Help! I'm going to leave!!

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Hi. My name is Robin and I need someone to talk to about my marriage.
I am considering leaving my husband of 17 years. For the past 2 years or so, I have not been happy at all. I will try to explain as best I can, however I am not very good with words. Please excuse the language in some areas, I have bleeped out most of it...
About 10 years ago he cheated on me. He has yet to admit it, but we all know it's true. He "suddenly" decided he did not love me anymore. He left me and Steven(our son, who was 5 at the time) on top of a mountain with no food or money or phone and no way to go anywhere. He was too busy with his new bit** to even take me to the grocery store. I am not exaggerating here. He actually came to pick me up to take me to the store one time and half way there I said if you don't want to do this then don't...he did a U turn in the middle of the street and was taking me back home so fast my head was spinning!! I remember one time standing on the side of the road with him and crying and begging him to at least tell me why and he had sunglasses on, I guess to hide is guilty face, and I reached up to move them so he could LOOK ME IN THE EYES and he jerked away and said "Don't you f***in' touch me!" in a tone like he was chatting about the weather.
So anyway, now that I sit here thinking of leaving, I can't help but go back to that day and the casual way he dumped us and wonder why it's so hard for me to leave.
The problems in our marriage are for one, the cheating. He has not done it again (that I know of) but he never admitted that he was. That has always hurt me. And the fact that he has a twin brother that is here ALL THE TIME. For the past 3 years, this man has come over here every single day. Spent the whole entire day here watching TV and (btw, they both "dip" snuff) making awful spitting and hocking noises. Hes disgusting! He doesn't lift the seat when he pees, and then pees all over the damn floor in the bathroom. I have said something to my husband about this and he keeps blowing me off. I guess his brother is more important in his life. There is more to the story, but this post is already too long Smile

I have already talked to my brother, who lives in Va, and he said I could come stay with him. Now this would be about 900 miles away, as I live in TN right now.
If anyone out there can help, or maybe just someone to talk to, please reply.....as I am at my wit's end! LOL!
Thanks,
Robin

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I know you will get posts saying things like 'go into couple counselling' and 'try to keep communication going'. But it seems that communication has ended, and he sounds like (forgive me) a complete pig! I say go! Leave him, make a new start. Be strong and courageous, for the sake of your son, who will be damaged by the unhealthy relationship, and will learn from his father's mistreatment of you.

Vancouver is a place you can start again. You need peace and harmony in your life. Time to breathe, make plans for the future and re-evaluate what is important to you.

Your post wasn't too long, it was heartfelt, and I feel for you!

Sarah.

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Thank you! Smile

And yes, even tho it was 10 years ago, it still hurts. Another thing that is making me really think this over is that I will have to leave our son with his father. He is a good father, although he tends to ignore Steven a bit. Like Steven will ask to go to the store and, before he can get the words out, Teddy says no. However, when his BROTHER calls and needs to go to the store, (he lost his license a year ago due to DUI) he jumps. How does that make Steven feel? But, I cannot imaging pulling him up from school and friends. And he has said he wants to stay here. I will get him on Summer vacation, and he love VA Beach! LOL!!
Thanks again for your advice... Smile

Hugs,
Robin

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I'm usually one of the counselling types, but the response I'd mentally composed before I'd seen smorgs' post was, "Why NOT leave?" What's keeping you there?

Have you talked to Steven in terms of only seeing him during the summer? He may prefer that everyone stays in the same place, but if given the choice of staying with his father and staying with you, he may prefer you. Not sure how far away Tennessee and Virginia are, but would it have to be school year/ summer? Not more of a weekend deal, or something?

From what you say, you are more than justified in up and leaving your husband. I'm a little concerned about your (15-y-o, right?) son feeling abandoned, too, though.

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Well, yes, I have discussed it with Steven. He's 16. A lot of the people I have talked to said "How DARE you speak to your son about this before talking to you husband. They feel it is wrong for me to place that burden on him. However, I wanted him to know what was going on and be informed so that it's not a huge shock to him. Maybe I was wrong, but I feel I did best for my son. He thinks it would be better if I did move to VA. Believe it or not! LOL!! My first reaction was Wow son! ..LOL!
But he's a very bright young man and thinks that because I am on disability, financially I cannot live on my own, much less having him with me. And my brother is going to pay all my expenses, and just take out enought to pay a few monthly bills from my check and give me the rest. Again, financially it is best for him to stay with his father, although I would love to take him with me.

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in my English ignorance, I thought you meant Vancouver/Toronto...sorry!

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LOL! Oh it's no problem. I should have been more specific. Very Happy

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Wow, I really feel for you. But I think your leaving is the right thing to do. It sounds like your son will be OK....at 16 you're a lot more able to deal with this sort of thing than a younger child would be. And he sounds really well-adjusted, too.

I think your husband will come after you and beg you to come back. Seems people like this only realize what they had when it's gone. Don't go back!

It's a darned good time to think about how much better your future can be than your past was. You must have suffered so much, for so long, and now that big suffering will be gone, over, off your shoulders forever. It'll be hard for you, yes, but such a big relief! Think about your own future, what you want to do, where you want to live, how you want your life to be, and work towards that.

Congratulations on getting out! It's the right thing to do!

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Welcome robin042, and sorry about your situation. Everyone has given you good advice here. The only concern I would have is that leaving your son with his father means he will more than likely turn out just like him. That might happen even if you take him with you, but it's sure to happen if he stays behind.

Good luck to you.

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OK I have to get out my counseling advice after all -- I really worry about your son for a few different reasons. One is that he sounds like a mature 16 but he's still 16. 16 year olds aren't allowed to vote (for example) for a reason, and the reason is that their brains are still developing and their understanding of consequences (for example) is not yet fully formed.

This just doesn't seem like a decision that should be made by him -- it doesn't seem to me like his saying it would be fine is enough basis for you to feel OK about doing it.

If you get divorced, you should be entitled to some money from your now-husband to help you out with your son.

So the counseling thing is to get some professional advice somewhere, perhaps you and your son going together. I can easily see that this is the kind of thing that could spiral out of control if not dealt with thoroughly at the outset.

Good luck.

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Yes, these folks have a Very Good Point about your son.

Going to counselling with your son might be a really good idea. What do you think?

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I agree. I think that I should consider going to counceling with him.
I will have him all summer, so I don't really think that I am "leaving him"...
And , yes, he is a very mature 16y/o. We have pretty much been living without my husband emotionally for about three years.
Thank you everyone for the great advice!!
Hugs,
Robin

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Hi
You are carrying a substantial amount of deep hurt.

I was with my ex-husband off and on for about 20 years before I could finally let go and move on with my life. Over the many years I have known my ex-husband, he has definitely grown and matured as a person. He is a much better man today then when I first met him -- and although I have forgiven him the enormous hurt that he has caused me in the past -- I have not forgotten.

Although you can eventually forgive, it isn't likely that you will ever forget the pain that your husband has inflicted upon you. I'm sure that thinking about the events of ten years ago hurts just as much today as it did then. He has never acknowledged that his bad behavior hurt you nor has he made amends. There has never been any resolution to the past pain. New hurts and insults have been piled on top of the old hurts and insults.

You're entitled to be happy. If you can't find happiness with your spouse, then leaving your marriage might be the best option for you. However, I don't think you're thinking clearly when you're considering leaving your son with this man. Your son might appear supportive of your decision now because he loves you and wants you to be happy -- but two or three years from now -- he might resent you for leaving him behind.

Even if you're planning on moving to another state, your son will adjust to the move. It will be a new adventure that he can share with you. Where there's a will, there's a way. Get a good divorce attorney. Get spousal support and child support. If you own a house or other property -- sell it. You can find a way to afford having your son with you if plan. Don't leave him behind simply because you think he'll be better off financially with his father. What good is being better off financially if your son will not be better off emotionally? What good will it be if he ends up feeling that you abandoned him?

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Quote:

Although you can eventually forgive, it isn't likely that you will ever forget the pain that your husband has inflicted upon you. I'm sure that thinking about the events of ten years ago hurts just as much today as it did then. He has never acknowledged that his bad behavior hurt you nor has he made amends. There has never been any resolution to the past pain. New hurts and insults have been piled on top of the old hurts and insults.

Thank you. As I was reading that, I was balling like a baby! It was like you were inside of me. Just, thank you...
Although he has never been there for me, he has always been very supportive of our son. He loves him very much and I am sure he will do everything in his power to see that he is ok. (he knows I would come and string him up by his balls if he didn't...LOL)

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What grade is your son in? If he's a junior then perhaps with counseling for you and your son you could stick it out for one more year until he graduates and then you could move on without uprooting him. If he's a sophmore then he'll have more than two years to settle into a new school in VA. Or, is there an issue with bringing you son to your brother's with you?

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Well, the only "issue" is that my brother is gay. And, my son is a junior in High School.

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Do you think your husband would have a problem with your son living with your brother?

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At age 16 most states would give your son a vote about where and with which parent he would choose to live.

If he chose to move with you to his uncle's house, his father would be obligated to pay support.

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That's just it. He has already chosen. He wants to stay here with his dad...and come to VA for the summers.

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No, my husband wouldn't.

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Help! I'm going to leave!!

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