a.m. The cats woke him up, but he didn't complain. He couldn't fall back to sleep. Before leaving for work, he shoveled ours and our neighbor's driveway and the sidewalk. When he got home from work, he did the dishes. Then he took me shopping and out for a bite to eat.

I also try to keep my man's work clothes clean and pressed -- but sometimes I slack off. If his shirts are still in the ironing basket -- he will iron his own shirt. If I even say anything like, "Oh honey, I'm sorry I didn't get your shirts ironed -- let me do that for you," HE will say something like this: "That's okay honey, I'm a big boy -- don't worry about it." He always has a smile on his face.

Daily life can either be a drudgery or a delight. But your gloomy husband just wants to focus on how difficult things are and what YOU should be doing to make life easier for HIM. Hmmmmm. Maybe he should accept personal responsibility for his day, understand that sometimes things ain't perfect and you just have to suck it up, and try to make life a little easier and more pleasant for himself AND YOU. In your shoes, that's the message I would try to convey to sulky boy.

Nightly back scratching
On a more positive note, one of the things that I do for my man to help him feel loved and pampered after a long day of work is to scratch his back at bedtime. He loves it. It's relaxing and -- I swear -- he purrs like one of our cats because he enjoys it so much. Sometimes, after the back scratching, I will lotion up his back and massage out the muscle bundles that develop from tension or lifting.

The back scratching has become a nightly bedtime ritual in our home because it's so relaxing and enjoyable for both of us. It's also a time when we can talk about anything and everything. Our conversations are always pleasant.

I'm not saying that a nightly back scratching / sometimes massage session is the answer to your problems -- but you might be surprised how well a man can treat you when you literally scratch his back every night and make him purr like a cat! The tensions of the day just melt away . . . .

Debra_law.. wow I am impressed to hear about your husband. I wish I had one like that. My dad was like that .. a big man who knew how to take care of himself and not depend on my mom for every silly thing. I am more like my dad.. very independent. I don't like when people do my work for me.

But my husband is not like that. He sulks .. and I want to help him out. your back scratching idea.. I really liked. I will try it out too. He should feel loved that is all I want.

Roger.. I do not work long hours. Mine is a very comfortable job. 8:00 - 5:00 and the expectations are always met because when I make breakfast I make for everybody. I cannot be a selfish woman who just makes her breakfast and lunch and leave her husband to make his own. But if for some reason, say the bread was over or there was not enough butter in the fridge... I just had it. If the butter is over, does it mean I love him any less.. no of course not. But he surely ends up sulking.

calamity_jane My fulfillment comes from the people I know and not from my husband. People who know me appreciate the effort I put in to make the relationship work. But that does not make me love him any less, because I know he has problems.

welcome
I like my hard-working, pleasant fella. I would never trade him for another.

Welcome to A2K, LoveMyFamily. I'm sure other members will be by tomorrow and offer you more suggestions on how to deal with the unpleasantness of living with someone who sulks over the trivial inconveniences in life and turns those inconveniences into mind-boggling tests of love. (If she truly loved me, she would have made sure there was enough butter for my sandwich.) I can't imagine allowing the temporary lack of bread or butter in the house to ruin even one moment of my day. If there isn't enough butter in the house -- a trip to the grocery store to buy more generally resolves the problem.

Of course, maybe my view of the world is too simplistic. LOL

Take care.

LMF I think the problem is not very complicated or insurmountable. The problem lies with your husband and his perception of how a man behaves.
Somehow he's gotten the idea(perhaps in his childhood, watching his parents interact) that a man doesn't communicate needs,wishes and fears. Almost every trait we bring into a marriage is formed in our childhood.
You mentioned how much you respect your father. I think you have expectations that your husband be more like your father. And your husband has expectations that you be more like his mother.
These communication problems are easy to solve with the help of a reputable marriage counselor.
Don't be convinced that the problem lies only with him. Go into a session with an open mind and together you can break down these walls.

Hi LMF! It sounds like the problem is your husand's expecting you to "read his mind." This is unreasonable, but not insurmountable. He needs to find a better way to communicate his expectations, rather than sulking.

Have you tried to the book "Fighting For Your Marriage?" It's by Markman, Stanley, & Blumberg. They have good techniques & advice about communication in couples. Would your husband be willing to go through this book with you?

I think many people go into a marriage with this sort-of-silly idea that their spouse should be a mind-reader. Really, an unspoken need is usually an unmet one. So it's not all that uncommon a problem. Also, if your husband learns to communicate his needs vocally, he may see they are a little silly (hopefully, anyway!)

You have a lot more patience and tolerance than I do. I would have said, "Make your own danged toast then!" or something of the sort....

LMF
It sounds to me that your husband is treating you like a mother and a maid. You work full time, have a child to take care of, most likely are the one who does the laundry, groceries and cleans the house, so if you add up all the hours it takes you to do all this work and add it to your full time job hours, I'd be willing to bet that you work even longer hours than he does. He sounds like a spoiled child who thinks women were put here to cater to him.
If he's not happy with the meals you make him, I'd tell him to make his own damned meals.
I'm hearing about all this stuff you do for him, but I haven't heard one thing that he does for you and this is going to drag you down in time.

Welcome to A2K.

Thanks for all the replies. It's good to realise that there may be some problems with me too as panzade mentioned. It is very difficult to see our own fault, I agree.

Fighting for your marriage.. Yes I will go through it. I am not sure if my husband will be convinced enough to read this book. For everything he has one excuse... I work so hard that I just don't have time.

Montana.. sometime I wonder whether I am a maid or a wife. I work and do everything at home almost without any help. My 3 year old helps all within his capabilities and I really appreciate it. As for my husband.. he just does not have the time(His excuse). Sometimes I get afraid of being completely burnt out .. this was one of those times when I was feeling it and I decided to seek some help.


Thanks again.