11
   

my partner told me he doesn't want to have sex with me

 
 
iamlost
 
Reply Sat 21 Oct, 2017 02:08 pm
well, to start with, I'm absolutely devastated.
We've been with a guy for half a year, there've been ups and downs in our relationships, but now everything's stabilized and was quite OK, though not perfect. We love each other and care for each other, he's affectionate, warm, caring, knows how and when to cheer me up, etc.
The problem started when I began to notice that our sex was getting less and less frequent, which's been going for a month or so, I guess. For sure, I was suspicious of many things, including him having an affair, watching too much porn, etc. I couldn't help but feel isolated, drowning deeper and deeper into my dark inner world full of insecurities. It'd been going for a couple of weeks or so before I dared to ask him directly - today.
I was expecting anything: in fact, he's had too much stress lately and was sick, so I thought he'd answer sth like: oh, I'm just going through rough times. But his answer disarmed me completely: I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE HAVING SEX WITH YOU.
I've never heard anything like that before. As a matter of fact, I've always been a desired one in the relationships. I am physically attractive and I've never complained about getting attention neither from men nor from women. What is more, in our couple, I am the one who's more attractive. Even though I'm a rather insecure one, the objective evidence is that I'm handsome and sexy. So that came completely unexpected.
I kept asking questions whether he feels attraction to other guys or maybe he's having an affair, but he denied everything. He said he's just apathetic now. But I somehow feel (I dunno if it's just a helpless feeling or something that is actually true) that he doesn't want to tell me all the truth, as he's afraid of losing our relationship, as it's really good.
He didn't want to, but I demanded to take the break. He says he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. It so ******* hurts. I feel lost. I really expected this relationships to work, despite all the difficulties and all the **** we've gone through, but that's the result we've arrived at. It is also painful to understand that he has no idea why it is so and doesn't seem to bother much, as he mostly remained silent during our talk and I was the one doing the most talking and, in general, didn't even consider it to be a problem. Sex is important for me, but, at the same time, I don't want it to be a chore, as I believe that I'm far not the worst guy and deserve to be desired, as it used to be before.
So I'm asking for your help. Anything. Anyone. Help.
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Type: Question • Score: 11 • Views: 2,140 • Replies: 12
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PUNKEY
 
  0  
Reply Sat 21 Oct, 2017 02:19 pm
Six months is not a long in the love wirld.

You are over the honeymoon period and reality has set in.

He's telling you it's over and hopes you'll have enough self esteem to leave him. He's the little kid who thinks "How rejecting can I be before he kicks me out?

See this for what it is.


iamlost
 
  0  
Reply Sat 21 Oct, 2017 02:25 pm
@PUNKEY,
thanks for your reply. maybe there's a grain of truth in your words, but the reality is quite the opposite: he wants to be with me (at least now I'm 100% sure), he does love me, but this problem...
I find your solution a little bit too radical, especially taking into consideration that the profile you've outlined in your message doesn't really seem to describe him.
0 Replies
 
KimDP
 
  -1  
Reply Fri 24 Nov, 2017 03:29 pm
@iamlost,
Find someone who is normal! I just don't want to have sex with you is not a good reason...
hillerlaw
 
  0  
Reply Sat 25 Nov, 2017 06:23 am
@KimDP,
Try to talk to him, make things clear. You guys can do it if you love each other.
0 Replies
 
smackie9
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Dec, 2017 02:32 pm
@iamlost,
It's possible that he's confused as to how he feelings about you. When the honeymoon stage ends, it's either the love deepens, or feelings dissipate. It can be a confusing time, leaving him unsure as to why it is happening, don't want to make any rash decision to end it if there is hope to fix or change it. He just does't know what to do. It's obvious he doesn't like this change either, and he's afraid to tell you, because he doesn't want to lose something good.

My guess is he needs more time to work through it. What can you do? Don't pressure him. Give him say a month or two, and reassess the relationship. If things don't change, time to have another conversation, but one that will either give you finality to the relationship so you can move on, or get couple counseling for the next step.
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  -1  
Reply Tue 5 Dec, 2017 07:40 pm
@iamlost,
iamlost wrote:


I've never heard anything like that before.

As a matter of fact, I've always been a desired one in the relationships. I am physically attractive and I've never complained about getting attention neither from men nor from women. What is more, in our couple, I am the one who's more attractive. Even though I'm a rather insecure one, the objective evidence is that I'm handsome and sexy. So that came completely unexpected.



Well sweetie, get used to it.

Perhaps you have never heard another person say they didn't want sex with you at any given moment, and it's quite a shock when you hear it for the first time.

You say several times that (in your opinion), you're attractive, get attention from others sexually, and are apparantly used to it. In practically the same breath you say you're insecure.

The 2 things juxtaposed is no surprise to me.

You'er insecure because you feel your looks and sexuality are perhaps the only things that make you worthwhile to others, or even yourself. When someone doesn't jump to it when you express a desire for sex, you may feel your meaning for being is threatened.

Reading through your post, all I see is that the guy just said he didn't feel like having sex with you. You don't say if he indicated he never wants it again with you, or if he's going through a time where he just doesn't feel like having sex with you, or anybody.

Did you expect to go through your whole life getting sex every time you wanted it, or for someone else to feel sexual toward you all the time?

You might want to develop some other areas of your character, as sex is not everything in any relationship.

0 Replies
 
hoiley
 
  0  
Reply Wed 6 Dec, 2017 09:49 am
@iamlost,
As others have mentioned, the end of the "honeymoon phase" is definitely hard on couples; it's what weeds out the genuine couples from the flings. However, I'm not sure this is your problem here. It's possible, but if he still loves you and wants to be with you/spend time with you otherwise, then it's probably not the issue.

I think your problem might be that you're actually focusing on the wrong problem. I don't know him personally obviously, but I feel like I've actually been him in a relationship. I've sincerely loved someone and wanted to be with him, but I was super apathetic to sex. All or most of that was because I was going through a really hard time emotionally. For me, I was struggling with a very deep anxiety and depression, as well as life just being extra stressful at the time, and I found that he just didn't quite know how to be there for me. He cared about me, I know that, but instead of thinking to ask me if I was okay, he'd ask me why I didn't want to have sex with him, and that just turned me off way more. He asked the wrong questions and I didn't feel like I really wanted to force him to care about my well-being. He and I went over a year without sex at all (which is insane for me because I'm a very sexual person) and he was patient with me but I eventually ended my 7-year relationship with him because I realized he just wasn't there for me in the way that I really needed him to be through that time. It wasn't his fault entirely, as I definitely could've communicated to him my needs more clearly, but in that situation it's just really hard, so I was mostly just silent. So, if he says the problem is not with you, believe him. Maybe he just needs you to help him sort through his troubles right now.

I hope things work out well for you guys!
Veronika25
 
  0  
Reply Mon 27 Aug, 2018 02:10 pm
@iamlost,
I am a lesbian. And I have the same sort off thing going on wit my partner... It can be v v hard leave you worried and anxious and miserable. . If you need to talk im here and know how u feel!
0 Replies
 
Jane15818
 
  -1  
Reply Wed 29 Aug, 2018 03:33 am
@iamlost,
Look at the truth if he does not want sex at all then is there any point in continuing the relationship? If this is temporary difficulties, support your partner.You need understand what do YOU feel and do YOU want.
0 Replies
 
shawn77bird
 
  0  
Reply Thu 30 Aug, 2018 07:14 pm
@hoiley,
time to move on and get a real man.Communication is key and though you may find it embarrassing and even humiliating, it is important to speak your truth to your mate.

• Counseling, including seeing a sex therapist, can help you get to the root of your problem and reconnect with your mate.
0 Replies
 
Alsu3344
 
  -2  
Reply Tue 4 Sep, 2018 02:26 am
@iamlost,
I think if he really loves you and doesn't want to lose you, he should want to solve the problem too! In case you both can't find the reason, it is better to address a professional. Good luck!
0 Replies
 
daverod
 
  0  
Reply Sun 18 Nov, 2018 10:18 pm
@iamlost,
Being over fatigued can put the sex on the back burner for awhile. As for having abundant amounts of sexual energies, lack of burning off those energies through other physical activities, can be difficult to handle. It sounds as if he might have gotten a promotion in work or in work hours or something..
0 Replies
 
 

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