3
   

Do I even still have hope left?

 
 
Reply Tue 24 Oct, 2017 03:47 am
My wife and I been together for 14 years... we have 3 kids about to hit that high school years

Our 1st year getting married I’ve cheated with some old “girl friends” I did get caught. Was told from my wife to stop or it’s over. I did stop to make our family as a whole, a good one.

We both work full time jobs, but at times. I just want to relax and do nothing. She gets upset and we start fighting (I don’t help or no anything) she said I fell like a single parent I do it all with the kids. At times I do help, but I fell likes it’s no enough for her liking.

I have a very high sex drive and it’s always been a issue with her... I always hear (my head hurts, I’m tired, or not tonight) me as a man I get upset and we fight then she gives in. It’s one of our biggest issues we have (sex) I love it and try new things or I even ask her at time.
She is the type who like it fast 1,2,3 and it’s over... I’m more of taking time and enjoying it.

The last 4 months just been so crazy... one night she comes home and says (I’m done I want out of this marriage)

I cried, I beg I did everything possible for her to give me a chance. Her worlds was.... I feel like a maid and a hooker where I have to reward you wiTh sex.

Then she said (we are broken up) I need to work on me to make me fell better.

I started to do everything to help her around the house and with our kids. She would tell me (y couldn’t u do all this before)? All I can say was I’m sorry and looking for 1 final chance.

Few week go by and she says (I’m doing to much and way to fast, I need u to stay at your moms house)

I was like wtf? Y? I’m trying to change for our family. how Am I going to change when I’m at my moms house? I need to be in our house. Her rely was (I did it for some many years, I can do it when u are not here)

We at the point where I’m at my moms and see my kids Friday-Sunday, but she telling me I can come whenever I like. I still have house keys, but this will be the 1st weekend that she is going to stay at her days house for the weeekend.

I try to do small talks during the day and some times she don’t reply back, I say I love u, she says I know u do or even tell her babe I miss u, she reply back I know u do... that gets me upset to hear that. We don’t kiss on the lips anymore just on forehead.


Our anniversary was about a month ago, we both went out and I felt like I was going out with a friend instead of my wife. She would try things like... head on my shoulder, holding my had when walking and saying I had a great time out. Yet again at time she was walking with her hands in pocket or not walking side by side.

Few days passed after our anniversary night and I posted on Facebook “no matter what I do u don’t change” she text me saying “u are correct I haven’t change since the night I told u “I’m done and want out of this marriage” u really need to stay at your moms house

This comment are most recent within this month...... So her worlds “We r done. We will continue therapy and see if that helps so maybe in the future we can work this out but there is not gaurantees”

At the same time she still pays all our bills wash my close as she tells me “I don’t want your mom doing it”

During our 1st marriage session she told me “I lost all respect for u as a man after the fight we had and I pushed my son”

She still takes money from my check for house bills for our apt as I still in my moms house

One day I didn’t text her so she can have space and she got upset.... I’m like u ask for space so I’m giving it to u.

What do I do? Is it over or not? I’m just so confused at this point in life!!!

This is my very 1st marriage and I love this women so much. will do whatever she ask me to do for that 1 single chance again to make this all correct in our lives

Thank you for your help
 
jespah
 
  4  
Reply Tue 24 Oct, 2017 04:22 am
When you care for your children, it's not 'helping out'. It's 'doing what you need to do'. It's 'being a parent'. I know you may feel I'm getting hung up on semantics, but when people refer to caring for their own children as helping or as babysitting then they have checked out of being a part of raising them. Instead, they have given over that work to someone else. In your case, your wife.

And your wife has been dealing with this for over a decade.

She also saw through your attempts to clean, cook, do carpool, or whatever in a frantic attempt to 'fix' everything because she probably feels it'll all go back to the way it was when you feel you're all set again. She sees it for the band-aid that it is.

She felt like she was being taken for granted, even if she has not said those specific words.

Go back to therapy. Start talking about real and permanent changes so that you are part of the household instead of being a guy who lives in a boarding house, occasionally has sex with the hostess, and occasionally takes the kids to soccer or whatever, and then runs off to work or relaxes while the world revolves around him. And even if I am exaggerating or outright wrong, she may very well be seeing it somewhat like that.

Go and talk about how life will really change, whether it's to work fewer hours or get up earlier or take on the role of soccer carpool or whatever, and then put your money where your mouth is.

It may be too late, by the way, but I believe parents should at least give it one last try before ending it. Recognize this might not be enough, but it's worth a shot.
Enriquerosado3
 
  1  
Reply Tue 24 Oct, 2017 04:40 am
@jespah,
Therapy we are still going to go hopefully we can work things out for our marriage. As we both Agree to. I will work on becoming a better father and husband.

I also truly think she is holding back for a last chance because I always go back to the person “not helping etc”. After all that’s been going on, I’ve come to see the light and not have myself and her go through all this pain again. That if she is willing to give me a last chance again.

She really open my eyes to see what I have done and I’m trying to make it better day by day, but how Can I when I’m not around only on the weekends? Should I go over during the work week to help with the kids, cook dinner etc..? And then go to my moms house?

I just have no clue on what to do feels like I’m walking on ice and need to be very careful



Thank u for replying!!!
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Tue 24 Oct, 2017 09:24 am
The fact that you don't know what to do says volumes about you.

Why don't you ASK your wife what she needs around the house that can ease her burden?

Then ask her what and where you two should go for help to discuss the relationship and how to deal with the children/house/finances. A marriage counselor can help with this - even if it's just how to break up amicably.

This is a lesson for you: What you profess is " Love" is not enough to keep people together. She knows you love her - in your own way, how you think it should be expressed.

That's not what she wants any more.



ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 24 Oct, 2017 10:00 am
@Enriquerosado3 ,
Enriquerosado3 wrote:

We both work full time jobs, but at times. I just want to relax and do nothing.

At the same time she still pays all our bills wash my close as she tells me “I don’t want your mom doing it”


seriously

this is all you needed to post

___


I can't believe your wife didn't kick you to the curb years ago

you both work full-time
you want to relax
she does your laundry and pays the bills

you're thinking of helping with the home and children

wtf?!?!?!?

no.

you are supposed to be equal partners. that means you needed to step up years ago

__

I hope you have an excellent counsellor and that you are very open to listening and talking.

Even if the marriage ends, I hope you understand that you need to be an active participant in parenting as well as in whatever relationship you and your current wife have in the future.
Enriquerosado3
 
  1  
Reply Tue 24 Oct, 2017 01:55 pm
@PUNKEY,
We are going to marriage counseling as this will be or 2nd time

As for asking I do and she telling me it’s ok I can do it... I put myself there if she needs me for anything.

Thank you for the feedback
Enriquerosado3
 
  1  
Reply Tue 24 Oct, 2017 01:58 pm
@ehBeth,
I’ve ask Multiple times if she wanted help... never said I was “thinking” I was when she told me I was done and needed a brake.

I hear where u are coming from and thank you!!
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 24 Oct, 2017 02:17 pm
@Enriquerosado3 ,
Enriquerosado3 wrote:

I’ve ask Multiple times if she wanted help


this is the problem

you are thinking that you are assisting her in running the home. that's not how partnerships work.

the things she does around the house/for the family aren't her assignment that you can maybe help with

they are jobs for both of you and you seem to have gone with wanting to relax instead

do the family laundry. do the cooking. do the vacuuming.

don't ask.

do.

___

It may not help with salvaging your current relationship but maybe you can learn something that will help you in future relationships
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Tue 24 Oct, 2017 02:19 pm
@Enriquerosado3 ,
Enriquerosado3 wrote:
I put myself there if she needs me for anything.


again.

you are a parent, part of a family, not your wife's assistant if she needs help.

put yourself out there. get chores done without asking, without being asked.

cook , clean, take children to their events, do the shopping.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 24 Oct, 2017 02:21 pm
@Enriquerosado3 ,
Enriquerosado3 wrote:
Should I go over during the work week to help with the kids, cook dinner etc..? And then go to my moms house?


make plans with the children. do their laundry.

offer to bring over dinner. clean up after the meal.

do things

___

When was the last time you and your wife had a date night? when did she last go to the spa/get a manicure?
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Tue 24 Oct, 2017 03:32 pm
Full time employed, all household duties are hers, three kids. (Bet you weren't that involved) - she must have bern exhausted all these years.

Then there's you who likes to "do nothing" after working and wonder why she's not interested in sex, again to fulfill your needs.

Yiurs is not an unusual story. Couples who are in marriages like yours look at each other after the babies don't need them any more and find that they don't want to grow old with each other.

You need to find out how to make your wife fall in live with you again. It might be too late.

A housekeeper some years ago may have helped.
Enriquerosado3
 
  1  
Reply Tue 24 Oct, 2017 03:56 pm
@PUNKEY,
I wasn’t that involved yes her 80% me 20% very said to say. Have I Realized? Yes I have and I’m doing to best that I can to help in anyway possible.

Is it late? I have no clue but I will keep pushing to help her needs and our kids Day to Day events without asking!!!
0 Replies
 
Enriquerosado3
 
  2  
Reply Tue 24 Oct, 2017 04:01 pm
@ehBeth,
It’s so funny as today I remember that she had a doctors appointment so I took the Liberty to call her and say I would be over to cook the kids dinner tonight so u don’t have to worry about it. As I know u would be home very late. Her reply “oh ok thank you leave me a plate out” that made be feel really good

Beth thank u for speaking the truth as it s harsh but I got the point!!
jespah
 
  4  
Reply Tue 24 Oct, 2017 05:07 pm
@Enriquerosado3 ,
This - do more of this.

You don't have to grovel; that's not the point or the intention (or the best thing to do). Instead just, be thoughtful.

This is what we say in my house: See a chore, do a chore.

There's no 'ask' in there. There's no 'help' and there's no frantic fixing, either.

The dishwasher is full of clean dishes? Then if you see that, you start putting the dishes away - and if someone else sees you doing that, they take up some of the task as well. No milk in the fridge? Then head over to the store and ask, "Need anything while I'm out?"
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Tue 24 Oct, 2017 05:22 pm
@Enriquerosado3 ,
Now that's terrific.

Work on that approach being your default.

Do things. That's what works.

Smile
Enriquerosado3
 
  1  
Reply Tue 24 Oct, 2017 08:56 pm
@ehBeth,
Tonight update, After heading home to make dinner... she was happy and Thankful tonight.....

Then we spoke and it wasn’t good at all. Her worlds “I dont see u as my husband, or the person I loved before. I’m truly sorry but the change U have done is to late and I can’t tell u want the future holds. I need to love myself again. We can still go to Marriage counseling, but yet again. I will not promise u anything. I will only call u for the kids nothing more as I don’t want u to get mix feelings”

So ya, what do I do? Where do I go? I might be a sucker for saying this, but I will continue to fight for my family, but will also start working on myself to get better and be a good person!!!

Funny thing she said is this... I’m going to still take money out of your account for bills for the house. As I’m staying at my moms? I’m like really? Ok np at all I’m not going to give up on us!!!
0 Replies
 
Enriquerosado3
 
  2  
Reply Tue 24 Oct, 2017 08:59 pm
@jespah,
I will keep doing and hopefully she can see the change it me
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Wed 25 Oct, 2017 07:12 am
@Enriquerosado3 ,
You need to see a divorce lawyer asap.
0 Replies
 
sgm30
 
  0  
Reply Sun 3 Dec, 2017 12:50 pm
@Enriquerosado3 ,
I can understand how your wife feels in regards to feeling like she's doing all the household duties, and parenting. Hopefully she hasn't really checked out of the marriage, you are living separately, but that doesn't mean she's checked out completely. Sometimes when we do things that cause pain, it leaves a scar. What you did in the beginning of your marriage, left a scar. Its easy to forgive, but you can never forget. When you forgive someone you're saying, I will move beyond this with you and not take it out on you.... However, as time passes, our memory kicks in. Picture and think of this, ( she is doing practically all the household duties, parenting, and remembers what you did. She then feels hostility, like, M...F....er I forgave you, and you don't appreciate that. By your lack of helping out, ect. it came across to her, You don't appreciate the fact I forgave you and have to live with the memories of what you did forever.... But she knows she cant throw that in your face, because she forgave you, and that's not how forgiveness works. So she pushes that feeling deep down inside.) Now you started to pitch in, and she loved it. But she now realizes the hostility she still has for what you did, and knows being with you means she will have to live with that forever. Sometimes we forgive people without really knowing what that truly means. And don't forget, every time she went through that scenario I explained earlier, is added up to every time she pushed that feeling down inside. Now she's dealing with a volcano that's erupting. I imagine she is trying to find out whether she can be with you and live with the memories, or can't. It sucks, because she did forgive you, and you tried, but understand, that doesn't mean she is bound to that forever. Especially if she didn't realize what that forgiveness would mean. And she knows you do deserve a happy life, so does she, and she needs to discover if she can do that living with those memories. I would definitely go to therapy together, and separately. They also have therapists who to a technique call EMR, it helps take the pain out of those memories, freeing you. I know it has worked for ptsd and other things. Also I suggest, reading a book Love and Respect, by Emerson Eggerichs, they also have a workbook you can do together. My husband and I took this class years ago, and other couples have taken it a few times, because lets face it, we are human and always revert back to our nature, Its not like any other book out there, and I have no affiliation. Also try reading 48 Laws of Power, it may help YOU, if you want to win her back. My husband says this is how he won me over... I say all of this with a grain of salt, because I am going through a rough patch in my marriage. But I have seen the light on the other side, it is there. I met a couple who had been married for 50 years, asked them what there advice was to being married for so long. The couple said, " you will have good and bad days, you will have months of good and months of bad, you may even have years of bad, and years of good. its about loving each other though that, and knowing why you're truly together." Pretty dam good advise. Best of luck to you, just be understanding, towards each other.
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